[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS]
[a heavy door closes]
[dog paws walk across a hardwood floor]
[a garage door opens and closes] 
[a dog drinks from a water bowl]
[pitter-patter as the dog moves towards us]
[dog shakes head]
BAXTER: Hello again, podcast world. It’s Baxter. Thanks to all of you who listened to my first episode. As of this recording, it’s only three people, but hey, it’s more than zero, or what I have in real life. Unfortunately, I’m not so happy to report that since my last recording not a God damn thing has changed. 
[dark laugh]
BAXTER: You remember that amazon cardboard box I mentioned...Yeah...I feel bad disparaging it like I did before, because it has actually become...well, quite a good friend of mine. My Wilson, if you will. I call her Rita. As in, you know. Rita Wilson. Tom Hanks’ wife. You get it. You guys are no dummies! So yeah, Rita and I have become pretty good pals. She still smells like cardboard, obviously, but she’s helped me scratch the hard to reach places on my back. So I no longer have to make a fool of myself flailing on the carpet like an overturned caterpillar.
[dog pants and rolls on carpet]
[dog tag jingles]
BAXTER: Rita is also a GREAT listener. We’ve had some really deep conversations. About philosophy. The universe. The dog-to human time continuum. Those sorta things. She’s also very been supportive of my art. I’ve been doodling. Well. I guess it’s more like water color. But just with water...And no color. She’s just really positive, never has anything bad to say. Like when I ask what I can do to improve my self-portrait, she doesn’t say anything. At all!  
[laughs]
BAXTER: And to think we never would’ve found each other if it weren’t for Erin ordering her thirty-second pair of stretchy pants. 
[doorbell rings]
BAXTER: Just a moment.
[dog runs across floor and back]
BAXTER: Sorry. Amazon delivery. Must be more stretchy pants. Now. Let’s get to this week’s topic. Cars! 
[car horn beeps]
BAXTER: Specifically riding in them. 
[seatbelt buckles]
BAXTER: Yesterday, my human put me in the car to go run her errands. I, ecstatic about any opportunity to get out of this shitbox, jumped excitedly into the metal can on wheels. 
[clears throat]
Sorry, the “car.” 
BAXTER: I got to inhale a few DUSTY breaths out the window before she drove us to a store where she went in to get more people food. 
[shopping cart rolling]
BAXTER: Nothing for me I might add. 
[car door closes]
BAXTER: Then, she stopped next to a blue box on the side of the road where she dropped some rectangular papers - I think you call these “letters?” 
[mail drops in mail slot]
BAXTER: And then she just...DROVE HOME. Yeah, that’s right. I stayed in the car. THE ENTIRE TIME. Bitch, why are you even bringing me into the moving torture chamber if I’m not even gonna go somewhere with you? I’m not interested in “THE RIDE.” I’m interested in a “DESTINATION,” and I’m sorry, but being trapped inside of ANOTHER windowed container is NOT my idea of “seeing the world...” I NEED TO BREATHE IT IN! 
[big sigh]
BAXTER: So. Pee-puhl. Listen up! I’m gonna breakdown what proper car etiquette SHOULD look like:
[clears throat]
[ding-ding]
BAXTER: Number one: Dogs have anxiety about cars. I have more baggage here than other dogs, I will acknowledge that, but it doesn’t matter who you are, whenever you get into a car, your first thought will always be…OH MY FUCKING GOD SHE IS GOING TO ABANDON ME. I THOUGHT WE HAD A BOND!!! So, giving us a little reward for getting over that fear and getting inside the same vehicle that drove us AWAY from our families and over to YOUR house would be appreciated. 
[ding-ding]
BAXTER: Two: Don’t even think about buckling us into a seatbelt. A dog bed is fine. But let’s be honest, those only work for small dogs, no offense.
[ding-ding]
BAXTER: Three: The bony thighs that are your lap are NOT comfortable, and they are NOT sustainable for long distances. For the love of God, give us our own seat. I cannot walk the balance beam of your sister’s chicken legs for three hours to your parents’ house. If I fall asleep it’s because I’m exhausted from the trauma.
[ding-ding]
BAXTER: Four: What is it with you folks and putting dogs in the beds of pickup trucks? Just toss me out the window, it’ll save us time!
[ding-ding]
BAXTER: And finally. Five: ROLL YOUR WINDOWS DOWN. 
[electric car window rolls down]
BAXTER: I don’t care if it’s raining or snowing or hailing during a thunderstorm! Fresh air never killed anyone! And the smell of your coffee breath could use some ventilation. 
[ding-ding]
BAXTER: Wait, wait, sorry, I thought of one more! 
[ding-ding]
BAXTER: Six: Let us enjoy some freedom as we crane our necks out the crack in the window...to see the hottie ridin’ in the passenger side, of his best friend’s ride, tryin’ to holla at me. 
[man whistles]
BAXTER: What, you think dogs don’t listen to TLC? Please. Just focus on THE ROAD and let us live for the forty-five seconds between traffic lights when we have to brace ourselves for impact. 
[ding-ding]
BAXTER: One time, my human almost decapitated me when she accidentally rolled the window up...Our relationship has never fully recovered. And neither has her car.
[screeching car brakes]
[car crashes]
BAXTER: Because of the accident, my human got a new car. But don’t get excited...It’s electric. She plugs it into the wall like it’s a toaster. Sure, it’s fancy and has a big screen in the middle, but Jesus Christ, the sound it makes when it goes in reverse is JUST HORRIFIC.  
[electric car backing up]
BAXTER: Conversely, when it’s driving forward, it is WAY TOO QUIET. Is it on the run from the law? Did it run away from boarding school to become a nun? Were car noises censored by the Chinese or something? Did the combustion engine threaten to beat them up? Who does it think it is, A NINJA?! Well, I’ve got NEWS for you, Erin, I can still hear you coming up the driveway, so you can think AGAIN about catching me in the act of eating all the Kleenex in the trash bin, okay! 
[trash bag rustling]
[dog sneezes]
BAXTER: This concludes our conversation on car ride etiquette. Please turn the tape over to side B. I’m just kidding! Thank you very much for listening to this episode. Tune in again next week to hear me break down the do’s and don’t’s of dog “food.” Rita, is there anything you think I should add? 
[silence]
BAXTER: God, I love her.
[doorbell rings]
[knock on door]
BAXTER: Uhhh - I gotta run so I’ll do this quick: I am on social media - which, again, not my choice - but if you’d like to get in touch with me and not my owner, you can send me an e-mail at: baxter-at-inner-monodogue - That’s like “monologue” but spelled with a “d” instead of an “l” - dot dog, spelled traditionally as d-o-g. If you liked listening to this show, please subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts...
[doorbell rings]
BAXTER: Oh and uh Rita says good-bye!
[baxter runs across hardwood floor]
[dog barks]
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS]
VOICEOVER: This podcast was produced by Storiel Entertainment. It was written, directed, and edited by Ariel Bond, and performed by her brother – Hey that’s me! - Noah Bond. Our music is by Ketsa Music in the UK. Special thanks to the collaborators on Free Sound for providing our sound effects. Thank you for listening. 
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS]