Taphophilia. Are you familiar with the term? It’s a favorite of mine. If you happen to follow my Instagram, you know that I am a bit of a taphophile, otherwise known as a cemetery enthusiast. I love exploring cemeteries, finding unique graves, piecing together stories from years passed. I can spend hours upon hours in cemeteries. Some find my passion macabre but I don’t feel that way at all. I simply find cemeteries fascinating and enlightening. But why does a death doula feel the need to dedicate a post each week to something I call Fave Grave Friday? Of course there’s the obvious, I need to be aware of what is available and what may become available to my clients. But surely a love of cemeteries and grave yards isn’t a requirement for death doulas. You’re right, it isn’t. So then how is my taphophilia, my love of  of cemeteries useful to my work as a death doula?   
In the past year I’ve had the opportunity to visit a wide array of cemeteries. I’ve toured a corporate owned green cemetery, privately owned rustic natural burial grounds, graveyards that have become the resting place of Civil War dead, a Mexican city cemetery, some of the oldest cemeteries in Portugal and Spain, a naval cemetery in Gibraltar, a Muslim cemetery and an Anglican cemetery in Morocco on top of a number of traditional, local cemeteries here in Montana. So, yes, I’m a fan. 
I have found cemeteries fascinating since I was a child. At a very young age, my great-grandpa took me to an old cemetery near Paradise, California. He pointed out the little lambs on tombstones and explained their significance, that the little lambs meant little children.  It was sad, but even as a child, I was interested. I’ve been seeking out cemeteries ever since. 
I feel like cemeteries are a kind of museum. They offer us a snapshot in time. We can get an idea of what was happening in a given period, maybe a war, some kind of plague or a local tragedy. Funeral architecture gives us a glimpse of the wealth and affluence of an area. On the other hand, Potter’s Fields give us an idea of the struggles of certain segments of society. Or consider the imagery so common in cemeteries. The symbolism emblazoned on tombstones and monuments help us to understand the belief systems, values and social societies that shaped a person. In Logan, Utah I found a tombstone that shared a recipe for fudge. It immediately gave me a happy picture of who that woman may have been. Cemeteries are a window into a community’s past and present. 
Let’s talk a bit about symbolism, specifically in the Victorian Era. Maybe I should back up a bit. First, let’s talk about the Victorian Era. The Victorian Era is the period between 1837-1901, the reign of British Queen Victoria. Queen Victoria had her own interesting relationship with death, stemming from the death of her husband Prince Albert who died of Typhoid Fever at the age of 42.  After his death, Victoria wore mourning garments for the customary two years but after the two years passed she continued to wear black and a widow’s cap. She remained in mourning for the rest of her reign.  Brittanica.com says that she lived surrounded by mementos, photographs, miniatures, busts, and souvenirs of her dear husband. Each night, Albert’s clothes were laid out on the bed; every morning fresh water was put in the basin in his room. She slept with a photograph—over her head—taken of his head and shoulders as he lay dead.
No doubt the depth of her own mourning affected the attitudes of her empire and beyond. Meanwhile, in the United States, a new style of cemetery was emerging, cemeteries that would eventually be identified as Victorian cemeteries. These park-like cemeteries with rolling grounds, winding pathways, beautiful landscaping and elaborate grave markers were being designed for rural areas. The dead were no longer buried in churchyards, instead, they were layed to rest in memorial parks meant not just for their practical use but also as a pleasant environment for the living, a place to recreate.  It wasn’t uncommon to find people picnicking amongst the tombstones. 
And what of those tombstones? The Victorian tombstones are among my favorites. Oh, the symbolism! Not only are they often elaborate and quite beautiful, they also give us an idea of what was most prized by the dead and their loved ones. During the Victorian Era, the idea of a Good Death was highly valued. A Good Death meant that you died at home, surrounded by loved ones and in possession of a clear Christian conscience. That last part, the clear Christian conscience was frequently represented on grave stones. It’s not uncommon to find pious representations like a bundle of wheat on the stone of an elderly person. The wheat in reference to the biblical text found at Job 5:26 “You shall come to the grave at a full age, As a sheaf of grain ripens in its season.” Or a laurel wreath symbolizing immortality or victory over death, referencing 1 Cor 15:55, 57 “ O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory? But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ..” A laurel crown is an ancient symbol of victory, so you can see why laurel wreaths and crowns are such popular symbols in cemeteries. 
I could go on and on with the symbolism, but that’s a topic for another day. Flowers, leaves, stumps, columns, anchors, boots, hands, gates, swords…there so much to decode as we walk amongst the tombs. 
Not all grave art is biblical in nature. For example, in the Pere Lachaise cemetery in Paris, many graves are adorned with interesting sculptures that seem to be art for art’s sake. Or an interesting cemetery that I visited in Tulcan, Ecuador. It was landscaped with topiaries that would make Edward Scissorhands proud. Throughout the world people have found appealing, meaningful ways to honor their dead. It is for that reason that I share Fave Grave Friday with my Instagram followers and why I seek out cemeteries whenever I visit a new place. They are a treasure trove of information about people and their relationship with death, a topic that is very important to me. As we wonder the calm peaceful, paths through a cemetery, of whatever sort, Victorian, community, green, natural, whatever the case may be, we have the opportunity to spend a little time thinking about mortality. Thinking about how people in the past addressed mortality and how we might face our own. Cemeteries remind us that all will die, rich, poor, whatever our race, whatever our creed. They remind us to live better now. How will we choose to honor our loved ones when they die? Could we start showing that honor to a greater degree now, before they or we are gone? Or those of you who are green burial enthusiasts? Are you into natural burial? If so, are you living an earth conscious, community conscious life now? Does your lifestyle align with your deathstyle? It’s not in an effort to judge ourselves, though I suppose it could be, but it’s more about taking note of ourselves, examining our feelings. If we choose to, we can learn so much about ourselves and our cultures, our pasts, our presents and even to an extent our futures when we let a little bit of death into our lives. Cemeteries, and a bit of contemplation, can help us see the big picture and our place in it. That self-awareness can bring great comfort as we navigate our own end-of-life decisions. And that supports my goal to empower people in whatever way I can to face their own mortality with grace and understanding. 
I hope I’ve planted a little taphophiliac seed. Maybe we’ll cross paths in a cemetery one day, but if not, you can see my posts for Fave Grave Fridays, on Instagram. My handle is leaving.well.death.doula. I’ll see you there.