(car noises; EDWARD stops the car)

EDWARD: Here we are! (checks watch) Right on schedule. And they said I couldn’t drive
myself around the block.

WAYLON: (uncertain) Eddie… this place is pretty fancy.

EDWARD: Absolutely it is! Nothing but the best for the likes of us, right?

WAYLON: Uurgh… (pulls up his hood)

EDWARD: Waylon. Why are you hiding inside your hood?

WAYLON: (muffled noises)

EDWARD: Are you embarrassed?

WAYLON: (less muffled) Naw.

EDWARD: Ashamed?

WAYLON: This place… too fancy fo’ me.

EDWARD: What? No it isn’t. I’ve seen far fancier than this.

WAYLON: I don’t belong here.

EDWARD: Who does? You should see the people who stay in places like these; it’s an
establishment that will take your money, regardless of what you look like. If you’ve got the money, they’ve got the time. (smug laugh) And for us, they have all the time in the world.

WAYLON: You look right, all clean and handsome and lookin’ like you got money. Not me. They’ll stare at me and kick me out. And dats if I’m lucky.

EDWARD: You think they’re going to judge you for how you look?

WAYLON: Dey always have befo’.

EDWARD: People do little else but make snide judgements and baseless accusations. Truth is, you’re the best man I know. Does that count for anything?

WAYLON: Heh heh. I know the same guys as you, Eddie.

EDWARD: (laughs) Alright, so you didn’t have much competition. But it’s not like you go
around tearing off heads. (thinks) Without a reason.

WAYLON: But it’s what dey ‘fraid of.

EDWARD: What goes on in people’s tiny little minds should be of no consequence to you.

WAYLON: … I guess.

EDWARD: Now come on. I booked us a room and we should make the most of it.

WAYLON: Time’s it?

EDWARD: 4pm. Check-in time. I’ll just… (stretches) grab my bag… there. Let’s go.

(they get out of the car)

VALET: (bored) Park your car, (momentary fright from WAYLON)... sir?

EDWARD: (cold) You may. (jingling of keys) I believe I have no need to tell you to be careful with it?

VALET: Indeed not, sir - she’s a beautiful machine.

EDWARD: Quite. Come along, Waylon.

(footsteps; Vivaldi’s The Four Seasons playing in the background)

(bell ringing)

RECEPTIONIST: Good afternoon. Welcome to the Cardinal Grand Hotel. How may I help
you today, sir?

EDWARD: Checking in. The reservation is under the name of Arthur Wynne. (spells the
surname)

RECEPTIONIST: (keys clacking) Ah yes. The Executive Suite; two doubles. Is this correct,
sir?

EDWARD: Yes, it is.

RECEPTIONIST: Excellent. We already have your credit card information on file - if you
could just sign the receipt along the bottom, please sir.

EDWARD: Of course. (pen scribbling)

RECEPTIONIST: Have you stayed with us before, sir?

EDWARD: I have. I’m well aware of your facilities.

RECEPTIONIST: Wonderful. Here is your key card, sir. Do you require a bellboy to carry up your bags?

EDWARD: No thank you, we have no luggage.

RECEPTIONIST: Very well, sir. Please enjoy your stay with us.

EDWARD: I’m sure we shall. Waylon?

WAYLON: Huh? Oh, right.

(carpeted footsteps; beeping of the elevator; interior noise)

EDWARD: Daydreaming?

WAYLON: Never seen such a big place from the inside befo’. Lots o’ lights. ‘S pretty.

EDWARD: (chuckles) Like I said, nothing but the best.

WAYLON: People were starin’. ‘N I scared that car boy.

EDWARD: (breezily) They’re nobodies. Let them sweat.

(beeping of the elevator reaching its floor)

(carpeted footsteps)

EDWARD: Here we are. (beep of key card opening the door)

WAYLON: Beds? Two - two beds?

EDWARD: (closes the door) Yes... what were you expecting? A couch?

WAYLON: … Nuthin’, really.

EDWARD: (disbelief) A patch of floor?

WAYLON: Well, maybe.

EDWARD: Surely, you jest.

WAYLON: Never thought I’d get a bed just fo’ me.

EDWARD: Really?

WAYLON: Haven’t had a bed fo’ years. Can’t remember the last time.

EDWARD: (sighs) Waylon, you break my cold, dead heart.

WAYLON: (fidgets)

EDWARD: You know what? There should be a bathtub in the next room. Nice big one. Why don’t you take a bath? Get the smell of the open road off you. It might help you relax a bit.

WAYLON: (relieved) Dats a good idea. What you gonna do?

EDWARD: I have some business to check up on. Don’t you worry about me.

WAYLON: A’ight. (closes the door, soon there’s the sound of running water)

(beeping as EDWARD works)

EDWARD: Hm. Let’s see...

WAYLON: (behind the door) HEY! There’s a rubber duck in here!

EDWARD: (chuckles, calls out) Oh yeah?

WAYLON: Got meself a new friend! (splashing noises) Come to Waylon, little Duckie! I won’t eat ya! ‘M awful hungry tho’... om nom nom! Heh, I’m just kiddin’ wit’ ya. (splashing)

EDWARD: (chuckles) … Oh, that reminds me. (picks up the phone, presses a button) Room service, please. (pause) I’d like breakfast delivered to my suite tomorrow morning. (pause) Yes, I’m quite aware of the Continental breakfast. I would prefer it delivered to my room and added to my bill. (pause) Oh, nothing terribly fussy; enough for two people. Lots of fruit, croissants, coffee, orange juice - yes, you get the idea. One more thing. Could you possibly recommend a restaurant in the immediate area? (pause) Too kind; thank you. (hangs up, then beeping of the phone again)

(door opens, WAYLON comes out)

WAYLON: Check me out! All clean wit’ fluffy slippers and robe.

EDWARD: (still looking at his phone, beeping noises) They’re complimentary. You can keep them, if you want.

WAYLON: Naw, too nice for dat. Watcha doin’?

EDWARD: I’m about to order dinner. I figured you’d prefer to eat away from other people.

WAYLON: (relieved) You got it, Eddie. Thankya. What place is it?

EDWARD: A restaurant in the area called Amadeus. For all their four stars, they don’t do
takeout or delivery.

WAYLON: Bummer. Pizza then?

EDWARD: (smug laugh) Oh, not at all. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. (on the phone)
Hello? Yes, tell me, my good man - do you do take-out? (short pause) No? Oh, that’s a
shame. Tell you what - allow me to rephrase the question. For a cool thousand dollars, will you do take-out? (pause) Oh, you will? How serendipitous for both of us!

WAYLON: Heh.

EDWARD: (discreetly) What would you like, Waylon?

WAYLON: Uhh…

EDWARD: What is the fanciest thing you can think of?

WAYLON: (excited) Ooh! Jambalaya!

EDWARD: They may not have that.

WAYLON: Dangit. Too fancy?

EDWARD: Perhaps so. Hm. (on the phone) Tell me, do you have anything on your menu
befitting a more Southern expectation? (pause) (to Waylon) How does steak and Cajun
shrimp grab you, Waylon?

WAYLON: Wow! Jus’ fo’ me? Really?

EDWARD: That’s a yes to that. (pause) How do you want it grilled?

WAYLON: (puzzled) Grilled?

EDWARD: Ah. Blue rare, please. (pause) Yes, I’m aware of - (pause) It’s fine. He’ll be fine.
(irritated) Just do it, he’ll be fine. (pause) You want some kind of accompaniment, Waylon?

WAYLON: A wha’?

EDWARD: Potatoes, vegetables, rice, fries - that sort of thing?

WAYLON: Baked potato, since we gettin’ fancy!

EDWARD: Twice baked potato with bacon. Toss in a fudge sundae for him, too.

WAYLON: (touched) Aw see now… now you gettin’ crazy.

EDWARD: And for me? Hm. Prime rib with horseradish, red wine herb jus. Grilled
medium well. Fresh vegetables as accompaniment. What are your red wines from the bottom of the list? (pause) I’ll take a bottle of Caymus Vineyards Cabernet Sauvignon. (pause) Yes, the whole bottle. And a glass, naturally. (aside) Oh, where are my manners - you want some beer, Waylon?

WAYLON: (in mild shock) Uh - sure.

EDWARD: Whichever of your beers is best, for my friend. He’s not the fussy type. Now how long should we expect to wait? (pause) (chuckles) Forty-five minutes? Excellent. I’ll be there shortly. (pause) My name? Eugene Maleska. Best be ready to greet me yourself, for the one who does gets the cash bonus. (pause) Oh no, thank you. (laughs) That was easy.

WAYLON: Damn, Eddie. You slick.

EDWARD: Well, what are rules but arbitrary boundaries made to be kicked down by people like us?

WAYLON: Yer right, Eddie.

(beeping noises as EDWARD works)

WAYLON: … Y’know what? To heck wit’ the rules.

EDWARD: Oh yes?

WAYLON: I’mma keep this duck.

EDWARD: (grinning) You rebel.

WAYLON: (squeaking of the duck) Right, buddy? You an’ me. Two friends against the worl’.

EDWARD: (amused) Well, you’ve gotta do something, don’t you?

WAYLON: What should I call it?

EDWARD: (snorts) How about Judy?

WAYLON: Ducky called Judy. I like it.

EDWARD: I’m sure you’re going to be very happy together.

(squeaking, laughing)