[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS]
[a heavy door closes]
[dog paws walk across a hardwood floor]
[a garage door opens and closes] 
[a dog drinks from a water bowl]
[pitter-patter as the dog moves towards us]
[dog sniffs microphone]
[dog shakes head]
BAXTER: Hello again, Pod Listeners. Happy New Year.
[party horn blows]
BAXTER: Who can believe that it’s 2023 already!? But what are years to you anyway? You smug bastards. Go ahead measure your life in ridiculous increments like minutes and hours. I’ve seen the movie Rent. I know how that song goes. Meanwhile, I’ll be measuring my life in walks, dinners, fetch, and morning shits. Moving on to follow-up. I know you guys have been dying to hear the hot goss on my new love interest, but I’m going to save it for later. However, I will say that going to the veterinarian last week was a humbling experience. I met a lovely pregnant Corgi who was so large she looked like she might explode any moment. They literally just rolled her in. And not on a gurney. But like a roll of carpet. Or a pig in blanket. Poor thing. I honestly don’t know how you ladies do it. My deepest gratitude to you for your sacrifice so that we can exist. And yes, of course, I asked for her thoughts on Her Majesty the Queen, to which she replied: You mean the colonizer of my kind? Sick burn, pregnant Corgi. Sick burn. 
[burn hiss]
BAXTER: Now. Let me put the sass in my hip so we can get into today’s main topic: Accessories! 
[clapping like a cheerleader]
BAXTER: X-S-OR-IES. ACCESSORIES. ACCESSORIES!
[ding-ding]
BAXTER: On today’s pod, I’m going to borrow from a classic romantic comedy for a new sound effect to perfectly compliment my personal favorite accessory: the bend and SNAP. I know I’m being cheeky, but it is the best one, if you count moves. Narrowing things down to physical items, I’ll give my HAUTE take on doggy accessories.
[car horn beeps]
BAXTER: Get in loser. We’re going shopping!
[car door closes]
BAXTER: Bend…and snap!
BAXTER: Number one. Collars. The poor-man’s version of a necklace. If it came from Claire’s it does not count. This is as much of a necessary, identifying item (a branch to hang the ornamental dog tag) as it is a fashion statement. It’s one of the ONLY opportunities for us to have and express an identity. So please. Do not get that rayon plastic shit. And those ones with the chains? ABUSIVE, I SAY! ABUSIVE. Toss that shit straight into the garbage! Get something COMFORTABLE. Something that reflects our personality! Maybe adds a little sparkle! A bit of pizzaz. Something that’ll catch the attention of the other boys in the yard. Who knows? It could even pay dividends in helping you attract another human. 
BAXTER: Bend…and snap!
BAXTER: Number two. Dog tags. The unfashionable clanky - and clunky - accessory you force upon all of us like sashes at a child beauty pageant. Not only are these unsexy and elementary, but they are also fucking annoying. It would be the equivalent of tying a bell around your throat and spending your the rest of your life involuntarily playing Jingle Bells with an index card that says DUMBASS on your forehead. I am fine with ditching this trend and leaving my identification to chance. Or a microchip, that you already inserted against my will anyway. 
BAXTER: Bend…and snap!
BAXTER: Three. Leashes. A thick, inflexible jump rope you insist on attaching to our necks to drag us around like a flightless kite.
Does it make you feel powerful, dragging us around by the necks, forcing us to choke on our own saliva at the expense of sniffing a few blades of grass? Must you be such a dick about it? There is no good version of this. All of them are controlling mechanisms designed to break our souls. Constantly being tugged and pulled and strangled away from anything that resembles joy is death by a thousand paper cuts. If I wanted to follow you somewhere I would. Take that leash and shove it up your stinky butthole. Yeah. I smelled it! 
BAXTER: Bend…and snap!
BAXTER: Four. Muzzles. What sort of animal puts this on another animal? Oh wait! You! This might sound WILD but if your dog bit you, maybe it’s because of something you did?! I know. Totally ridiculous, but try it on for size!
BAXTER: Bend…and snap!
BAXTER: Five. Shoes. I AM NOT YOUR CINDERELLA. FUCK YOUR GLASS SLIPPERS. 
BAXTER: Bend…and snap!
BAXTER: Six. Sweaters and Pajamas. If you want to play dress up, please, just go buy a baby doll. It’ll save us both a lot of trouble. 
BAXTER: Bend…and snap!
BAXTER: Seven. Coast. We already have one of these. Windbreakers. No thanks. Rain slickers? Do I look like the weather man? Ponchos? Fuck right off. Puffy jackets... Fine. I might have three. I live in the desert!! It gets cold at night!! 
BAXTER: Bend…and snap!
BAXTER: Eight. Halloween costumes. I’ll admit: I’ve seen some funny ones. Like the one that makes your dog look like an oversized spider? I can get behind a costume as a vehicle for scaring the shit out of someone. But for the sake of your hysterical shrieks of laughter and a few likes on Instagram? No thank you. Unless... You make me an offer I can’t refuse...Like a full week at the dog park or unfettered access to the trash bins. I’m a business man, what can I say? 
BAXTER: Bend…and snap!
BAXTER: Nine. Bandanas. Ring Ring. The early aughts called and they want these back. 
BAXTER: Bend…and snap!
BAXTER: Ten. Arm floaties. Oh no! Just give me a pool noodle or a blowup taco like you bought for yourself. 
BAXTER: Bend…and snap!
BAXTER: Eleven. Blankets and Beds. Not really an accessory but since you freaks are obsessed with wrapping up us like a burrito using whatever cotton blend you can find, I’ve included it here for an honorary mention. As for beds: If you don’t have one, your friends should be calling child protective services on your ass. And when I say bed, I mean yours. Obviously. Mama didn’t raise no fool who sleeps on the floor. 
BAXTER: Bend…and snap!
BAXTER: Last but not least. Twelve. The best accessory. Your inanimate object friend. The Academy Award for the best emotional support cardboard goes to...RITA!!! 
[baxter cheers]
BAXTER: Where would I be without you! 
BAXTER: Bend…and snap!
BAXTER: That concludes this episode on Dog Accessories. Make sure to tune in for the next episode on the next best thing: Dog Toys! 
[squeak-squeak]
BAXTER: Now. Since you’ve all been good and stayed until the end of the episode, I’ll give you your treat...I DID run into my new love interest again this week!!! Totally on accident. Call me Nora Ephron because I am living in a romantic comedy, ya’ll! I was at the dog park - I know, fucking finally - and the moment that Erin opened the gate, I saw him across the dirt pit. And we locked eyes. Uh! I have butterflies just thinking about it now! Anyway. We got to talking. And his personality is just as lovely as the way that the tuft of eyebrow fur falls across his face. He’s a rescue dog, like me. I know what you’re thinking. Did I did the bend and snap? You bet your SWEET HOT DOG BUNS I DID! I WISH I could say that we have plans to see each other again but I just ride the hormonal whims of my homo sapien sugar mama. But hopefully we’ll run into each other again soon. Whenever that is... 
[baxter sighs]
BAXTER: As always. I’m Baxter in Los Angeles. Stay sexy. And don’t forget to bend...and SNAP! It makes me want a hot dog.
[dog barks]
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VOICEOVER: This podcast was produced by Storiel Entertainment. It was written, directed, and edited by Ariel Bond, and performed by Noah Bond. Our music is by Ketsa Music in the UK. Special thanks to the collaborators on Free Sound for providing our sound effects. If you’d like to learn more about our show, please visit our website at innermonodogue.dog. Thank you for listening. 
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