[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS]
[a heavy door closes]
[dog paws walk across a hardwood floor]
[a garage door opens and closes] 
[a dog drinks from a water bowl]
[pitter-patter as the dog moves towards us]
[dog sniffs microphone]
[dog shakes head]
BAXTER: Hey, guys. It’s Baxter, your friendly neighborhood curmudgeon. Thanks for picking up the other end of this metaphorical tin can on a string to listen in. And before you say anything, I just want to address the elephant in the airwaves... You can probably hear it in my voice but...I met someone. 
[harp strum]
BAXTER: And not another human who insists on touching me without my permission. But an actual dog! 
[dog barks]
BAXTER: And like, a really, really cute one. Yes, it is indeed a Christmas miracle. I don’t want to say more than that out of respect for his privacy...and because I’m not tryin’ to ruin a good thing, but I am...dare I say...excited about life!? I know. Fucking wild. 
[sigh]
BAXTER: Anywho. Getting into some listener feedback: Margery in Minnesota wrote in to ask my thoughts on “Who Let the Dogs Out” by the Baha Men...Oh sweet, dumb, Margery. Obviously, I am not happy with the entire premise of the song, which is that letting the dogs out was somehow considered a grievance. Who fucking cares who let the dogs out? They needed to go out! The REAL question the BaHa Men should be asking is: What took you SO LONG to let the dogs out? 
[dog running]
[dog barking]
BAXTER: However, if you were to ask me instead, about the song “Hound Dog,” by The King, aka the original Elvis – that’s a call back to our last episode, you should go listen to it if you haven’t already—I would say: I’ve never caught a rabbit and I have no friends, so...would you expect me to do anything other than cry all the time? 
[dog crying]
BAXTER: Moving on to follow-up. There is one unfortunate tale…
[clears throat]
BAXTER: …worth sharing. Which is that, in an act of defiance after Erin refused to let me splash in a puddle, AKA the oasis of sidewalk land, I “suddenly saw a squirrel,” causing Erin to drop her phone right into the puddle. 
[puddle splash]
BAXTER: Erin zero. Baxter one. 
BAXTER: Now, let’s get into today’s main topic. What do you call someone with a love for animals who couldn’t get into medical school? A veterinarian. 
[ding-ding]
BAXTER: This week, I’m trying a new segment I’ll call: 10 Things I Hate About You.
[ding-ding]
BAXTER: Number one. Let’s start with the most egregious: Thermometers. Why must you shove them up our butts!? You have so many other methods of humiliating us, but do you need to add more? 
[ding-ding]
BAXTER: Number two. Getting snipped. What exactly would be wrong with having more dogs in the world? DON’T YOU LOVE US AT ALL? 
[ding-ding]
BAXTER: Number three. The absolutely ridiculous follow-up act of the Cone of Shame. As if losing our dignity wasn’t enough, you’re going to force us to wear a plastic frisbee around our necks in public, effectively broadcasting our trauma for the entire world to see?! Well call me RBG, because it shall henceforth be known as the collar of dissent! 
[ding-ding]
BAXTER: Four. Medications. As you are already aware, I am a pro-drug, medicated animal. Not every doggy needs Prozac, but look, Charlene with the tic tac addiction, yes I’ve seen you in the waiting room countless times quibbling over the cost of Heartworm and Flea medication. Just fucking get it you cheap ass. Or would you prefer to contract a totally preventable parasite from climbing onto your body? That’s what I thought. Buy the freakin meds. 
[ding-ding]
BAXTER: Five. Shots. I get that these are a preventative measure but can’t you lazy fucks invent a new way to distribute them? Does it always have to be a needle in the ass? Again, what is it with you guys and butts?
[ding-ding]
BAXTER: Six. The scale. For the love of God is this necessary? I did not consent to join your Weight Watchers club. Remember, my human is feeding me and I have no control over my own mouth once food is in front of me. If you have a problem with my weight, the only person you should be fat shaming is my human counterpart. 
[ding-ding]
BAXTER: Seven. The interior design. I know I sound like such a stereotypical gay for bringing this one up, but if you were forced inside a bland, cramped space without windows, you’d be running for the hills too, Kate Bush.
[ding-ding]
BAXTER: Eight. Similarly, the smells. If you walked into a place of business that smelled like death and cleaning supplies, I think you’d toss your dog cookies too. 
[ding-ding]
BAXTER: Nine. Speaking of death. I hate to be the one to mention he who must not be named, but I’m going to call Voldemort on this one. We all know that some dogs who walk into this place do not walk out of it. We have an inherent sense of dread that this is where we’ll die one day when you decide that our liver surgery is too expensive!
[ding-ding]
BAXTER: Ten. Since we’re on the subject. You bitches complain about your medical care, but we’re the truly aggrieved ones. How many dogs do you know that’ve died a natural death? That’s what I thought. Even the ones sent to the farm see the same fate as Old Yeller. The poor bastard. 
[ding-ding]
BAXTER: Eleven. I don’t exactly expect a medal or anything, but in case you haven’t figured this out yet, food is our love language. Going through this anxiety rollercoaster is deserving of at least a handful of treats, if not an entire box, or hey, an ice cream cone. I will happily pay for the consequences. Diarrhea be damned! 
[ding-ding]
BAXTER: Twelve. I tried really hard to think of something positive that happened to me here, but honestly I’ve got nothing. Er-well-okay, I did have to get my stomach pumped once after I swallowed a glass Christmas ornament a few years ago, so I GUESS I’ll give them credit for saving my life. Though I still blame Erin for buying ornaments that look like tacos. You know “me encanto” taco bell, so the fault is on you! 
[ding-ding]
I would say that going here is at least an opportunity to make new friends, but when you’re in line for a rectal exam, or possibly the guillotine, you don’t know! You’re not exactly in the mood for chitchat. Or romance. Not that that’s where I met someone this week... Or did I? 
[ding-ding]
And that completes this episode on the Contrarian Veterinarian. We’ll be back in the new year with our next episode on leashes and other dog accessories.
[dog tag jingles]
BAXTER: Forget that cesspool that is social media, if you find yourself with a burning question about the life of a dog you can send me a personal, old fashioned e-mail at: baxter@innermonodogue.dog. I’m Baxter in Los Angeles. Happy Holidays to you and your fur babies. 
[dog barks]
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS]
VOICEOVER: This podcast was produced by Storiel Entertainment. It was written, directed, and edited by Ariel Bond, and performed by Noah Bond. Our music is by Ketsa Music in the UK. Special thanks to the collaborators on Free Sound for providing our sound effects. If you’d like to learn more about our show, please visit our website at innermonodogue.dog. Thank you for listening. 
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS]