CRANE: (pause, then starts to laugh)

EDWARD: Shut up.

CRANE: (laughs)

EDWARD: Oh, I’m so glad you’re enjoying this.

CRANE: I’m sorry. (clears his throat) I’m sorry, Edward. I thought that since you would be
unable to attend your session, I should make a house call.

EDWARD: Out of the goodness of your heart, I’m sure. Did Jerry put you up to this?

CRANE: Oh no, I volunteered.

EDWARD: Of course you did.

CRANE: So, I guess we’ll start with the recent events. For the record – what happened?

EDWARD: Nothing.

CRANE: Those are a lot of casts for nothing.

EDWARD: They’re not permanent, you buffoon – they’re on until they’re sure nothing is
broken.

CRANE: Well, heh – I’m sure you’ll be vine. Uh – fine.

EDWARD: Oh, you did not.

CRANE: Hm?

EDWARD: (sigh) I got my ass royally kicked by a plant, alright? I confronted Dr. Isley about her incessant humming, and her plants turned on me. They done whooped me good. Happy?

(background laughing)

EDWARD: Dammit, Kenneth – I can hear that! It’s not funny! It’s not funny.

CRANE: Thank you Kenneth, that will be all.

KENNETH: Ah sir, you’re not allowed to close the uh –

CRANE: Take a walk, Kenneth.

KENNETH: Sure, uh… you got it, Dr. Crane. (closes the door)

CRANE: Alright, Edward. No one’s laughin’ anymore. How do you feel these attempts on your life have affected you?

EDWARD: What – being Gotham’s proverbial punching bag?

CRANE: I feel at this point it would be –

EDWARD: Literal, yes.

CRANE: Uh-huh.

EDWARD: I am now Gotham’s literal punching bag.

CRANE: How does that make you feel?

EDWARD: Oh, dandy! Amazing! I was thinking maybe if I changed my name to Everlast, I
could get a sponsorship! Wouldn’t even have to change the monogrammed towels back
home. (pause) I just don’t know how to make it stop. The Joker, Harley, Lex Luthor, Elliot – and now even Pamela! – has had a whale on me. What IS it about me that makes people want to punch me in the face?

CRANE: Well, uh…

EDWARD: That was rhetorical, Jonathan, I already know the answer.

CRANE: You forgot one, though.

EDWARD: Oh, did I?

CRANE: Tetch.

EDWARD: Impressive. You’ve been doing your homework.

CRANE: You never mentioned you two worked together.

EDWARD: Those were Nashton days, and thus irrelevant. (pause) Well you have the file,
obviously, why do I have to say it? UGH, fine! Jervis Tetch and I worked at CyberWare, a
division of WayneTech, back when we were all just pups. I was in the software division, and Tetch was in the hardware division, and he tried to kill me when he discovered the girl he had a hard-on for actually had a hard-on for ME. It was a dramatic, riveting event that would forever drive a rift between Jervis and myself. (sigh)

CRANE: Did you like her?

EDWARD: Who? Tetch’s eye candy? Don’t be obscene. I couldn’t help it if someone fancied me. It’s not like I can dictate how people feel about me. All I can do is be me, and deal with the consequences as they arise.

CRANE: Yes. Just like…

EDWARD: Just like… right now.

CRANE: Good or bad, you’re always gonna be you. So, you either roll with it, or you stop
being you.

EDWARD: WELL. One would almost think you’ve done this before.

CRANE: One would think. Well I think that’s enough for the day – I’ll leaf you to your
thoughts.

EDWARD: You’re the worst doctor in history. I hope you know that.

(CRANE leaves and closes the door behind him)