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[a heavy door closes]
[dog paws walk across a hardwood floor]
[a garage door opens and closes] 
[a dog drinks from a water bowl]
[pitter-patter as the dog moves towards us]
[dog sniffs microphone]
[dog shakes head]
BAXTER: Hello again, Internet! It’s me, Baxter. Happy Thanksgiving week. I wanna give a big thanks to our listeners who for some reason are crazy enough to keep coming back to listen to my word vomit. You’ve made one very depressed doggo feel a bit less jaded and utterly hopeless, so sending some credit where it is due. Not to brag or anything, but I got my first fan letter! Well. E-mail. Ok, it was a subtweet, but same difference. Karen from Kansas wrote to say: “Keep up the good work! Good job! You deserve a gold star.” Awwwww. Isn’t that just...the sweetest? We also got a question in from Derek in Delaware: “Hey Baxter, hope all is well with you. But do you honestly expect us to care about what dogs want?” Ouch. Is there a cloud overhead because it just got really shady. But, yeah, actually I do. Let me ask you a question, Derek: Did you honestly expect us to just put up with your STINKY shoes forever? Wait, actually, don’t answer that. My point is: We are not just gonna “roll over” whenever you say so! Wait a minute. Bad example again. OK, what I actually mean is that you taught us how to speak, but you forget to teach yourselves how to listen. Dearest Derek, You can take that self-entitlement and shove it right up your butt hole. Anywho. I am happy to report that Erin took for me a ride in the car last week...to the DOG PARK!!! 
[DJ airhorn] 
BAXTER: It was honestly the best smelling air I have breathed in...in well, putting a number on the days would just be DEPRESSING so...let’s go with: A WHILE. But yeah! I sniffed so many butts!!! And only a few of them were the cigarette kind!  Anyway, let’s get into today’s main topic... the Do’s and Don’ts of Dog Food. 
[ding]
BAXTER: Let’s start by defining some basic terms. What makes dog food, “dog food” you ask? 
…The correct answer is: absolutely nothing. Sorry, but I’m gonna have to pull out my soapbox for this one... 
[crate scooting across floor]
BAXTER: Let’s recap history shall we? Early Humans, tired of being attacked and killed by wolves (early dogs) befriended and eventually domesticated them, giving rise to the modern canine who sleeps on fluffy pillows and goes for walks in strollers. Dogs, cats, fellow pets: There’s no other way to say this, but...We have been conned. And we have no one to blame but ourselves, with our manicures and our plush toys. Our ancestors COMPETED for resources with humans. Yeah. Let that sink in. We ate the same shit. Not a dry brown cereal with a cardboard aftertaste. 
Oh, sorry Rita, I don’t mean you... So. Let’s cut the charades and call it for what it is. You think we don’t deserve real food. You see our food as a “cost saving measure” whereby you can perform some kind of magical presentation to make the crunchy corn pellets seem like optimal nourishment. If you are not willing to eat it yourself... maybe you shouldn’t try shoving it down my throat like it’s a spoonful of sugar. There is NO sugar. It is just medicine, Mary Poppins. 
Now, putting my soapbox aside...
[crate scoots back across floor]
BAXTER: I’ll address some of the dog diet myths: 
[ding]
BAXTER: Number one. All dog kibble is created equal. 
[buzzer]
[hysterical laughter]
BAXTER: No, no, no. Oh, no. Your shoddy olfactory system clearly cannot whiff the aroma of such nuances, otherwise, you’d be selective about your ten-dollar wine. We KNOW you bought different food before we even SEE the bag. Don’t try to pass it off as the same. It’s insulting. Hence our hunger strikes upon greetings of a poorer cardboard drivel. Sorry Rita. You know I love you… 
[ding]
BAXTER: Two. Chicken flavoring tastes like chicken. 
[buzzer]
BAXTER: Come on you guys. Just because they’re nugget sized does not a chicken make!
[buzzer]
BAXTER: Three. Canned food is better that dry food. 
[ding-ding]
BAXTER: You know what? This one is actually true. It is slightly better. It doesn’t require as much water to chase it down. Beyond that, it’s basically the same. Again, I don’t see you eating it.
[ding]
BAXTER: Four. If you feed us pizza, we will never eat our kibble again. 
[ding-ding]
BAXTER: Honestly, I’d be willing to lose a few pounds before I caved. Unless it’s veggie pizza. In which case...yeah, still the pizza.
[ding]
BAXTER: Five. Raw food diets are good for us. 
[buzzer]
BAXTER: In the hierarchy of foods, everything is above the food that says “dog” on it, however the idea of eating raw fish at six am is a recipe for you needing to steam clean your carpets. Yes, I know, I’m a picky little bitch.
[ding]
BAXTER: Six. Dog treats should only be used to reward good behavior. 
[buzzer]
[laughter]
BAXTER: Yeah, and you can only eat cheesecake after you’ve done the dishes. 
[ding]
BAXTER: Seven. Consuming chocolate is poisonous and you’ll need to make us barf it up to save our lives. 
[ding-ding ]
BAXTER: Quick PSA for any homo sapiens out there who don’t already know: Chocolate and dogs do NOT mix. We’re the opposite of Reese’s peanut butter cup. But yes, if your canine does eat it, they’re gonna need to regurgitate it. And not in the cute way that owls do. So please. Put it away like a responsible person. We have no self control. Sorry, it’s true.
[ding]
BAXTER: Eight...I know there was another one...Oh yeah! Thanksgiving is a cheat day and none of the rules apply!
[ding-ding-ding]
BAXTER: You can’t blame a guy for trying.
[ding]
BAXTER: And that concludes this episode on dog food. Thanks for listening. Tune in for the next episode on grooming. I’m on social media - not my choice - but if you’d like to send me a question about the life of a dog, you can send me digital mails at: baxter-at-inner-monodogue - That’s like “monologue” but spelled with a “d” instead of an “l” - dot dog. If you liked listening to this show, please subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts...And if you’re so inclined, leave us a review to help other like-minded beings find us too. That’s it for this episode. I’m Baxter in Los Angeles. See ya’ll next time. 
[dog barks]
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VOICEOVER: This podcast was produced by Storiel Entertainment. It was written, directed, and edited by Ariel Bond, and performed by her brother – Hey that’s me! - Noah Bond. Our music is by Ketsa Music in the UK. Special thanks to the collaborators on Free Sound for providing our sound effects. Thank you for listening. 
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