[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS] [a heavy door closes] [dog paws walk across a hardwood floor] [a garage door opens and closes] [a dog drinks from a water bowl] [pitter-patter as the dog moves towards us] [dog sniffs microphone] [dog shakes head] BAXTER: Hey, Internet! It’s Baxter. I’m back again for the fourth episode of my fledgling little pod, Inner Monodogue. Not sure if I need to be thanking the Algorithm Gods or just my own shameless self-promotion at the dog park… [dog barks] BAXTER: …but whatever led you to this tiny story corner of the Internet, I am very happy you are here, and continuing to support our show. I say OUR because saying “mine” just feels self-righteous and braggy. And I am doing it with Rita’s UNRELENTING emotional support. Yes folks, behind every emotional support animal is another emotional support...cardboard. [cymbal crash] BAXTER: Anywho! I want to give a special shoutout to the user AngryCatLova2001 who wrote us to say... “It sounds like you need a hug, so sending one your way...” She - oops, sorry for assuming gender - *THEY* then asked: “But also have you considered medication?” Um... Yeah...Sadly, yes, this is how I sound WITH anti-depressants. Imagine me without them... AngryCatLova2001 then said: “Big fan of pod” - YES I AM RIGHT!!! - “Ps. Please tell Rita we love her.” Rita, did you hear that!? She said WE. We’ve got FANS!! [dj airhorn] BAXTER: What an exciting ride this has been already. I do not have any horrifying food stories to share as follow-up from last week, thank the Stomach Gods, which means we can skip right ahead to our main topic...! Grooming. [brushing] BAXTER: Like in our episode on food, I’d like to start by defining what I mean by “grooming.” The routine by which we tend to our coats, nails, teeth, eyelashes, etc. And yes, our private parts. Grooming is mostly our duty, however, the human peoples are sometimes required for assistance. We’ve all pooped and had a little extra turdling that just wouldn’t shake off at least once... [dog whines] BAXTER: Or rolled around in mud whilst being attacked by a mosquito. [mosquito buzz] BAXTER: Or, most unfortunately, been sprayed by a squirrel in an Elvis costume, or a skunk as you call them [skunk spraying] BAXTER: …loitering by the trash bins hitting on cats with white stripes down their backs. [cat meows] [dog barks] BAXTER: Filthy animals. So, yes, sometimes we need a bit of help. But for the most part, we’re more than capable of handling this department on our own. Even though this natural behavior is often seen as disgusting in your eyes. Trust me, I’m more than happy to avoid kissing your mouth afterwards if this is the main issue. [ding-ding] BAXTER: Now. Let’s do a segment I’d like to call…Ten Petty Questions. Where the rules are made up and the points don’t matter. [ding-ding] BAXTER: Number one. Why is grooming important? Grooming is necessary for hygiene of course, but as dogs, we are judged - and judge each other - by the appearance of our natural coat, not the polyester crap that you people strap on our backs. We, ok most of us, just want to look clean and nice…OK. FINE. I’ll just come out and say it: we just wanna be pretty, alright! I want you to want me. You being that gorgeous German Shepherd mix with the light eyes, oops did I say that out loud...? [ding-ding] BAXTER: Number Two. Do dogs enjoy getting brushed? [dog getting brushed] BAXTER: Yes. Okay. Fine. We love it. But we don’t want you guys to KNOW THAT. Otherwise, you would never want to do it for us. Reverse psychology. Ps. Do NOT complain to me about shedding. Have you seen the long hairs YOU leave around the house? [ding-ding] BAXTER: Three. Do we really need to have our teeth brushed? [teeth being brushed] BAXTER: Honestly... Brushing my teeth is a nightmare of an experience - Have you tasted dog toothpaste? - And I would love if you never did it again. I will happily let me teeth rot. [ding-ding] BAXTER: Four. What’s the best way to cut your dog’s nails? [nail clippers clipping] BAXTER: Unless you want us to grind them down slowly on your carpet and Ikea furniture, I’d suggest the same thing you use on your nails...clippers. [ding-ding] BAXTER: Five. How often is a bath really necessary? Assuming there is no history of water trauma - as infrequently as you can bear it! I will note that there are a few exceptions to this. I know a guy who likes to bathe as often as bi-weekly, but his nickname is also “the sultan” so, I think it’s more of a power move... [ding-ding] BAXTER: Six. This came in from one of our listeners: Is it EVER possible to lose that “dog” smell? Fuck you and the cloud of Frito farts you rode in on. You can take that attitude and fuck right off in your pastel windbreaker, Barbie. The username is BarbWhoLivesinFlorida, so I assume she slings quarters at the slot machines like coin money is going out of style. [slot machine losing] BAXTER: What’s that Barb? I can’t hear you over the mountain of your old white lady, Yankee Candle, “Live Laugh Love” privilege. You might wanna hide your dentures before they become my new chew toy... [evil laugh] [dog chewing] BAXTER: Unless of course, this is Streisand, for which I will eat my metaphorical hat. [ding-ding] BAXTER: Seven. Do we need help with eye boogers? For the love of rawhide. Please. Unless you want to look at them all day. [ding-ding] BAXTER: Eight. Does dog saliva have superpowers? [dog licking] BAXTER: Our tongues aren’t exactly web-shooters, but yeah, they’re kind of a big deal. Hence why we don’t need your human construct of “baths”! [ding-ding] BAXTER: Nine. Should I check my dog’s ears? [dog shakes head] BAXTER: Denise! Drop that cutip like it’s a sack of potatoes and put your hands up. You can pop the hood to take a look, but beyond that, this is a job for a professional. [ding-ding] BAXTER: Ten. What do you do when you’ve been sprayed by Squirrel Elvis, sorry, *skunk*? Beg for your sweet mercy...Then plot our revenge. Raises pinky to cheek… [ding-ding] [Baxter giggles] BAXTER: Uh Rita…did you just…fart? I guess our relationship just went to a whole new level. [ding-ding] BAXTER: This concludes our episode on grooming. Make sure to tune in for our next episode on bodies of water. [splash] BAXTER: I’m on social media - not my choice - but if you’d like to send me a question about the life of a dog, you can drop me an e-mail at: baxter-at-inner-monodogue - That’s like “monologue” but spelled with a “d” instead of an “l” - dot dog. If you liked listening to this show, please subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts...And, hey, if you liked what you heard, please leave us a review. It can be a few words or just a dog emoji. I’m Baxter in Los Angeles… [clears throat] BAXTER: Toodle-oo Shih Tzu…Adieu Shiba Inu…See ya lata, Labrador Retrievas! [laughs like Fran Drescher] BAXTER: Yeah, I heard that too Rita, that didn’t rhyme as well as I hoped. I’ll just cut this part out later in post...Wait- is that? Squirrel Elvis! How’d you find me here? You opened it? But you don’t have opposable? Oh God-- [dog barks] [JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS] VOICEOVER: This podcast was produced by Storiel Entertainment. It was written, directed, and edited by Ariel Bond, and performed by Noah Bond. Our music is by Ketsa Music in the UK. Special thanks to the collaborators on Free Sound for providing our sound effects. If you’d like to learn more about our show, please visit our website at innermonodogue.dog. Thank you for listening. [JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS]