EDWARD: Hmm… (inhales) Oh. (wince) Does no one just say “come with me” any more? (wince) Oh. Ow. Oh. My head feels like there’s Frenchman living in it.

OSWALD: Ah… Our Mr. Nygma is finally awake.

EDWARD: Who is that? How long have I been out?

OSWALD: All will be made clear, soon enough. Though you may want to consider a visit to the doctor’s, after this.

EDWARD: Ugh… No doctors. I hope for your sake the lights are off because if you detached my retinas I will be VERY unhappy.

OSWALD: Perhaps it’s time… to illuminate our guest.

EDWARD: That voice…

OSWALD: Samson. (snaps fingers twice, lights come up)

EDWARD: Oh, God. It’s worse than I thought.

OSWALD: Good evening, Mr. Nygma.

EDWARD: Cobblepot.

OSWALD: You’ve been getting yourself into quite a few troubles these last few years, Mr. Nygma. You’ve made quite a few people very… angry.

EDWARD: Oh well, I AM sorry.

OSWALD: And when people get angry enough, they’re willing to to pay dearly for
aforementioned problems to… go away. Hercules. (snaps fingers once) My umbrella, please. Thank you. So tell me, my dear Edward, any last words you’d like to share?

EDWARD: At this point, you’re doing me a favour.

OSWALD: (unsheathes his sword, pauses, then starts to laugh)

EDWARD: (begins to laugh also)

OSWALD: Oh, my arrogant associate. I could never bring myself to kill you.

EDWARD: Oh, of course you can’t, you corpulent cad! We’re the only two intellectuals left in Gotham! Fourteen letter word for realism?

OSWALD: Verisimilitude.

EDWARD: Ahaha! Sharp as ever, Oswald. Now, why am I tied up in the asylum basement?

OSWALD: Oh dear… (chuckles) where are my manners? Hercules, untie our guest.

EDWARD: Hercules, and… Samson? Was Ancient Greece having a sale on henchmen?

OSWALD: (chuckles) Well spotted. Belonged to our man Maxie before his incarceration, so they were a steal.

EDWARD: They certainly provide adequate muscle.

OSWALD: Yes. My apologies for that. Seems I was needlessly ambiguous when I told them to “collect Mr. Nygma and bring him to me”. As for why you’re tied up in an asylum basement, I’m afraid that Bolton fellow’s been about and now secrecy is harder than ever.

EDWARD: He is quite the pain in the ass.

OSWALD: Indeed. And an unbribeable one at that! So I shall be brief, for the moment. Would you like to leave this place?

EDWARD: Of course I would - but there’s a catch.

OSWALD: (snicker) There’s always a catch, Mr. Nygma. If you haven’t heard, I am to be the next mayor of Gotham City, come November.

EDWARD: I’d heard the news along those lines. But I tend to keep my nose out of politics.

OSWALD: Hah! Very clever, Edward. And it’s just that kind of mind I need working in the new Mayor’s office. So what do you say, eh? Out early, for good behaviour?

EDWARD: I didn’t even think the Mayor had that kind of authority.

OSWALD: (snicker) Oh, heavens no. But I do.

EDWARD: Hmm. It’s a deal, then.

OSWALD: Excellent! Now I’ve got work to do, so Samson will see you back to your cell - SAFELY, this time, eh? I believe Mr. Nygma would rather his cranium not be concussed for the time being.

EDWARD: Until next we meet, Mr. Mayor.

OSWALD: Adieu, Mr. Nygma.