[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS] [a heavy door closes] [dog paws walk across a hardwood floor] [a garage door opens and closes] [a dog drinks from a water bowl] [pitter-patter as the dog moves towards us] [dog sniffs microphone] [dog shakes head] BAXTER: Hey there, Pod Peeps. It’s Baxter. I can’t believe we’re on episode eight already. Regarding updates. Things are downward for this dog. Remember my shiny new love interest? Yeah. Well. About that. Erin became friends with his dog dad/human. Who I’ll refer to henceforth as Lover Boy and Lover Dad. It sounds great, right? And at first, it was! We were going to the dog park more often. More than just Saturday! But on WEEK DAYS. After my evening bowel movement. Erin came out of her shell. For a few moments, she actually seemed…happy. Everything was going so well…until Erin fucked it all up. One day, Lover Dad just shows up. Rudely ringing the doorbell during my afternoon nap to take Erin on a date. [ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong] BAXTER: I knew something was up because she washed her hair. And she never washes her hair. While she was gone, I surveilled the front window for HOURS until I spotted a malicious squirrel and exhausted myself barking to get that vagrant the fuck-- [bark, bark] BAXTER: off my lawn…and eventually fell asleep. [dog snoring] BAXTER: Anyway, when Erin came home later. She ordered pizza. [ding-dong] BAXTER: Which is Erin for “I’m sad and must medicate with carbs.” She ate the whole meat lovers pie while re-watched The Big Chill. And just the funeral scenes. So that good thing we had going…It was officially over. [tennis ball drops, bounces] BAXTER: I keep leaving my tennis ball by the door, but she’s not taking the bait. [sigh] BAXTER: Quit toying with my heart Erin! Which bring us to today’s main topic: The Do’s and Don’ts of Dog Toys. [squeak-squeak] BAXTER: Number one. Do: Buy the plush toys. Look. I know they have shorter lifespans than fruit flies, but they are SO SNUGGLY!!! And how can you say no to a fuzzy wittle wambchop!? [squeak-squeak] BAXTER: Number two. Don’t: Buy the ones that look like foods! You wouldn’t give pictures of cheesecake to someone starving in the desert would you?! MUST YOU BE SO CRUEL. [squeak-squeak] BAXTER: Number three. Do: Monitor the stuffing. It’s a little scratchy, but I’ll still eat it. I always think it’s gonna taste like chicken. Though sometimes I eat it out of spite because you bought a toy THAT LOOKS LIKE A TACO. [squeak-squeak] BAXTER: Four. Don’t: Wash them. We TOIL to get the plasticky, synthetic fabric smell out, spending hours upon hours, coating it in layers of carefully applied saliva. How else will I know it’s mine unless it smells like me?! [squeak-squeak] BAXTER: Five. Do: Get the toys with the treats. Chewing and licking and prodding is HARD WORK. We DESERVE a cookie for our efforts. Also, I know you just use these to distract me while you do something without me. Like open plastic bags!!! [squeak-squeak] BAXTER: Six. Don’t: FORGET TO REPLACE THE TREATS. Like a vending machine, these require refills, pee-puhl! Otherwise, they’re like a marathon without the trophy. Or a chase without the squirrel. Or stomach cramps without the relief of poop. Or a diet without the weight loss! All that work for nothing! Just like your tampons: remember to re-stock! [squeak-squeak] BAXTER: Seven. Do: Get the frisbee! These are foolproof for a good time! But don’t forget these don’t throw themselves…Ahem. Erin. [squeak-squeak] BAXTER: Eight. Don’t: Rely on the rawhide. I would consider it an activity less than I would a “toy.” For me, these last about twenty minutes. Less if you’ve just done something to piss me off. [squeak-squeak] BAXTER: Nine. Do: Splurge on the Dolly Parton toys. They’re fucking CUTE okay! [squeak-squeak] BAXTER: Ten. Don’t: Put them away! For fuck sakes. Enough with your treasure hunts. Do it again and I’ll hide your AirPods. Or worse. Your makeup bag. Gotcha now, bitch! [squeak-squeak] BAXTER: Eleven. Do: Consider the materials. Rubber is great. Rope is fine. If it looks like cheap plastic, it is. It’s the equivalent of shoving a cigarette into our mouths. Don’t give me something that California tells you on the label causes cancer. We’ve got enough of that already. [squeak-squeak] BAXTER: Twelve. Don’t: Be stingy about the budget. Just like YOUR toys, you get what you pay for. If you want something to fall apart in the first five minutes it’s in my mouth, then go ahead, buy the cheap shit. Unless you wanna drop a few g’s getting my stomach pumped, spend a few extra doll-hairs up front. You’ll thank me for it later. [squeak-squeak] BAXTER: Thirteen. Do: Consider variety. You didn’t play with ten of the same Barbie doll. You had Ken! And…skipper! And…other…outfits?! I don’t know. Put some thought into it. “They already have a plush dinosaur, wo how about a rubber ball, etc.” Variety of squeaker sounds is also encouraged. Though I recommend taking those for a test run before you bring them home. You’d be surprised how lousy some of the squeaks are out there. [squeak-squeak] BAXTER: Fourteen: Do: Have fun with it! They’re TOYS! Remember childhood, when you had those? It’s an opportunity for us to bond. And for you to placate our feelings of boredom. Find something interesting. OR! Better yet. Take us to the store with you and let us sniff out the options, and I dunno, make a choice for ourselves!? I take no responsibility for any dogs who pee on the floor/run away/get into an altercation or get greedy with the toys, but it’s better than us chewing on the TV remote, amiright? [squeak-squeak] BAXTER: Finalmente, fifteen. Don’t: Think that buying the toy is the end of your job! The toy is merely the vehicle for you to PLAY WITH ME. You gotta get off your butt cheeks, get down on the floor, and play some tug of war. None of this “fetch” bullshit, Gretchen Weiners. You gotta WORK for it. Only then will we consider not destroying your furniture while you’re away. I am not your mom. Love from me is absolutely conditional. [squeak-squeak] BAXTER: That concludes our episode on Dog Goys. Make sure to tune in for our next episode on Doggie Day Care. AKA Dog Prison. [bars slam shut] BAXTER: As always, if you have a question or a comment about the life of a dog, hit me up at baxter@innermonodogue.dog. That’s like monologue but spelled with a “d” instead of an “l” dot dog. [garage door opens] [Baxter screams] BAXTER: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god…Erin’s home! Early! I gotta run. I’m Baxter in Los Angeles. See ya next time…Now go throw a frisbee you lazy fucks! [dog barks] [beep] BAXTER: It’s the equivalent of shoving a shigarette—huh—I’m gonna go over there and have one of them shigarettes. They keep shoving them into my mouth, but I think I might try it myself this time. [dog barks] [JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS] VOICEOVER: This podcast was produced by Storiel Entertainment. It was written, directed, and edited by Ariel Bond, and performed by Noah Bond. Our music is by Ketsa Music in the UK. Special thanks to the collaborators on Free Sound for providing our sound effects. If you’d like to learn more about our show, please visit our website at innermonodogue.dog. Thank you for listening. [JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS]