8bitwrestler asks: Allow me to apologize for my simple question in advance, but due to
my love of cinema and film, I couldn’t help but wonder: Who would you want to play
yourself in a movie?
AND
shesagraceyouwish asks: If someone was to play you in a film, who would you want to
play you?
You know, I don’t care who they are. The look doesn’t matter a damn when only drivel
comes from their mouth. I sometimes wish I could see myself depicted seriously rather
than as a figure of ridicule; to be well-written instead of lobotomised when I’m more
intelligent than the writer… which is always. But y’know what my Pop used to say - you
can wish in one hand and crap in the other, and see which one fills up first.

Anonymous asks: Please give us the birds and the bees story.
Please, this is the age of the internet: you probably know more than I do; theoretically,
at least. What could I possibly tell you that you don’t already know? Next to which,
you’re only asking because you want to hear me tell you all about sexual intercourse.
You want a story: something long, with big, exciting words. You desired leisurely
titillation, but what you get is brief, unsatisfying, and ultimately pointless. (chuckles)
Don’t say I never teach you anything.

iwillpostnothing asks: You’ve made it abundantly clear that the intelligence of the
average citizen isn’t exactly up to snuff. Is there anything you propose can be done
about it?
AND
ofrantingandrobots asks: Would you consider the average Gotham citizen unintelligent
by normal standards, or do they simply seem that way when compared to the likes of
you and the Batman?
AND
valoscope asks: Would you actually be happier if everyone were as intelligent as you, or
would you miss being on top too much to consider it?
AND
anonymous asks: Oh Riddler, can you please explain why the world is full of the most
idiotic species in the universe? All except you, of course!
First: proper sexual education. Second: they’re background noise only; inconsequential.
Third: I have myself to talk to, so I’m perfectly content; since the human race gets
dumber as time goes on, I’m not in any danger of being toppled from the top spot.
Finally: lack of proper sexual education.

Anonymous asks: Did you date any of your secretaries when you were a private
investigator?
No. I ran a detective agency, not The damn Dating Game. Look, let me give you a little
tip - one’s personal fantasies are like political opinions, religious affiliations, and sexually
transmitted diseases: better kept to oneself.

umbaby asks: Were you in Arkham when Mr. Bolton was in charge? What, if you don’t
mind me asking, was your experience of it?
Bolton is currently watching the world pass by from inside Blackgate Prison - according
to the scuttlebutt, he got a bit too… how shall I put this… despotic with Arkham’s
residents - earned him some cool off time. That said, I would have no reason to doubt
he’s not the same old stickler in the mud as he ever was. Living in perpetual obeisance
of authority while wielding his own like a club. Or, perhaps, a tiny baton. (snickers)

damianfuckingstark asks: Do you have a favourite partner in crime, or do you only work
with your fellow rogues if you absolutely need to?
AND
anonymous asks: If you had to team up with a fellow villain, who would it be?
AND
anonymous asks: Hey, do you know any other villain you’d be willing to, like, team up
with?
AND
itseasytoremember asks: Mr. Nigma, out of all the villains in Gotham, or even the world,
who would you be willing to work with? Also, I picture you being influenced by Professor
James Moriarty - Would that be a fair assumption?
The first one - you’ve answered your own question; I only work with people I find useful.
We’re all like that: we have our own MO, aesthetic, ego, etcetera. Rogues working
together is like stuffing a bunch of feral cats in a bag: we seek to injure ourselves and
each other instead of working together. Alas, someone tends to have the presence of
mind to just toss us down a well before we reach accord, however.

Anonymous asks: Have you ever committed a sexual assault on a woman before?
Sorry if it’s a bit candid. You are a criminal, after all.
… Ohh, that’s not… that’s not what you mean, at all.
Quite apart from being deplorably disrespectful, your casual tone implies sexual assault
as something that all criminals must do, by virtue of being criminals. But a question for
you: would you ask Harley this? She’s a criminal. How about Pamela? An eco-terrorist
in specific, and a criminal in general. And Selena? A criminal who specialises in theft.
No, I don’t expect you’d ask them. If you had the stones, you’d ask them if they’ve been
sexually assaulted, because they’re female. Never mind the fact that if I were
unguarded, any one of them could hand my ass to me with one tied behind their back,
no - this comes down to them being women. That they are career criminals has nothing
to do with it. You didn’t mean to say, “you’re a criminal”; that was a feeble justification.
You meant to say, “you’re a man”. If you had, that would have been actually candid,
instead of this hamfisted attempt to shove a brick into a velvet glove. I could have
respected candour, if nothing else.
What kind of man do you take me for? Do you believe that I am the kind of man who
needs to assert dominance over another person - instances of rape not being relegated
solely to women, though sadly that is the majority - by means of sexual violence? What
made you believe I was the kind of man who enjoys subjecting others to this kind of
power? Is it simply my life lived outside the moral bounds of sensible society? You’ll
have to forgive the gallows humour I feel about such an instance - that you expect a
criminal to be guilty of sexual assault, when you’ll find that the perpetrators of this crime
are the people you don’t suspect. Bright young things who shouldn’t have their bright
young futures ruined because they forgot that a woman is a person and not a thing.
So after we’ve unpacked your meaning, what have we got, in proper English? (clears
throat) “Since you’re a man, tell me about one of the times you raped someone. If that
sounds blunt, too bad - you’ve spent more than one night in a prison cell, and have thus
forfeited the basic rights of any other human being.” How does that sound? Better?
(incredulous laugh) Who asks something like this? Only someone with the blessing of
distance between them and the subject, that’s for certain. Here’s my answer, for the
knuckle-draggers among us: I never have, and I never will. Do not ask me a question
like this again: I will not answer.

paddedcell asks: How does it feel to be the real challenge for Batman in both the
Asylum and Arkham City, and yet remain rather unacknowledged for the brainpower put
into your masterful duels with him?
AND
anonymous asks: Does it bother you that many people, Batman included, consider his
true rival the Joker? Whereas you’re often seen as a distraction, or at least definitely not
a rival.
(sighs) This again. The Joker is enlarged to a ludicrous degree in popular media - how
could one man command so much stage time without one of us simply killing him out of
spite? Where I come from, the Joker is more of a comical nuisance than some unkillable
chaos monster. For pity’s sake, the existence of such a man is ludicrous; none of us
would stand for it. Nor, might I add, would the Harley we know stand for the abused sex
toy treatment she gets in the same popular media. I thought my portrayals were bad -
you want to talk character assassination? Good Lord. Ask her about that sometime. Be
prepared to have your ears talked off.

Anonymous asks: I’ve got a riddle in my pants – Want to solve it?
Solve it yourself. I know you know how.

Diableret asks: Do you like ice cream?
I have sorbet, but I’m on a diet. You know what? I have to return some videotapes.