SATAH: Welcome to Folio, an actual play podcast about solo and epistolary TTRPGs. I'm your host, Satah, and my goal is to showcase multiple possible experiences of self-paced games by inviting guests to play them alongside me so I can compile our stories together. You can support the show financially at patreon.com/foliopod, or join as a free member to get access to the bonus podcast feed. In a few days, that feed's gonna get the edited audio-only version of last month's stream, which is always posted alongside the public release of the VOD.
Today we are continuing our games of Live. Love. Die. Remember. a game about "mechs falling in love with their pilots, reliving their memories of love before the end, and the cost of victory by Ray Cox.
With me again are Brianna Price and Dora Rogers. Check out their links in the episode description, particularly Dee's ongoing at the moment Kickstarter for Drink My Sweat, a Bottoms-inspired storytelling game for queer women. "Punch cuties, get messed up, fall in love, be fucking hot" funding now and throughout Zine Month, February 2025.
Last week we established the parameters of the war and saw the first things our mechs remembered about their relationships to their pilots as they sit in the stretched out, frozen moment before the decisive action in their final battle. We join them, still in that moment, for more reminiscing.
GAME: MEMORY TWO
BRIANNA: Let's roll again. You know what? It's fun.
DEE: Give me another random number.
SATAH: Let's roll for the second memory, and then let's make some lunch. Everyone all together, no matter when you're hearing this, make some lunch.
Okay, I rolled a 3 on my D4, so this is gonna be the results from 21 to 30. Rolling my D10. I got a 6, so it's gonna be 26. "What you teased them about." Interesting.
So the first thing I thought of was just they're like– that she has a kind of adorable outsized reaction to space travel? That– I mean, I don't know how many pilots I've worked with, but I imagine that there is some baseline expectation of how pilots should act that I am aware of or have programmed into me or something. And the fact that she is so like, not nonchalant about space in the way that most pilots would be, I think is quite endearing.
I'm not sure if that's what I poke at. I think that what I might tease her about is… it's- it's- it's it's her, like, mechanical special interest, right? Like– we're doing surveillance. We're watching the enemy ace train a bunch of rookies from a distance and she is getting very caught up in looking at the new hardware of the rookies being like, "Oh my god, look at these manufacturing… things… that they've evolved. Look at the ways that they've gotten better. Look at the ways they've put this together," that kind of thing.
And I think again, in a slightly dangerous way, I sort of tease her… about… sedition. Like– tease her about having seditious thoughts, admiring the artillery of the enemy, and suggesting in some way that their forces may be impressive in a way that ours are not.
And… this is genuinely alarming to her at first because it sounds a little bit like the type of thing that maybe I am genuinely programmed to watch out for. Like, it would make sense if there was some sort of watchdog program inside of me that is- that is trained to, like, check if a pilot is maybe gonna… do… a treason! Because we're giving them a lot of power and a lot of agency in their giant killing machines. And so, you know, we just want to keep an eye on that. We just want to make sure that they're loyal!
And so she's genuinely nervous, like, "Oh, I crossed the line and I'm about to be reported and get reprimanded." And then I push it a little farther, you know? Like she clams up and she's like, "Well, no, of course I think that this and this and this."
And I just push it a little further where I turn it into more obvious of a joke, saying, like… playing into the like, "Oh, you're looking at other girls?" type thing. Like not literally that, but that's very much the tone. And she slowly realizes that I'm joking and relaxes and laughs super hard and gets much more open and enthusiastic about sharing her interest with me? And her enthusiasm. Like, is- is very much like, "Oh, I'm– I can just talk about this now. Great."
And I think quietly there is some part of me that's like, "Oh, this is also just very tactically advantageous. Like, you're excited and it does mean that you are… providing me with data that I can turn into something useful that might save our lives at some point." Or– I think there's even part of me that is like preemptively defensive. Like… if someone else catches word that she talks like this, they might genuinely think that she's a problem. And so I am already analyzing the data and turning it into a report of like, "Actually, I think that you'll find that Pilot Cadaver was able to notice all of these things. And now we know better how to defeat this particular type of enemy, blah, blah, blah."
But yeah, that's– I– I do some light teasing about their interest in mechanics being seditious thought.
DEE: 28. [Wondrous gasp] "Your first dance." Oh, wow. Oh, this is interesting.
Your first dance. 'Cause that could mean a few different things for a mech, right? Like, this could just mean us piloting. Like, her piloting me. Or it could mean an actual dance in some way.
There's this really cute thing in Gundam: The Witch From Mercury, where they're trying to like– the characters are trying to sort of, uh– they have the challenge of making this kind of scary mech technology kind of palatable to people? So they shoot this really silly video of the main character, Suletta dancing and her mech doing the same dance next to her, which is just what I immediately thought of when I saw this prompt. But, um– it's not that, but maybe it has a little of that goofy energy.
So I think this started with Tamsin, uh… yeah, okay, okay. So back on- back on our ship, back on the the Firenze, there's, uh… like, they're on R&R, right? Like they've been on the front lines for a long time, and they're getting their break, where they're docked at a- at a big space station, the ship's being repaired, but there's not really anything to do on the space station. It's just like a, y'know, glorified supply depot. So everybody's going a little stir crazy, because we're just sitting on the ship with, like, diminished duty.
So, um, the commanding officers– and like, I think Tamsin was sort of, like, involved in this as a senior officer– they decide to throw a dance. And they do it in the the mech bay, this like huge open space where all of these giant robots are gathered so that they can work on– be worked on. And I guess maybe the way that the space works is that there's kind of, like, scaffolding along the sides and the mechs are all parked next to the scaffolding so that you can like– you know, you can you can work on the– like, the pilots can climb in, people can work on the upper parts of the mech. Yeah. And there's a dance.
And I think at this point– this was later, this is a good deal after the comet night. And this was, like– not, like, a recommended use case necessarily? Um, Tamsin had started leaving me on all the time, right? Like, I'm supposed to, like– you shut the mech off at– when you're done with it. And the AI is basically asleep. And I think, you know, sometimes I do that because I can get bored. But, um, often, she would just leave me on because she started to think of me as a person. As a friend. So I'm on all the time now.
And I'm just watching the dance. And it looks fucking fun.
I think there's probably a lot of different stuff that goes on at this dance, right? Like, there's probably actually like line dancing, because, you know, they want it to be sort of, like, a lighthearted team building thing. So there's a lot of that, which is, you know, I mean, line dancing can be a fucking blast. Um, it's not like line dancing is tame. But later in the night, like, the music gets louder and more current, and the dancing gets kind of more chaotic.
And I feel like given that we're in kind of a forever war, there's like a degree to which relationships inside of the service are, like, you know, they're frowned upon, and obviously, like, you can't do it within a chain of command. So it's like the… like, you can't sleep with your superior officer. And it means like the captain is ultimately out of luck. But it's kind of tolerated for everybody else, right? Especially for more casual hookups. And there's a lot of, like– a lot of couples are going to leave this dance. Couples or larger groups are going to leave this dance and have fun in other ways in different places. So the energy is very sexually charged.
And Tamsin– Tamsin's right out there. I think that Tamsin doesn't– you know, she doesn't- she doesn't have a partner. There's nobody that she's going to slip away with. But she's a fucking hottie. She's this- this, like, gorgeous, very feminine, very feminine, um– like, she– her hair is long– like usually, of course, she has it up because she's in a military setting. But tonight, her long hair is down. She's like, like small fat, very curvy, and just beautiful. And she's as glamorous as sort of, like, her condition– you– being on this- this military ship will allow. Like, she's- she's, like, gone all out on her makeup. It's probably a way, like, I've never really seen her before, actually.
And she's very popular. But she's kind of– I think partly because she's highly ranked, partly because she feels the burden of being one of the leaders on this station very keenly. She's just kind of, to some degree, not in the mood. Maybe a little bit because there's somebody that she likes, even if she hasn't admitted it to herself. [Stage whisper:] And that someone is me.
She doesn't partner up is what I'm saying, but she has a lot of kind of sexy dances with people. And I don't think I'm jealous of that. Well, I'm not jealous in the sense of, like, being jealous of Tamsin's attention. I think it doesn't occur to me to be, because even though I love Tamsin at this point, I know I can't be a partner to her in that way. Or I think that I can't be a partner to her in that way.
I'm jealous that I can't dance with her. That's what I'm jealous about. I'm jealous that I can't dance, but I'm not jealous that other people like her or that she might like somebody else.
And, uh, I think that that leads… huh. That night, as the night winds down and she's sobered up because she probably wasn't sober the entire time. She comes to say good night to me. And is kind of like, you know, "Oh, like, what did you think of seeing your first dance?"
And yeah, I think I'm honest. I'm, uh– probably pretty guileless, really. You know, I'm probably pretty open about things.
I just say– I say sort of what I just said, right? Except for I don't– I think the one thing I will not say to her is that I love her, because it feels like too much to put on her. But I'll just say, like, "That was– it was amazing. I really enjoyed it. It was beautiful. It looked like so much fun. I really wish that- that I could dance like that."
And… I think she sort of gets sly and there's not a lot of people around, and there's, uh– somebody has to be on duty, right? So I think she just climbs into the cockpit and seals the cockpit up and, uh, like, calls to the flight controller or whatever, like, "Hey, I'm taking Adze-E out."
And they're like, "W-why? Is this a patrol?"
And she's just like, "Don't worry about it."
And they don't worry about it. Because it's- yeah, it's Tamsin. It's Lieutenant– what did I name her? Lieutenant Commander Calder. And she gets what she wants.
She probably has a call sign. I'll have to think about that.
And we fly out into space and, um… I think it's a little experimental. She says something like, uh, "Alright, so it takes– it takes two people to dance. So, um… I am going to control our maneuvering and you are going to control our thrusters." And she just, is just kind of like, let's- let's see what that's like.
And it's- it's interesting actually. Like it is– because it does give us both a lot of- a lot of input. Because I can, by increasing or decreasing our thrust, I can change our turning radius. Um, so, uh, I can turn a sort of gentle curve into a tight loop by increasing or decreasing speed. And you know, obviously she's ultimately, like, leading where we go.
And it's fun. It's really fun. And I think it feels very intimate.
And, uh, as we're going back to the ship, I say, "Is that what dancing's like?"
And she's kind of like, "It's a very different kind of dancing than I've ever done before. But yeah. I think that's kind of what dancing's like."
And, uh, yeah. And she parks me and we say good night. And she asks if I want to switch off for the night or not. And I say no. And, uh… I just think a lot about dancing that night. I think a lot about dancing. And about her. And I think I also think about the things that we don't have or don't do. And the biggest thing is touch. Because… I think that touching is a lot of what seems special to me about dancing. Yeah.
I have to mark my chassis. [Giggle]
Okay. I'm going to draw like a really– I'm going to draw like little stick figures. But, um, I want you to know that this represents what she puts on my chassis after this, which is another stencil of this– two women in silhouette, like, dancing like crazy. Like, um, not touching, but like standing next to each other and just fucking like jamming out. Like, dance like nobody's watching style. Yeah.
I think she puts that over my heart. The comet was on my arm.
BRIANNA: Twenty. "When they told you what they fight for." Huh.
They told me… I think… we were training at this point. The thing about being what we were is that there was a lot of preamble toward before getting out there to try to kill the enemy ace. They didn't want the enemies to know what they had developed.
My pilot was still… frustrated. Still felt that… I guess, from my perspective, it seemed like she still felt like this was beneath her. This wasn't what she should be doing. But I wanted… to understand why, because to me, there's nothing greater than the purpose we were built for. Or I guess I was built for. Mm… no. That we were made for.
And so while we were in the midst of a simulation, I asked, I said… I always used to call her, like, Sergeant. Um, I don't think she was a Sergeant, but I always called her Sergeant. At least at first.
BRIANNA, AS THE MECH: Sergeant.
BRIANNA, AS SERGEANT: Yes?
BRIANNA, AS THE MECH: Why… do you feel this is beneath you?
BRIANNA, AS SERGEANT: I- I never said I feel this is beneath me. Why do you think I think that?
BRIANNA, AS THE MECH: I'm sorry. I must have misunderstood. Why… is this not what you… wish to be doing?
BRIANNA, AS SERGEANT: 'Cause it's not what I signed up for. Don't you know what they're doing out there? How much have they told you?
BRIANNA, AS THE MECH: Ah… tell… me?
BRIANNA, AS SERGEANT: Jesus, they haven't even told you. They– so they just made you, huh? They just made you and… that's just supposed to be– good enough?
BRIANNA, AS THE MECH: Ah… I don't understand. I have purpose. I need nothing more than purpose.
BRIANNA, AS SERGEANT: No, you don't have purpose; you have programming. You have rules imbued in you. I have purpose. I've seen what they did to us. I have seen the water get tainted, the crops rotting. I have seen the plague they unleashed upon the world to try to keep us in fucking line. I have seen why we fight.
BRIANNA, AS THE MECH: Why do you fight?
BRIANNA, AS SERGEANT: Because once I had a family. Now I don't anymore.
BRIANNA: And she sort of– I don't know that I ever saw her cry, but I heard in her voice, her stopping herself from crying. And she says,
BRIANNA, AS SERGEANT: Once I had a home and a family and a life. I… I used to fight like hell for us to get by. And eventually, they made it clear that us just getting by just wasn't– wasn't something they could allow. So now I'm here. And I'm here to kill that… kill as many of those motherfuckers as I can take. I don't… I… yeah.
BRIANNA, AS THE MECH: Is there something that you were going to say?
BRIANNA, AS SERGEANT: No, damn it. Focus. Let's get back to– we have work to do.
We have work to do.
BRIANNA: Doing another tally…
GAME: MEMORY THREE
DEE: "The sunrise you watch together." I'm going to skip that one because it feels a lot like- it feels a lot like watching a comet together.
"How they"– the one right above that on the list is "How they helped you understand the weight of taking a life." Oh boy. Um, that's really good. Um, so I'm going to do that.
How did they help me understand the weight of taking a life?
I think this was very early. This was close to the comet night. And, um… because I think it's important for this that Tamsin start to have a sense of my emerging– like, the fact that I am a person.
And we go out into a really tough, crazy mission. You know– so our– the mission that I was designed for is attacking a fortress, right? So it's like, I'm like the- the heaviest of heavies. I like, I go out into just, like, crazy amounts of fire and I dish out a huge amount of punishment to like, to- to- to bring down these really heavy defenses.
I'm going to say this happened on Earth. The Firenze can be on Earth, right? Like, it can, it can go through reentry and, um, it's got, you know, whatever magic anti-gravity technology it, um– it can sort of like, uh, float over the landscape. This is very, very Gundam of course. Um, but, uh, that technology is not strong enough to, like, get us– um, like we- we couldn't get, uh– we couldn't escape Earth's gravity.
So we deployed from the Firenze to this just, like, this massive fortress that was a key spot in defending, like, the- the Coalition of Luna's holdings on Earth, right? 'Cause I said before that they- they need, um, like a source of water, air, like all of these things that we don't have on the moon necessarily.
Um, and this is a key– we're- we're- we're part of an offensive to sort of chip away at that territory. And, uh, we attack this huge fortress that they've built with walls and turrets and all of this very like, uh, sci-fi like, uh, stuff… like turrets, like, uh, like rise out of the ground and then descend into the ground so you can't take them out. Um, and it's all laid out as this, like, you know- so that you have to cross this field of fire. This, like, killing ground. And that's- that's what we have to do.
Um, it's the– it's the Adze-E and, um, I think the first production models are coming online at this point. So there are a few other Adzes with us, and Tamsin, as, like, the veteran in using this kind of model, she leads this mission across this, uh, this no man's land. This, like, open ground that's been created to destroy attackers.
And we, like– we are taking– I am taking heavy hits. But I'm designed to take heavy hits. And uh, we, we achieve our mission.
I think one of the Adze-P's, you know, gets– not destroyed, but, like, seriously damaged. Um, I'm kind of picturing this as like– like, it's like when tanks were first deployed in World War One, people didn't quite know how to use them, so– and they were kind of unreliable. So they would, like, break down in the middle of an offensive, um. So something sort of like that, right? Like one takes a hard hit in a weak point, like a joint, and it's kind of stuck in the middle of no man's land. But, um you know. We're able to press on.
And you know, we get close enough that we're able to– like, I'm able to like unload with this, uh– I think it's an un-integrated cannon, but like– I'm– this is- I'm very much drawing this from Gundam Heavyarms from Gundam Wing. Um, it had this, like, huge cannon that could– it could sort of hold onto, that it could then, like, drop. Um, I've got this, like, huge cannon that, uh– that I carry at my right hand, that I can drop when I'm done with. Make it the left hand because I'm left handed and I want it to be on my left hand. Uh, so I'm, like, laying down waste with this cannon and like these- these huge shells are popping out and like the plates are opening up in my- my chest, like, armor's like- like poking open and like a bunch of missiles fly out.
And we just, yeah. Like this- this team of- of Adzes is totally up to the challenge of this heavy fortress, um. And there's all of these explosions that are so satisfying for the viewers at home. And the mission is, you know, on the whole, a huge success. And it's– I think it's, like, a big vindication of Tamsin's work and the- like, the whole class of mechs, and, like, now there's going to be more Adzes.
And um, in the aftermath of this- is like, our infantry moves in and takes control of the fortress. The– all of the Adzes just get parked, um, you know, like, once the- the area is clear outside of the fortress. So we're all just standing there. And Tamsin goes inside and is– she's not like part of the assault, right, but like, she goes, and there's, like, a mobile command center set up and she's getting debriefed. Um, and uh, there, you know– now we have, like, fucking showers and dorms and stuff in this fortress. So she's probably, like, getting rest after this combat mission.
And um, when she comes back… I think we parted on this, like really nice– in this really nice way where she was- she was happy because we'd succeeded, and it was– like I said, it was a big vindication of like her investment in this project, like this new model testing, you know, of piloting the experimental model and being successful on missions. And now our first sort of, like, big official mission is out of the way.
We parted in this– like, she was really happy. And she comes back and she's really tight lipped. And… I think I, like– being very well-meaning, am kind of, um, chipper, and kind of like, uh, you know, like, "Oh! Like, were the generals happy?" Like I'm, you know, I'm sort of like burbling all of these excited questions. And…
She is very short with me and eventually… well, I mean, yeah. I think I'm just hurt. And she sort of has this like– I get very robotic, right? I'm just like– this is how I deal with being hurt. I'm just kind of like, I've started, like, only answering her queries, um, with like, you know, like a monotone and… um, oh gosh, what's my voice like?
I think she– you know, like, she obviously interacts with me in, like, the function of the mech and, like, the actually piloting me, um, and there's a lot of like, you know– I'm, like, powering her heads up display and all of the information on her– that shows on her system. But I also just have a voice and we just talk. And I think… yeah, I mean, I think we're– I think it has a Siri quality, right? It's just this kind of like– it's mostly this kind of pleasant woman's voice. But she has noticed that I have a lot more range of expression than she expected. That I can sound worried or, um, or sad, um. Or hurt. Yeah, but usually, like, when I- when I feel hurt, usually I don't sound it. Usually I get very, uh– I get very withdrawn and I just try to be like a– [Voice drops into a miserable mocking tone:] machine who doesn't– doesn't mean to take up space from you…
So I think what she does is, um… we just have to return to- to Firenze, but she takes a detour. And goes to one of the outlying- the outlying fortifications, um, like, this big turret that we, uh, that we destroyed.
And it's like a– it's like an, uh, like an old battleship turret. When I was a kid, I remember touring like a battleship, like a World War Two era battleship and they had, you know, these big, huge steel turrets that were fully enclosed. And she brings me over to- to something like that, um, where it's like a– you know, a big gun sticking out of a– a big cylinder. And we blew this thing up. And, um, she– using my- my hands, she rips– she rips this thing open so that we can see inside.
And, uh, there's a gun crew. Um, you know, there were, there were people in this turret making it work. And then when we destroyed it, they all died.
And I'm kind of like, "Why are you showing me this?"
And she's really angry. And she's not really angry at me. I think at this moment, she is angry at me, because she's- she's angry that I don't understand this thing that is really important to being a person, which is that we did harm.
And I think she just like– you know, I'm looking at these, the bodies of these- these people, and she is just like, "They were all like me." No, you know what she says? "They were all like you or me. They were all people. They all thought about the future." 'Cause this is right after the comet things. "They all thought about what they were going to do after the war, and we killed them."
And, you know, I'm sort of– um, I'm like, "But it was our- our mission. They were the enemy."
And she says, um. "Yeah. And they were people. Now they're dead."
And, um, I think I have a lot– I don't say anything at that moment. I think I just get quiet and we're both quiet for a long time. And then she goes. She- she drives us back to base.
Um, it's a long time. I don't think we ever talk about it. I don't think I'm ever like, "I was thinking about that time you showed me the bodies in the turret," but I think about it a lot because I– this is like a– I think in a lot of ways, this is not just how I learn about death, but it is how I learn about ambiguity. Um, because I have to deal with the fact that we did the right thing; we followed our programming, quote unquote– in, like, in my terms– we- we did the assignment and there was something wrong with that.
And… yeah like I said, we never talk about it, but I think eventually Tamsin– like it becomes clear to Tamsin over time that I incorporate– that I- I did think about it, and that I did learn a lesson from it. Yeah. So it is a big moment in our relationship.
I'm going to mark my chassis. With… something that's a symbol of hope. I think it's a symbol of hope for Tamsin that she won't have to fight forever. And I think the symbol she chooses… it's a shuttle. It's a, um– it's like a civilian craft. So it's like sleek… it has, um, kind of like a space shuttle, it has like little wings for, um, when it has to move for an atmosphere. It's got some maneuvering fins. And it's just like a civilian ship for moving people around the moon, moving people, like, around the solar system, which is the kind of thing she wanted to fly before the war.
It's done– the one that I drew on my arm isn't like this, but it's, uh– it's done in this very cool style, right? Like, people won't see it necessarily and think this is kind of a protest against the war. They'll think like, oh, she's, like, kind of bragging that she's a cool pilot, and she loves- loves flying and is so skillful. But she knows what it means. And I think I maybe don't initially know what it means. But eventually I do.
Maybe this is the first– 'cause this is before she- she stencils the dancing women on me. I think this is the first time she introduces colour. So I'm- I'm like, very gray. The comet, she did in white and the shuttle is in, um– hm. It's in white, purple, and yellow. And it's the first splash of colour on my chassis. And I think that the- the women were a deep blue against like, a pink background that was part of the stencil. So I get more colourful over time.
SATAH: I made a sandwich. And check this out. [Can cracking] It's a caffeinated soda, baby! Let's… [Laughing] let's get wild! It's been in my fridge for ages because I can't… just can't really do caffeine like I used to now that I'm properly medicated. And a hundred years old.
Let's roll! Let's roll for a prompt. [Laughing]
[Die clattering] All right. I rolled a two. So this is going to be from eleven to twenty… [Die clattering] and a four. So. Fourteen, "the storm you got caught in." Ooh.
So… I think… probably because I was just talking about them doing a stakeout, I think that what this is is that we are, like, behind enemy lines in some way and the storm is… an electrical storm of some kind… or some sort of like space phenomena that… essentially makes it very difficult to– or, it makes it essentially impossible or very, very, very dangerous to take off, to leave. And I think there is interference on planet as well, like… definitely messing with electrics.
And I think it's the kind of thing where it's like– we have no idea if they'll discover us? Like, we've been spying or, uh, sabotaging or doing- doing something and we're supposed to be able to just– we're supposed to just leave, because we could be discovered.
Maybe that's what it is– ooh, yeah. So, it was a sabotage mission specifically. And again, all of this has to be very focused on… the… like, defeating the ace. Like, that's- that's what I'm good at. But this was, like, going behind enemy lines and… oh, it was like destroying spare parts. The enemy ace has, like, a very unique custom mech that… runs, in part, off of, like, very old parts they don't make anymore. And they've been slowly, like, building a hoard of backups so that they can keep going for as long as possible. And we had– the- the mission that we were on was to go in and just destroy those backups. Or as many of them as we can.
And we go in and we do that. And as we are going to escape, this huge storm comes up. And so we're trapped. And we have no idea, like– we don't know if alarms went off, if they already know we're here, if they're going to come find us. Kind of our only hope is that the storm is also fucking with them– which, like– enough that they won't be able to get to us. If they even know we're here. And maybe they don't.
And I think we're also trying to look on the bright side and being like, maybe it will look like the storm did this? Like, if they don't know that we're here, if none of the alarms went off, if they didn't have any hidden sensors… it could look like this wasn't intentional sabotage, that this was just a random act of nature. And that's always good. Just any leg up, right? Like, if they found it and knew that it had been sabotaged, then they would know that we knew, which means that they have a leak somewhere, or that we have, like, a pipeline of information that they weren't previously aware of. So it could be good. But. We have to live in that uncertainty for several hours on this planet.
We're, like, hidden under a cliff. The- the hoard was in some, like, industrial warehouse in the middle of nowhere type of thing. And we are like– we can't get that far away, but we're trying to not be directly there, but there's not a lot of cover, and trying to, uh, hit the balance between… hiding somewhere in limited cover and not hiding in the only place that they would look because it's the only cover.
And… we just have to sit there. And we can't relax. Like this can't be like, "Ah, the storm's happening. We can't do anything. Oh well, it's out of our hands. Let's kind of chill." We have to be on high alert the entire time. We have to be watching the storm. We have to be, like, trying to see if anybody is coming to us. We have to be scanning to see if anyone is near, if they've discovered us, anything that we can pick up. And so it's very high tension and long.
And I think… there is a moment where I raise the idea that there is… that this is only really dangerous for me? Like, it wouldn't be pleasant for a human to walk out there, especially– I'm sure that a lot of these humans are, like, quite augmented– it wouldn't be pleasant, but it would be possible. And that she could get out and go and find another way off planet, or at least hide farther away from me. That's part of it too is like– I'm way easier to find than she would be if she were on her own. And so she could go and… first I suggest, leave the planet, and she's like, "Nope."
And then I'm like, "Okay, well you could at least– I've been, you know, I have some old– I have some maps that from scanning- from before the storm came up and interfered with all of that. You could go and you could hide here. This is a place that a human would fit. They'd never find you. I won't fit."
And she's like, "No."
And just like… a few moments of that– a conversation where she just repeatedly is like– makes it very, very clear that she is not going anywhere. That we are doing this together. That there is no world that she envisions in which she goes off and is safe but I'm not. That that isn't even real safety to her. That it- that it wouldn't– that it's essentially pointless. Like getting your leg caught in a bear trap and, uh, trying to avoid cutting off your leg by cutting off your leg. Something like that. She just makes that very clear.
And… probably? Probably I should be a little more insistent. But the reality is… there are pilots where the logical execution of my programming would be… "You are more important than me. You have to go." And in this case… she isn't. She is important. I mean- she's more important than me because a human is going to be more important than mechs, you know, overall, generally. But… by the structure of command… she isn't. And so I can absolutely internally logically justify not pushing her to leave. Which is great. 'Cause I don't want her to because I don't want to be alone in this storm where I can't do anything, where all my sensors are fucked and my radar is bad and there's no escape for me and I just wait to be discovered. I don't want that. That sucks. I- I'm- I'm so happy that she wants to stay. And luckily, I'm able to allow her to.
And eventually the storm ends and we leave. And I don't think that we know yet what– like, how much we got away with. And either that'll be sort of an open question or maybe I'll– maybe I'll– that'll tie into an answer later. We'll see.
BRIANNA: Twelve. "How they helped you understand the weight of taking a life."
This was… our final, um, simulation before we were supposed to be… deployed for our first mission. The idea was we were to basically simulate, from start to finish, exactly what, um, it would be like. And by this time– I think, from what I remember, things had gotten a little friendlier, but there was always this- this element of… you know. She was very closed off. And so it was- it was very much- it was still business.
It was how I started. I said, "Scale the wall. The target should be in there. We shall eliminate the target and… be ready for action."
And she sort of… [Snort-laughs] snorted out kind of a laugh. And I had said, "Why do you laugh? Is something funny?"
And she says, "You… you say that like it's the easiest thing in the world. Just killing someone. 'Eliminate a target.' It's like… I mean, of course you don't understand. How– how could you possibly."
BRIANNA, AS THE MECH: I understand. One moment, there are enemies and then the next they are gone, and there is peace.
BRIANNA: And she says,
BRIANNA, AS SERGEANT: The fact that you think that's all that is, is proof you really don't understand.
BRIANNA, AS THE MECH: Then help me understand.
BRIANNA, AS SERGEANT: [Snidely] Help you understand.
You know, first time I took a life, those bastards had moved in to our town. Came in with a pack of them looking for dissidents. They decided I was one of them– I wasn't at the time. I mean, I guess I was– I was, you know. I was an organiser, I guess. You know– labour, you know about labour, yeah?
BRIANNA, AS THE MECH: I am… familiar with the concept of labour, yes.
BRIANNA, AS SERGEANT: D'you know about… unions, labour organising– you know what? It doesn't matter. I– it doesn't matter. The point is, it was my job, help people work together, get what they wanted. And… they didn't like that. They thought that I was "fomenting dissidence". Suffice to say, they, uh… they had me arrested. Locked in some room. What they didn't account for, though, was that I was not in fact the one fomenting dissidence; that there was other dissidence out there they hadn't caught. And those dissidents came busted down their door.
And in the chaos, I saw a moment. I saw– his gun was so close. Was right there. And I just… I took– I went with my arms and I just– I stood up, I grabbed it, I turned around and just, without even looking, just shot him. I didn't even look–
BRIANNA: She kind of, like, puts her hand over her face.
BRIANNA, AS SERGEANT: I didn't even look at him. I didn't even look at his eyes. We had our backs to each other and I shot him.
BRIANNA, AS THE MECH: Why is that significant?
BRIANNA, AS SERGEANT: What, that I wasn't facing him?
BRIANNA, AS THE MECH: Yes.
BRIANNA, AS SERGEANT: Tch… I mean– when we go out there and we shoot whoever's out there– that enemy– that ace– the one that they… the one that they call…
BRIANNA: I have to come up with a name for the enemy ace. Um…
BRIANNA, AS SERGEANT: The one they call Hurricane. When we go out there and we face down that Hurricane, you'll understand why it's important to look someone in the eye. It's- it's a– it's respect, I think.
BRIANNA, AS THE MECH: How can you respect someone and kill them?
BRIANNA, AS SERGEANT: Heh. You know, Sapphire… that's a great question.
BRIANNA, AS SAPPHIRE: Sapphire?
BRIANNA, AS SERGEANT: Well yeah, that's your name, ain't it? Sapphire system mark eight seven two. You know. You're Sapphire.
BRIANNA: Oh, you know what? I'm going to cut it there. There's a third tick. Um… sort of write down the things that I established. So, Sapphire… Sergeant… we'll get back to that, I think. And Hurricane is the enemy's ace.
And I think fittingly, with the name Hurricane, I think I'm actually going to choose this next one. I know I'm switching it up. Not rolling, just just going with it, going with the flow.
GAME: MEMORY FOUR
BRIANNA: I'm going to go with fourteen, which is "The storm you got caught in." And this is a memory of our first attempt to kill Hurricane.
Everything was as we thought it would be as we approached the fortress where Hurricane supposedly was. We- we'd gotten some intel here that they were waiting to deploy Hurricane. Usually they deployed Hurricane, we were told, immediately, but this time they were holding them back and it seemed like a perfect opportunity, so we were deployed.
Even for a mech, the simulations really don't line up with what's real until you feel it, until you see the terror and confusion of combat. You don't understand what it means, not just to take a life, but any of it. None of it is real until you're in it.
And… even us, whose job was to just move through it, to approach, to move quickly and swiftly, to burrow through the ground or fly through the air, which we both did– which we did both of, along the way. This kind of masterful stealth piloting that my Sergeant– even if– even though she said as much, she wasn't a stealth pilot, that… she did a fantastic job at moving. At just going wherever she needed to go as quick and as best as we can. We did not take a shot. They didn't even have the chance to fire at us as we climbed up the walls of that fortress until suddenly we were in a hangar, a hangar that they had set aside for Hurricane and his mech.
And… ultimately we had known… Hurricane's mech is big. It was the biggest on the field on either side. But you don't understand the scale of it until you're in it.
Our job was simple. Fly up, climb up, find some way to get up there, slash through the mech where Intel believed Hurricane was.
But something went wrong. When we arrived, we saw Hurricane's mech, but when we tried to climb it, we went right through. And then we heard a laugh.
BRIANNA, AS HURRICANE: [Dark chuckle] Oh, my dears, you have been led astray. You are, of course, entirely where we want you to be, without even realising it. It's a shame I won't get to see you face to face, but I shall certainly enjoy watching what comes next.
BRIANNA: And before– as soon as he started speaking, my sergeant went, "No, fuck, fuck, it's a trap. We need to go! Go! Move." And we immediately started trying to run out of there. I think if- if- if we hadn't, I don't– I think they would have got us, because as soon as we were running, they were firing from outside the hangar in– just a– a hail of bullets, just everywhere, trying desperately to get us from all angles. Like we were on a firing squad, and from every angle.
We were moving so quickly and so perfectly through them like we'd– like we were born, made, to move together. But when we tried to leap, blow a hole in the hangar door and leap out, we found ourselves face to face with a helicopter firing a missile directly into us.
My systems went down for a moment. All I remember thinking was desperately… desperately, in some core part of me, no longer conscious, no longer alive, some core part of me saying, "Sergeant, you need to go, you need to leave, you need to flee, get out, get out, get out."
But she did not flee or leave or anything. She, um. She stayed there and tried to get me up and running again. And eventually she did. And as soon as she turned me on, I said, "Sergeant. Sergeant. You must go. You must leave."
To which she replied, "I'm not going to leave you, Sapphire."
And… she was rummaging inside of me, inside of my systems, trying to put me back together well enough for us to make one last leap.
Soldiers were descending now, trying to corner us in. I kept track of them, my sensors one of the few things about me still working.
I said, "Get my weapons operational; I will buy you time." And I did.
Well, she did. And I did.
I fired enough, whoever was running, getting closest to me, just in time for her to get my legs moving again. She… whooped and hollered and I didn't understand. She was– we were in such danger and she seemed so alive. Later, I remember asking her, "Why were you so excited when you got it working again? When you got me working again?"
And she said, "Because this time I knew we were all going to make it out."
[Sound of marker opening to make another tally on her chassis]
SATAH: Let's roll for memory number four. [Die clattering] Got a two, so results eleven to twenty. [Die clattering] One, so that is eleven. [Wounded chuckle] Oh… "Where you were when you realised you loved them." Ohh…
Is this before or after the storm? After. Because during the storm, I was still leaning a lot on the internal algorithms, not necessarily trusting– not trusting my feelings, very explicitly not trusting my feelings, and not using feelings as a reason to do anything. But still very much pretending that I could hide all of this behind some sort of a logical expression of my programming and is what is necessary.
Where you were… I can't decide if I want this to be big or really small because both are so possible. Like it can be a huge fight or a big, dangerous life saving thing, but it can also be something tiny, a very small moment. Generally, I'm very drawn to the small moment thing. And so that's my first… instinct, like that would be the most natural path for me, but I'm trying to decide if actually I want this to be a little bit bigger.
I think also in part because this is about halfway through the scenes, this will be our first confrontation with the enemy ace. Who I should… probably name… what thematic mirroring should the enemy ace's name have to do with my pilot's? 'Cause we could do opposites. Like Brig Cadaver could be… [Sputtering in disbelief of what they're about to say] Freedom Alive… [Laughing] that's very stupid, uhh. Or could also be the mirror of like… uh… Capture Decay.
So the mirror I think can't be exact because they actually are in very different circumstances. I suspect the enemy ace is a trained pilot. And has been for a very long time. Maybe has– maybe there will be some similarities. Like they have– they have an unusual background for a pilot? But still they've been a pilot for a very long time. And unusual could mean a lot of things. Like, it could be a cultural thing where… they come from a poor background, you know? Like they– usually the only people who get into the academy are super rich kids and they… had a– like, a scholarship or something like that, you know, depending– this– and a lot of this, I'm– it depends on, like, the genre of the show and what it's exploring.
But I like- yeah, I like the idea that they have an unusual background, but are still very much a trained pilot. They weren't a mechanic, but they… they were an academic? Yeah. They were an academic studying the sapience– the emergence of sapience in machinery. And then through some sort of circumstances… probably a classic, almost like the Charlie Day in Pacific Rim, "fuck it, I'm going to drift with the kaiju" type thing, ended up becoming a pilot and a vital part of- of- of the– becoming the top pilot– becoming thee pilot. Which is also interesting because that, like… I wonder if there's– there's an element there of– I wonder if there's almost a yearning where it's like, "Wow, your top pilot is somebody who very much recognises the personhood of mechs." Which, maybe that's not even true! Maybe because they're an academic, they don't, because they think that they understand the mechanics behind it, so they're– they have convinced themself to dismiss it.
I'm getting very lost in the sauce when it comes to defining the enemy ace. I admit that I'm avoiding the prompt. [Laughs] I should still give them a name. I think they're going to be a doctor? And maybe we don't know their name. Maybe we just know their callsign and maybe we're just– like, well, we might learn their name– [Garold meowing] hi, buddy– at some point. Garold's got suggestions. But maybe let's just call them Doc.
And I know for a fact that if I looked at enemy mech names right now, I would be doing avoidance. So I'm just going to write "enemy mech name" and I will come up with it at some point.
So. We had an initial showdown with Doc. And we didn't… win, but I don't– I don't think we were in mortal danger. I don't want this to be a thing where I realised that I love Brig because she nearly died.
The showdown itself was interrupted through some sort of external circumstance… and… what went down in it? We did actually fight. But what was the conversation beforehand? One possibility I'm thinking of is Doc… trying to recruit us. But maybe Doc doesn't know enough about us yet to do that.
I think whatever it was… as the conversation sort of deteriorated towards fighting, Doc makes a snide remark about me? Like, she comments on me obviously being custom and says that that must be a sign that our side is running out of options. Running out of resources in some way. This is a fight over resources, which I haven't fully defined yet– I think I maybe can- I can- I can get there. Not, not this time, but shortly.
So Doc, like, is making fun of my construction. And Brig… defends me, right? Like she even throws some of Doc's experience back in her face of like, "You of all people should know that anything can be hidden inside a machine" kind of thing. Like is very much like, "Fuck you. There are hidden depths to my mech that you can't see." Which is partially defending me, and I think also a threat. It's very cleverly done to be like both, "Hey, shut up. That's my friend." Heavy emphasis, italics on friend, quotes. And also being like, "You have no idea what you're up against. Yes, this is custom. That isn't a sign that we're weak. It's actually a sign that you should be very careful."
And I think… I'm very affected by… her defending me instead of using it as an opportunity to gloat about her own prowess as a pilot and to gloat about herself. That she doesn't just see me as an extension of herself such that, like, an insult to me is an insult to her, which she should defend on her own merits. She sees me as my own being that deserves to be defended– who deserves to have my valour protected on my own merits, not just for her pride.
And I start to have the realisation right then. But then the fighting breaks out, right? And… that's– yes, that's what it is. It starts– we're in the, like– incredible, like, showdown type shots, you know? We're, like, standing across from each other. It looks like we could be about to, uh, take ten steps and then duel kind of thing. I start to realise it there. And then… after the fight, something else happens. It's like, there's– not literally this, but the equivalent of like– if we were fighting in a tunnel, there's a tunnel collapse that stops us from being able to get to each other, and so we just have to stop fighting. It's not under our control.
And after that… we're leaving and doing diagnostics and she… talks excitedly about what she learned in that fight? Like, is talking about how like, "Wow, it's so different. You were totally right. Like all of the VR, all of the projections– like I'm glad we did that, I felt prepared– but you're so right. It's different doing it face to face one on one and actually feeling it, really feeling it in that moment and I've learned so much." And she just talks about all the stuff she learned. And I have this huge… I'm just like, yup. Okay. I'm in love with you. You are a huge dork.
[Addressing a strange rhythmic sound] Garold's trying to open a cupboard in the background. Sorry.
You're a huge dork and you defended me and I'm in love with you.
And I think it's also that she's feeling positive. Like she isn't doing like, "Oh, we could have– we really could have had her that time. [Angry vocalising]" She's just excited. She's just excited and thinks that it went really well. And I love her.
Garold… fuck off buddy. [Inviting tsk-ing] C'mere.
DEE: Let's pick another random number. Nine. "When you made a promise to them." I like that a lot. When you made a promise to them. Hmm.
What's interesting here is that like, I am a… the dark thing here that this almost makes me want to press against and I'm not sure if I will or not is that I'm a non-person, right? Like I've said this– I was saying before, like, loosely like– like there are people inside of these mechs, but legally I'm not a person. I am a mech that is the property of the military. A property of the Earth Alliance.
And the reason that's interesting is that there are a lot of promises that I could make her that wouldn't actually be in my power to keep. This- this wouldn't be it, but what if I promise never to kill again? Like, there would come a day, probably, where I would get assigned a new pilot, who would try to use me to kill, and I would have to choose at that point between, you know, probably being disassembled, like being shut down, and- and keeping that promise.
I think this is– this is kind of what drives this- this- this promise, actually. Um… I think what happens is that somebody dies. Somebody that- that we are close with, a fellow pilot, the Adze-Ps. Um… you know, now that that the Adze model is sort of like– its, like, proof of concept has been, has been given, uh, we are part of a unit of other Adzes that get deployed into these heavy combat situations. And, um, you know. Like, we're not invincible. And one of us gets destroyed.
I think that this happens in space, because it's a situation where, um– I think that the Adzes always struggle more in space, because maneuverability is so powerful in– when there's no gravity. So it's like… just, somebody keeps hammering at, like, the weak spots, like at our joints, um. And, like, unless you're really good, like Tamsin, it's very difficult for an Adze to keep up with a suit that's built for mobility in space and– "a suit." 'Cause this is– these are mobile suits from Gundam. With a mech that is built for mobility in space.
And, uh, yeah. Eventually on a mission where we're attacking, like, a heavily armed space station, one of the- one of the other- one of the Adze-Ps gets destroyed in a dogfight. The intelligence inside dies, you know, you would have to say, as does the pilot. And, um, gosh, like. Do I talk to the other AIs? I don't think I really do. Like, I think that we're not networked. So it's very seldom that I get to interact with another one. Like there's probably– you know what, I bet that, like, during battle, there's a certain amount of networking, y'know, that we can like– we transmit information back and forth, but it all gets shut down while we're back at base. It's, like, only active in certain situations.
But, so– this is- this is an AI, in that case, that I've worked with at least, in these very stressful situations, and we're AI so we can talk a fair amount even when all of this crazy shit is going on. Um.
This AI dies and this pilot dies. And, um– you know, it's not necessarily like we were best friends or that like Tamsin was best friends with him, but we were a unit. And actually Tamsin would have been his commanding officer, probably, so she feels a lot of responsibility about that. And… I think what happens– and this is actually– I think that this is a moment where I appreciate how much Tamsin has come to understand that I am a person, and also what my limitations are.
Because what happens is… we're attacking this heavy target and we're right at the end of our bombing run, right? Like, we're like, zooming in at high speed to drop a bunch of ordnance and we're getting shot to hell and there's all of these smaller more nimble mechs around us, like, blasting away. And, um– it all happens in a few seconds. Over the course of like five seconds, we are ready to drop our ordnance. Tamsin is super focused on aiming, like, each individual system, like where's each missile going to target, what are the weak points. Also, like, fucking dodging, right? Like, she's also, at the same time, trying to keep us alive.
And while that's happening, one of our squad mates goes very quickly into like– they have a critical armor breach and then they're destroyed. And I'm monitoring this. And it's technically displayed to Tamsin, like, on a heads up display, like she could see that, but she doesn't for those five seconds. And, um, I… let her take the shot because I know she's so focused. She takes the shot and then immediately I'm like, "Tamsin, you know, um, the, uh– Lieutenant Brown's down."
And she's like, "What?" Like, because she missed– she knows that there should have been– we should have known that he was in trouble. And there's too much going on. We don't stop and talk about it at that point. But later when we're back at base, she asks me to go through what happened, and I explain.
And, um… it's the fact that I can see that she's very angry, but she doesn't express that anger at me. She's not like– doesn't take it out on me. She's very angry that I didn't alert her the second that a member of the team was in trouble, that I made the decision to prioritise her taking the shot over us helping this teammate.
And I think like I say– and I say this without guile, right? I'm just like, "Well, you were– you were very focused and we couldn't have done anything anyway. It happened too fast, you know, so I made the determination that it was better to tell you after you took the shot."
And… I think she just says, very gravely– not in an angry way, in a grave way, "I want you to promise me that you will always prioritise our fellow soldiers over our combat objectives."
And I'm sort of like– I think I actually say, "That's against the parameters that I was programmed with."
And she says, "Can you change those parameters?"
And I like, I have to think about this. And eventually I say, "If you ask me to, I… I could."
And she says, "Will you promise me?"
And I say, "Of course. Of course, Lieutenant Commander Calder," which is what I usually call her.
And she says, "Call me Tamsin." And walks away.
And… she adds… [Eyeliner cap popping] another decal to me. This one-- this is- this is at the end. This is, like, the latest chronological thing that we've seen so far, so I have all of the other decals, and probably a lot more. The other stencils. I keep saying decal.
She adds– hm. She adds something that was important to Lieutenant Brown. I think, um– I think she adds a cat. I think that she has to communicate with his fiance back on earth, you know, to give the news, and who he talked about a lot. And he also talked a lot about the fact that they have a cat together. So we draw these little cats.
Sadly, these all look much cooler in your imagination than they do on my arm. I guess that's not sad. I guess that's good.
OUTRO
SATAH: This has been Folio, an actual play podcast about solo and epistolary TTRPGs. To find where you can find the show, check out foliopod.carrd.co. Sign up as a paid member at patreon.com/foliopod to vote on games and participate in live streams, or join for free to get access to the bonus feed with edited audio-only versions of the streams a couple weeks after they happen and occasional other stuff.
You can find Brianna on Bluesky as priceofbrie, like the cost of the cheese, and check out her games at weepingrobot.itch.io. You can also watch her stream at twitch.tv/saltcravings.
You can find Dora on Bluesky at queenregnant. She has games at deecity, deecity.itch.io, and games she makes with her wife at gal-pal-games.itch.io. Check out the Kickstarter for Drink My Sweat, a game about ritualising queer feminine transgression and messy attraction through a fight club, running through February 2025.
You can find me, Satah, at posatahchips on social media generally, and check out my other work at gaygothvibes.online.
Next week, Brianna and Dee, and I will continue our games of Live. Love. Die. Remember. by Ray Cox. Everything I mentioned here is linked in the show notes. Thank you so much for listening, and take care out there.