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[door closes]
[dog walks across hardwood floor]
[garage door opens and closes] 
[dog drinks from a water bowl]
[as the dog moves towards us]
[dog sniffs microphone]
[dog shakes head]
BAXTER: Hey, friends. It’s Baxter. Thanks for tuning in. It’s been a pretty rough week since we last spoke. I’m okay, just...raw. From the trauma. And the scrubbing. As you might remember...we had an unwanted cameo on the pod last week...Squelvis! No!!!
[skunk spraying]
BAXTER: He didn’t just spray me, but also the walls, furniture, the rugs, everything. He covered the area like a fire hose. So, the apartment smells like a perfumery exploded. If all the bottles smelled like dirty diapers and weed.
[explosion]
BAXTER: Erin’s tried cleaning but the smell is still here. Like a hangover that won’t go away. She gets a reprieve when she leaves the house, but I have to sit here and just smell it ALL DAY. EVERY DAY. I’ve been huffing my dog bed just to get a respite...Not to mention I’ve got dry skin from the MULTIPLE baths. 
[bath running]
BAXTER: And on top of the fumes, I’ve been having nightmares: that Squirrel Elvis, or Squelvis, comes for me while I’m in the middle of a poop. 
[dog barking]
BAXTER: But the most traumatizing part is what happened to Rita. She acted as a shield between me and the Squelvis and took the brunt of his attack...Call me Whitney Houston cuz she was my bodyguard. And if you’re wondering how Squelvis got into the apartment, it’s because Erin left the sliding door open! So, I gave her the metaphorical bird and left a turd on the door mat. Anyway, I haven’t had a chance to go through our listener feedback from last week, but I did see that Barb wrote a lengthy note that went straight in the trash. 
[computer trash bin]
BAXTER: Moving on. Dovetailing into last week’s episode on grooming, let’s talk about water. Lakes. Oceans. Ponds. Puddles. 
[splash]
BAXTER: Let’s do a new segment I’d like to call Cautionary Tales! Yes, that was a pun.
[ding-ding]
BAXTER: Number one. Water - when not combined with soap and scrubbing and the slippery death trap that is a bathtub – is a welcome experience. Hot days should not be spent without it. Remember. We are your FUR babies. Emphasis on the fur. So, Frugal Frida, if you can’t take the time to bring us to a body of water, the least you can go is break out the hose for a little wet down. Alternatively, we will also accept a kiddie pool. But only if we don’t have to share it with children. 
[ding-ding]
BAXTER: Number two. There are plenty of good ways to learn how to swim. But being thrown into the deep end of a chlorinated pool is not one of them. It’s just cruel. Please extend us the same courtesy you would to your human babies, and let us wade our way in from the shallows. Or like, you know, decide to go in at all. 
[ding-ding]
BAXTER: Three. Last summer, I was swimming in my human’s sister’s pool in Palm Springs when I realized - to my horror - there were NO FLOATIES. But also. NO STEPS. Did they just expect me to doggy paddle around them in circles? I know I look like a very capable animal – hair flip - but I am contractually obligated to have at least one pool noodle. And a fifteen minute break every five minutes. 
[ding-ding]
BAXTER: Four. Lifejackets are great. But. Like all dog accessories, please just buy the right size. They are not your stretchy pants. I’ll just be an unhappy sausage roll with armpit chafing. 
[ding-ding]
BAXTER: Five. Puddles, not to be confused with poodles, are little oases in the desert of sidewalk land. You can walk around them, but don’t take away one of our few remaining joys, please. Sometimes this is all the water I see for MONTHS. And yes, I will drink it if I am thirsty. 
[ding-ding]
BAXTER: Ponds are just poorer, stinker versions of lakes, but in desperate times...I cross the line at koi ponds. But I have no qualms about jumping in a fountain. 
[ding-ding]
BAXTER: Seven. You know that expression, run like the river? Yeah. It’s more like sprint...towards your death. When I was a younger pup, I went in for quick dip but got swept away by the current and OVER A WATER FALL. So. Take it from me. Stay away from rivers!...and stick to the lakes that you’re used to. 
[ding-ding]
BAXTER: Eight. Lakes are great for playing fetch. There’s no stress about the waves taking my favorite stick you threw out your weak shoulder tossing off the dock. We will do anything to rescue our coveted companions, even if it means dying trying. 
[ding-ding]
Nine. The best way to experience the water is to be on the water. IN a boat. Or on a paddle board. Bring us along for the ride and don’t forget to bring our snicky-snacks!!! And maybe a poop bag. For emergencies. 
[ding-ding]
BAXTER: Ten. The ocean. It’s by far the superior body of water. The breeze. The babes. And all the fresh sticks you can dream of. I will tolerate the ninety minute ride in rush-hour traffic any day to go there…The downside to the ocean is going in it. There’s a reason why Jack died on the door of the Titanic. It’s fucking cold. Even in LA. Also sharks. 
[ding-ding]
BAXTER: Eleven. Inevitably, there’s the dreaded aftermath. Drying. Tamara, take your tea towel back to the linen closet from whence it came! Holster your hot tools and save them for your sad split ends. Let us be like Taylor and shake it off.
[ding-ding]
BAXTER: Can I just ask why we aren’t allowed in hot tubs? After ten rescue missions for my new stick, Woody, it sure would be nice... Yes. I’m a big Hanks fan. Clearly. But don’t worry Rita, there’s room in my life for both of you. 
[ding-ding]
BAXTER: That concludes our episode on bodies of water. Tune in next week for a look behind the curtain on the Little Shop of Horrors. Or as you call it: “the Veterinarian.” 
[dog whining]
BAXTER: You know my thoughts on social 
media, however, if you’re a marginalized animal with a bone to pick, or just a bored panda, you can send me a question at baxter@innermonodogue.dog. We’re only a few weeks away from Christmas ham scraps on the floor, what I’m living for right now... I’m Baxter in Los Angeles. Stay regal beagles.
[dog barks]
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VOICEOVER: This podcast was produced by Storiel Entertainment. It was written, directed, and edited by Ariel Bond, and performed by Noah Bond. Our music is by Ketsa Music in the UK. Special thanks to the collaborators on Free Sound for providing our sound effects. If you’d like to learn more about our show, please visit our website at innermonodogue.dog. Thank you for listening. 
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