[tape recorder crackles to life] Bedwyr: Hello and welcome to the hit radio show “Our boyfriend said we should make a coven to curse bigots and now we have chalk all over us”! Aine (pronounced Anya because Irish): Why the fuck are you recording? B: Posterity and in case we all disappear randomly one day and someone finds these tapes. Daniel: [snorts] You’re tempting fate with that one. Also, what chalk? You’ve barely done anything to help. B: Yeah, because you keep smacking my hand away and saying I’m not doing it right, you’re just like Aine– A: Maybe the two of us should go be witches by ourselves, Danny. Leave Rod Sterling here with his tapes. D: Aw, but then who’d make us tea? A: Damn, you’re right, someone needs to be the housewife in this relationship. B: A note to my future self: don’t date people who are in a university when you aren’t because they’ll never stop being pretentious dickwads about it. D: I’m sorry, I’m sorry! We love you. A: Some of us do. B: Alright– [recording stops and starts again] B: Would you like to tell the listeners at home what we’re doing, Daniel? D: Well, I got some slurs yelled at me by some lovely individuals earlier tonight and I managed to get a strand of hair from one of them, so now we’re working on a little curse. Not to hurt him seriously or anything like that, it’s mostly just to make him have bad luck for a solid few weeks. Not quite an even trade, but I figured we should start with something small. A: Any chance this is the “make him fall down four flights of stairs” brand of bad luck? D: Wait a few months, we’ll work up to that kind. B: And how are we making this curse, Daniel? D: I got the hair and a few slips of paper on which I’ve written– [recording stops and starts again] D: Right, so I figure if we all hold hands and think about making that prick’s life difficult, it should work now. A: Oh no, if I hold hands with you two, you might get some notions about me liking you. B: Oh, so you act like this with every guy you hate? A: Nah, my hatred for you is something extra special. B: That’s not what you said– D: Guys! Just do it? [pause while they do the spell for about 10 seconds] B: …did it work? D: …yeah…yeah, I think it did. A: …oh, fuck yeah, this is proper Macbeth bullshit! [recording stops and starts again] B: We’ve seen the same bigot asshole and his friends around the same club where we ran into them before and our man could not stop tripping. Spilled about four litres of water on himself. It was very slapstick comedy. D: I kept expecting someone to pull him offstage with a hook. A: Alright, so now we know it works, we should do it again. I have a list of candidates– D: Wait, how many people do you want to curse? A: Quite a few, I hate a lot of people. D: That isn’t really how magic works, you can’t seriously hurt someone with it unless you’re prepared for it to double back on you. And you need to practice before you’re even able to do that…besides, some people are drawn to various kinds of magic, so you might not even be the cursing type. A: …oh, really, Daniel? Not all of us are lucky enough to be able to draw sigils on the floor all night with bloodshot eyes until our partners have to physically drag us away? B: Hey. Come on now, he gets focused, he can’t help it. A: …yeah, you’re right…sorry. D: …it’s fine. [it isn’t really] Let’s just start with simple things and we can go from there. A: Yeah…simple things. [recording ends and starts up again] A: [deeper voice] My name is Bedwyr and I like the sound of my own voice because I am a cisgender man. D: [laughs] You know he’s gonna listen back to that later. A: I’ve said worse to his face. D: You say worse to a lot of people. A: Yeah but I don’t mean it. Not to you two. You know that, right? D: I know that…tone is hard to tell sometimes, you get very deadpan. Someday you’ll insult me for real and I won’t even notice. A: I’d never insult you, Danny boy. You’re the smartest man I’m dating. D: Hey, come on, you love him. A: [pretends to think about it] Yeah. I do. I’ve known him since I was a child, I think I’m required to…he isn’t like us. D: How’d you mean? A: The two of us…no offence, Danny, but I think we’re too smart for our own good. Neither of us are good with other people or with ourselves. We’re assholes, I’m just more open about it than you are. We’re also both incredibly attractive, but…my point is, we wouldn’t work without him. We would have fallen apart ages ago. D: …he’s going to listen back to this tape and hear you saying nice things about him. A: Oh, fuck– [recording stops and starts again] B: …[groggy] why are you up? D: Hm? Oh…what time is it? B: [sighs] Three. D: In the– B: Morning. D: Oh…that is rather late, isn’t it. B: [sits down on the floor next to him] What are you working on tonight, Sinclair? D: Same things as always, Fowlis. My witch bullshit. B: Anything in particular? D: It isn’t important…sorry, I’ll be right there, I just got focused. B: It’s important if you care about it. D: You have to say that, you’re my boyfriend. B: Is that legally required? D: I think so, yes. [pauses] I’m trying to figure out where power comes from. I’ve been doing some reading on it and it isn’t getting me anywhere. B: What do you mean? D: Well, there’s all these old stories and legends about witches getting magic by making deals with demons or the fae or any other sort of malicious creature, but obviously that isn’t an option, so I’m trying to read up on how somebody can actually become more powerful and it isn’t working so I’ve just been drawing sigils over and over again because that, at least, is something I can do– B: Hey, hey, easy. You’re alright…it seems like you have plenty of power already. Not that I’m an expert at these things… D: It isn’t for me. B: …Aine? D: …she just…she’s getting really frustrated that she can’t do more than little spells…I’m almost starting to regret telling her about any of it. B: [pauses] She’s not completely your responsibility, you know. You don’t have to fix everything. I know you think you do, but you really do not. Sometimes it’s alright to be a little bit selfish. Nobody’s going to scold you for not being perfect all the time. D: …is it being a little bit selfish if I ask you to make me tea at three in the morning? B: Oh, absolutely. A huge imposition. [a beat] I put the water on to boil already. D: [laughs] How did you know I’d be up? B: There was one less person in bed with me than usual and I heard someone scratching around here, so I figured we had mice or you were up at an ungodly hour again. D: A solid deduction…wait, are you recording this? B: Moments like these are necessary for me to demonstrate my youthful days to my children. D: Nobody would ever agree to have children with you. B: Fuck off then, I’m drinking your tea by myself. D: No, no, wait– [recording stops and starts again] B: My girlfriend is about to read my fortune and her expression is saying I’ll be dead by week’s end. Should I be worried? A: Are you going insane? You sound like you expect an answer from that thing. B: This thing is the only thing in this relationship that lets me talk and appreciates my humour. A: Yeah? Did it tell you that? B: What’s the fortune say? A: It says you have an inoperable illness and you’ll be dead by Saturday at the latest. B: Any chance I take one of you two down with me? A: Not me. Danny has a pretty sickly look about him in general, so you may be able to get him. B: Promising. What does it actually say? A: That if you don’t stop recording your partners you may end up single. B: Ouch. A: It says you should be careful or you’ll end up in a place of stasis and repetition. B: So I should quit the food service job then? A: Fuck off, take the cards seriously. What do the leaves say? B: The leaves say…honestly, I don’t think I know this one. [pages rustle as he looks it up] The leaves say be careful. A: Ominous. B: Yeah, you better watch out before my illness passes on to you. [recording stops and starts again] A: –I just don’t understand how you can stop yourself from seeing how much you can do! If proper magic is even a possibility, how can you stop yourself from pushing to see where your limits are!? Danny, if we keep sticking to shit like candles and tea and fucking cards, we’ll never know what we might be able to do! What if you could have been flying around on a fucking broomstick all this time and you never knew because you were focused on drawing little chalk symbols on the floor like a lonely little child– B: Aine, stop it. A: No! I’m right, you know I’m right, we could be doing something bigger, all three of us could! Nobody would ever fuck with us again if we got some proper firepower– D: You can’t do it. A: …what? D: Even if I was going to let you, if I was going to tell you anything about the kind of magic you want, you’re not powerful enough to pull it off. [heavy pause] Aine, I’m sorry, but you can barely read cards, I– A: [quieter] I don’t actually need you. D: …what? B: Aine, come on now– A: I don’t. I never needed you, I don’t know why I thought of it sooner. D: What are you talking about? A: I’ve seen all the books you have lying around, about making deals with things. I’ve been doing some reading too. Maybe instead of listening to your sorry asses and your stupid fucking rituals I could just find something and sell my soul or whatever and finally be able to get off my ass and do something beyond making transphobes fall on their asses. B: Aine, come on, don’t be silly, none of those things actually exist. A: Yeah. Neither do witches. [footsteps and a door slams as she leaves] B: …she’ll be back. Don’t worry about her. D: …did I say something wrong? B: No, no…this one wasn’t your fault, love. She’ll come back once she realises she’s being a bitch and that Satan isn’t currently taking any late additions to his party. D: Are you sure? B: About Satan? D: About Aine…did I fuck this whole thing up? B: [isn’t sure if he’s telling the truth] No. We’ve all been through too much for one stupid fight to end everything. D: …it wasn’t just one fight though, was it? It feels like this whole thing has been brewing for months. B: …it’ll be fine. We’ll make it through. D: …yeah…yeah, we’ll make it through…I love you, you know that? B: No, no, absolutely not, saying shit like that is basically dooming this relationship. Nobody ever says that unprompted when things are going to turn out fine. D: You’re right, I’m sorry. B: [pauses] I love you too. I even love our witch of a girlfriend. D: I’m not sure if she’s our girlfriend anymore. B: Nah, she is. I hear Satan’s really bad in bed these days. [recording stops and starts again] B: [just coming in, hearing noise in the apartment] Hey, Daniel– A: Hi, honey, I’m home. B: …Aine? It’s been weeks, what are you doing here? Where’s Daniel? A: …[very calm] I was right. B: Right about what? A: There are things in this world that’ll take your name and your service in exchange for power beyond what we ever thought we could do, Bedwyr. This isn’t just reading tea leaves and tarot anymore, we could do anything we wanted to. B: …Aine, you and I are both smart, you know that things that sound good are usually fake. A: Is that your way of saying we were fake? B: We were fantastic before you up and left us! Now you’re back, rambling around what, demons? A: Faeries. B: Oh, even better, that makes complete sense. Aine, even if this is real, what makes you think they won’t just take your end of the deal and not give you anything? What makes you think they’ll hold up their end of the bargain? A: They already have. B: Oh, yeah? Then what could their price have possibly been? You got power and they got what? A: A human witch. B: You…Aine, what the hell did you do? Did you promise yourself to these things? A: Oh, no. Not me. I’d never be that reckless. And besides, I’ve heard somewhere I can barely read cards. I doubt I count as a witch. No, I offered them someone much better than me. Better than you too, if we’re being honest with ourselves. I just wanted to let you know not to expect either of us home for dinner. B: [pause] Aine, where the fuck is Daniel!? [recording stops and starts again] B: [to himself as he draws out a ritual] Alright, Good Neighbour motherfuckers…I don’t know where you took him, but wherever it is, you’re going to have to take one more. I don’t care what she said, what deal she made. She doesn’t speak for me anymore and I want him back, I want him the fuck home drawing sigils at ungodly hours and only looking me in the face once in a blue moon and being a fucking nightmare to clean up after. I want him back because I don’t know what the fuck I’m meant to do without him, without both of them– [breaks off for a second] It’s always been us. It’s always been just the three of us and she chose to go with you, that’s on her, but he…he never did anything wrong except love the wrong person. He never did get the hang of being selfish, but I…I’m selfish enough for the both of us, so I’m making this decision solely because I don’t want to live here alone, I can’t stand being in that flat alone anymore and I don’t even care what he says about it when I see him again because I will see him again… Wherever you fuckers sent him, I hope you’ve got room for one more because I’m coming too. [recording ends and starts again] [train whistle] B: [softly but with feeling] …what the f– [recording ends and starts again] B: [reading from a sign] “Welcome to Breagh.” [recording ends] Outro: This episode of Into The Ring stars Val Zvinyatskovsky, Emma Rensin, and Tessa Prodromou. It was created by Thomas Malinovsky and Olivia Spreen. It is written by Thomas Malinovsky and edited by Olivia Spreen. Cover art is by our friend Nick, you can find them on Instagram at @nickick._ Music is from Epidemic sound. Special thanks to Val Zvinyatskovsky. Thank you for listening, try and initiate a casual conversation with your partners using such ice breakers as “would you ever trade my life for unlimited power?” Until next time, welcome into the ring.