JON: Me? Oh, I’m - I’m a doctor.

SUSAN: Oh, what kind of a doctor?

JON: I specialise in -

EDWARD: (interrupting) Abnormal Psychology. Abnormal Psycho, for short.

(simultaneous) JON: Ed. SUSAN: Eddie.

JON: What, you two know each other?

EDWARD: (ignoring him) Susan. You’re here to see Jackie, too?

SUSAN: I’m here to see Pop, if that’s what you mean.

JON: Ohhh… Oh. I’m just. I’m gonna… I’m gonna - (leaves)

(pause)

EDWARD: How lovely to see you again.

SUSAN: Sure it is.

EDWARD: Would I lie to you?

SUSAN: Not to my face.

EDWARD: You look like you’ve been sucking on a lemon.

SUSAN: Life does that, you ass.

EDWARD: What, no hello? Not even a smile, a gasp, a blink of pleased recognition?

SUSAN: (huff) I can’t believe you.

EDWARD: I am unbelievable. (singing) Sweet Sue… just you!

SUSAN: Stop, Eddie. Just stop.

EDWARD: Hmm? Stop what?

SUSAN: Stop doing that… charm thing.

EDWARD: What, being myself?

SUSAN: No. You charm people when you think they’re nothing.

EDWARD: Huh. Astute of you.

SUSAN: I was just around when you realised it was easier.

EDWARD: So what’s the problem?

SUSAN: You’re treating me like everyone else.

EDWARD: Can’t blame a guy for trying.

SUSAN: Yes I can; I know you. None of your bullshit.

EDWARD: Alright, then. Long time no see, Mrs. Hansen.

SUSAN: Twenty fucking years, Eddie.

EDWARD: Almost. But my, doesn’t time fly when you’re having fun.

SUSAN: And it’s Nashton, for your information.

EDWARD: Really?

SUSAN: You seem surprised.

EDWARD: I am. You must have left him quite discreetly.

SUSAN: You say that like you keep tabs on me.

EDWARD: And your children?

SUSAN: Better now. My little girl, Carrie? She’s smart, like you.

EDWARD: She has my sympathies. I can only hope she doesn’t get the same treatment from dear old Dodd as I did from dear old Dad.

SUSAN: Not anymore.

EDWARD: Then you’re a better mother than ours. Kudos.

SUSAN: Are you gonna see her?

EDWARD: Mother? (scoff) No.

SUSAN: Eddie…

EDWARD: Don’t tell me what to do.

SUSAN: Pop’s been asking about you. Did you see him?

EDWARD: Oh, yes - I saw him, alright. (chuckling) Veni, vidi, vici.

SUSAN: You haven’t seen him in years, and you’ve already wound him up?

EDWARD: That’s my prerogative. Besides, he deserves it.

SUSAN: But… he’s dying.

EDWARD: Any and all sheepish last moments at the inevitable end do not change the man he was for the majority of his life. He and I were always motor oil and water. Why lie about it?

SUSAN: I wish you could lie, just once.

EDWARD: You always did. You were always making concessions then, and still you persist.

SUSAN: Someone has to.

EDWARD: I beg to differ. All I did was be myself - I don’t know any other way to be. How could taking up less space in the world help anyone but him?

SUSAN: You didn’t always have to rub his face in how much smarter you are.

EDWARD: Ohh, yes I did. I mean how else would he learn?

SUSAN: You haven’t changed at all, have you?

EDWARD: I’d say that I’ve evolved; levelled up if you will - but you say it like it’s a bad thing.

SUSAN: (sighing) It has been a long time… you look good. Healthy.

EDWARD: (chuckles) Healthy is subjective; what about you?

SUSAN: I get by.

EDWARD: I did want better for you, you know.

SUSAN: Sorry to disappoint you.

EDWARD: Not what I said.

SUSAN: I never wanted you to get hurt.

EDWARD: Then neither of us are satisfied.

SUSAN: You didn’t have to leave.

EDWARD: Yes, I did. I made my choice; I stand by it.

SUSAN: You don’t think that was selfish?

EDWARD: I felt it more selfish to leave you fatherless, since he was nothing but good to you.

SUSAN: Where did your leaving leave me?

EDWARD: Free.

SUSAN: Free from what?

EDWARD: Having to watch over your troublesome big brother.

SUSAN: You say that like it’s a bad thing.

EDWARD: Touché, my dear. And what did you do with your freedom, Susie?

SUSAN: What are you saying, Eddie?

EDWARD: Seems to me that you threw your life away on the first louse who got you in the back of his truck.

SUSAN: Don’t you dare heap shit on me for that. You don’t get to judge just because you thought you were so above everyone else.

EDWARD: You married him without so much as a second thought. Why didn’t you talk to me, first? Didn’t you care what I thought?

SUSAN: Where were you? (scoff) Some big brother I had.

EDWARD: You could always take care of yourself.

SUSAN: Not what I said. You were off making a big name for yourself, running around raising hell with a name that wasn’t even ours - I doubt I ever crossed your mind.

EDWARD: Uh uh - you do not get to make that assumption.

SUSAN: Just because you knew where I was, how was I supposed to know where you were? I only ever saw you on TV. What was I supposed to do, send a wedding invitation to that insane asylum, then have a bunch of freaks turn up and kill everybody?

EDWARD: Oh, priceless. (laughs)

SUSAN: Why are you laughing? You make me so angry. I thought Dodd was my escape; he was supposed to get me out of here. But I got pregnant, and then… I’m still trapped. I’m still trapped. I take care of Pop because Ma is hiding from things, like he’s got the damn flu.

EDWARD: Oh, some things never change.

SUSAN: I was never smart like you. Or brave.

EDWARD: More than you give yourself credit for.

SUSAN: You… you just left, and I was alone… stuck with Ma and Pop. Her pretending to be happy, locking away your pictures and never saying your name again. Him so full of hate that it made me sick; he told people that you were dead.

EDWARD: Yes, I heard. What did you say?

SUSAN: Anyone who had the balls to say that my brother was dead got punched.

EDWARD: That’s my Susie; fighting the good fight in my absence.

SUSAN: See, you just don’t get it; I had no choice but to stay.

EDWARD: There’s always a choice.

SUSAN: Maybe for you. I grabbed my first chance to escape because… because I thought it might be my only one. And, (bitter laugh) God help me, it was. How can you stand there, with that dumb smile of yours looking like you give a damn about me?

EDWARD: I never stopped, Zuzu. Never.

SUSAN: You don’t get to - how dare you try to - you think you’re so - so - (breaks down)

EDWARD: Come here. (holds her)

SUSAN: (crying; muffled) You asshole. Only you call me that.

EDWARD: Good.

SUSAN: It’s been so long.

EDWARD: Take my handkerchief; I’m giving these damn things away like they’re souvenirs. Look, it’s green.

SUSAN: Oh, Eddie - I miss you.

EDWARD: (chuckles) People don’t usually say that to me, but I believe it when you say it.

SUSAN: You must be so ashamed of me.

EDWARD: What?

SUSAN: That’s why you stayed away, right? Because I’m not better.

EDWARD: No. Enough of that. You’re still one of the best women I know.

SUSAN: (wobbly laugh) You only know criminals.

EDWARD: Hey, I know some regular people, too.

SUSAN: Can you count them on your fingers?

EDWARD: (laughs( Cheeky. But seriously - anyone who thinks that women don’t rule Gotham is fooling themselves. (laughs) I mean - the men are just maladjusted children, by comparison.

SUSAN: I bet.

EDWARD: That Dodd was not good enough to so much as breathe the same air as you.

SUSAN: I don’t want to talk about him.

EDWARD: I would have killed him, if you’d wanted. I mean I still could. Or he could just… disappear, never to be seen again. How does that grab you, hmm?

SUSAN: (crying laugh) I’m supposed to be grateful, right? (pause) I thought you hated me. Pop said you left because you hated us.

EDWARD: Him, sure. You? No. But it is dangerous for you to be related to me. (pause) Or care about me.

SUSAN: (soft laugh) Because one doesn’t imply the other.

EDWARD: You know it, sister.

SUSAN: You’re still a selfish, big-headed asshole. And you’ve been gone too long.

EDWARD: (sighs) I know.

(pause)

SUSAN: (softly) I miss when you belonged to me, instead of the whole world.

EDWARD: What do you mean?

SUSAN: Everybody gets a piece of you, now - and I get (shaky) nothing.

EDWARD: But you’re… good.

SUSAN: What?

EDWARD: I’m not a good man. I do have some redeeming qualities, sure, but at the nub of things I’m still someone who does good or bad depending on which way the wind is blowing. You - you’ve always been good.

SUSAN: Not that good.

EDWARD: (laughs) Much more than I could ever be. Why would you still want me around?

SUSAN: (sad laugh) You’re such an idiot.

EDWARD: What?

SUSAN: Because I love you.

EDWARD: Oh, right. That.

SUSAN: You still love me, don’t you?

EDWARD: How could you ask me that? … Of course I do.

SUSAN: You’re not all bad, tough guy.

EDWARD: I think there’s just enough room in my affections for you. Only you, mind.

SUSAN: I’ll defend them with my life.

EDWARD: Still my champion.

SUSAN: Well, if you weren’t going to fight them, I would.

EDWARD: (chuckles) Surround yourself with women, that’s my advice. But look - I do care about what happens to you - and my affection can be useful. I have a card around here somewhere… ah. Here.

SUSAN: Very classy.

EDWARD: You let me know if you need help. (laughs) Oh, Query and Echo would love you… they’d drag you out and get every embarrassing story they can.

SUSAN: They’re… friends of yours?

EDWARD: They’re under my employ. You’re asking if we date: we do not. They’re more like a pair of officious nieces.

SUSAN: Huh. So… who was that tall man I met? The Southern gentleman?

EDWARD: Oh Christ, you too, huh? Genetics sure wasted good pipes on that fool.

SUSAN: He seemed quite a charmer.

EDWARD: He’s the snake, not the charmer; it’s better to leave him in his basket. Don’t get any ideas; we’re not - that’s - that’s just Jon.

SUSAN: Well who is he, then?

EDWARD: He’s a (sigh) a rather brilliant doctor specialising in chemistry with a sideline in psychology who suffers from intermittently violent outbursts of… (chuckles) You know what? He’s a friend. We’re on a road trip.

SUSAN: He seemed familiar.

EDWARD: You’ve probably seen his face in the funny pages.

SUSAN: (giggles) You like him, though.

EDWARD: For my sins. It’s, um… it’s entertaining.

SUSAN: I’m happy for you. But, I better go and see Pop; he’ll be expecting me.

EDWARD: You might have some cleanup to do there… I left something of an impression. Rather like a guided missile.

SUSAN: (small laugh) So what else is new… I take it you’re leaving again?

EDWARD: When I find Jon, yes.

SUSAN: I’m so glad I saw you.

EDWARD: Me too.

SUSAN: Come see me sometime. Maybe don’t wait so long.

EDWARD: I’ll see what I can do. Goodbye, Zuzu.

SUSAN: ‘Bye, Eddie. (leaves)

EDWARD: (deep breath and exhale) Hm. (pause) Now. Where… ?

(pause)

EDWARD: Coffee.

(walking)

EDWARD: You know, it almost hurts to be right all the time.

JON: Must be a real strain on your zipper. Coffee?

EDWARD: God, yes. Thank you.

JON: You never said you had a sister.

EDWARD: I thought it was safer to pretend she didn’t exist, but now that seems moot.

JON: How d’you mean?

EDWARD: It’s…well, it’s Waller. Bolton was her man on the inside.

JON: Huh. I killed that guy, didn’t I?

EDWARD: You sure did.

JON: That’s a damn shame.

EDWARD: Rather; so she’s a touch pissed off about that. She knows I’m covering for you - without being able to prove it, mind you.

JON: So what’s the problem?

EDWARD: She made sure that I know that she knows my real name.

JON: Hm. That why you drove us out this way?

EDWARD: Yeah. I wanted to see if they made it this far. The opportunity to stick pins in my rapidly expiring father was just an added bonus.

JON: You think Waller’ll do somethin’?

EDWARD: She can try.

JON: You care about her, don’t you?

EDWARD: Yeah. Susan may be my only weakness, separate from my own… idiosyncrasies.

JON: ‘S weird to see you, like this.

EDWARD: Mm.

JON: You care nothing for your parents, though.

EDWARD: Nooooo, no no no. Their fate from this point has nothing to do with me.

JON: How’s Susan different?

EDWARD: Well, you were an only child, right?

JON: Let’s hope.

EDWARD: Right. You don’t know what it’s like to have a sibling. In a hostile home, you’re like prisoners of war. Marking time together, huddling to keep out the cold.

JON: What’s she like?

EDWARD: She’s… what I’m not.

JON: And what’s that?

EDWARD: Ethical.

JON: Example?

EDWARD: Susan would cover for me at any opportunity; tried to keep me from as many beatings as she could.

JON: Heh. She was your proof that your father was wrong.

EDWARD: Yeah, yeah - but we can discuss my lack of moral compass another time. You know, sometimes she’d stand in front of me because she knew Jackie wouldn’t hit her.

JON: Never?

EDWARD: Daddy’s little angel. … I’d move her aside. Pride dictated that I take my licks, you see; it was an affirmation of Jackie and me being different.

JON: The eternal struggle.

EDWARD: Him not beating me, me not taking the beating - it would have been a concession neither of us was willing to make. (pause) Buckle or belt, boy? (snickers) Give me the buckle, you fucking asshole.

JON: You must’ve been scared.

EDWARD: Who wouldn’t be?

JON: So then when did you stop?

EDWARD: You sound awfully sure that I had. … Ohh, you did gas me. When I was asleep.

JON: Maybe.

EDWARD: Fucking… mad scientist; I swear to God. Do you ever get consent?

JON: When it matters; answer the question.

EDWARD: (grumbles) I lost my fear after the first time he really beat me. I was in hospital for two weeks… fourteen years old. Susan would bring me my homework every day.

JON: Sweet.

EDWARD: Yeah.

JON: How’d he cover that up?

EDWARD: Said I was in a fight. (chuckles) That I liked starting fights. Before then, it was usually a smack, maybe something to knock me down - and threats that he would bend down to deliver to my face. But that time, seems I riled him enough that he just didn’t want to stop.

JON: You get more bad beatings, after that one?

EDWARD: Oh my, yes. My adolescence was… shall we say - fraught.

JON: How did that beatin’ take away your fear?

EDWARD: Well, after all that time. And… he tried so hard. But he couldn’t change me, because I wouldn’t let him have the satisfaction.

(pause)

EDWARD: I amplified myself out of spite.

(pause)

EDWARD: And all he could do in return… was hurt me.

(pause)

EDWARD: I mean - it’s only pain.

(pause)

EDWARD: I know, I said I don’t care. Yes, he still annoys me; plenty of people I care nothing for annoy me. But what I mean by not caring is - the memories don’t sting anymore.

(pause)

EDWARD: But I believe I’m entitled to feelings of resentment.

JON: Of course. (pause) Where does Susan fit into this?

EDWARD: I check up on her, from a distance.

JON: D’you regret leaving?

EDWARD: No. But she did deserve better.

JON: Better what?

EDWARD: (exhale) Better everything. (pause) Though your powers of observation are as stellar as ever.

JON: Oh yeah?

EDWARD: Susan and I have the same eyes, same smile…

JON: Hers ain’t shit-eatin’ like yours.

EDWARD: Sweet of you to notice.

JON: No glasses. Hair’s brown, not red.

EDWARD: Russet. Crack a thesaurus sometime.

JON: (shrug) Eh. She just doesn’t look that much like you, is all.

EDWARD: Always looked more like Jackie, the poor dear.

JON: How was I supposed to know she was your sister? She didn’t talk about herself once.

EDWARD: Oh, very fucking funny. Why were you two even talking?

JON: Heh. When we were in the gift shop, and we got the same bear.

EDWARD: Is that… some kind of code?

JON: Here. Got it for you.

EDWARD: … I heart my daddy. (trying not to laugh) You’re not funny.

JON: (grinning) Oh no?

EDWARD: (small burst of laughter, trying to be serious) No. You expect me to keep this?

JON: Nah. But you can stick pins in it, if you want.

EDWARD: Maybe I will.

JON: She was buying one for your Dad, then.

EDWARD: Still Daddy’s little angel. (chuckles) You like her?

JON: From what little I saw, yeah. Sure doesn’t deserve you as her brother.

EDWARD: Ohh, yes she does. I make sure her fire never goes out.

JON: How’d it go with your Dad?

EDWARD: (chuckles) Mm. I’ll tell you in the car; we should get going.

JON: Don’t forget your bear.

EDWARD: Don’t forget you’re not funny.

JON: Aww, but don’t you love your daddy?

EDWARD: (laughing) You suck. Let’s go.

JON: (chuckles)