TRAGEDY DECKARD Hey there and welcome to another episode of "What’s on the Menu!” SASHIRO MINAGAWA We have some heart-stopping news about Darkness Falls' newest resident. HIRO AKASHI I haven’t met him in person yet, but Black has uttered a few colorful things. JACQUES MOTHMAN Mais raconte! I am dying to know more about this new mystery man. From what I have been told, his body must be delicious. SASHIRO MINAGAWA He is easy on the eyes. I walked past him after leaving Causes and Solutions Liquor Store, and noticed him exiting Dullahans Doughnuts laughing to himself. TRAGEDY DECKARD He was probably bragging about who he is. SASHIRO MINAGAWA Ohohoh, it sounds like you know this Uri. What are you hiding from us? HIRO AKASHI If you spill then I can figure out if Ren is just being Ren or is he telling the truth? TRAGEDY DECKARD Are you sure you really want to know? I mean, I would hate for my opinion to sway you at all. JACQUES MOTHMAN Mon cherie, you must be kidding. You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t have the gift to gossip. SASHIRO MINAGAWA Tragedy, Don’t make me come over there. I have ways to make you talk! HIRO AKASHI How about I let you know what Ren has said and you can confirm or deny them. TRAGEDY DECKARD Fine, I’ll do it. I mean if you're going to twist my arm over it. Ya, I’m looking at you SASHIRO. SASHIRO MINAGAWA I deny nothing. JACQUES MOTHMAN This guy just gets more interesting. He seems shrouded in darkness. I am attracted to the dark. SASHIRO MINAGAWA And how is that eh? You are literally part moth! JACQUES MOTHMAN How dare you! The light shines brightest in the dark. HIRO AKASHI I mean you’re not wrong, but how long do you have to be in the dark to find that light? TRAGEDY DECKARD (Laughs) I think I see where this is going. Did the Lonely Hearts speed dating leave you in the dark? SASHIRO MINAGAWA What is wrong with you? You are still doing that? I told you I could introduce you to a professional, and I can find you a husband or two if you like. Do you doubt me? I’ll show you! JACQUES MOTHMAN Sashiro, I told you I trust you. I’m just shy. HIRO AKASHI How can you be shy if you go on speed dating? TRAGEDY DECKARD You can tell us, JACQUES. Do you love lamp? I’ve seen some nice ones at the Dark Lantern. JACQUES MOTHMAN How dare you! You know I kicked that habit. SASHIRO MINAGAWA Oh, what is that? Tragedy! What were you doing there? You are married! HIRO AKASHI Knowing you and Drezz, it was probably some kind of strange bedroom play. TRAGEDY DECKARD Hey! How did this turn once again to my sex life? JACQUES MOTHMAN To be fair you have some kinky nights, days, public places… Oh ma cherie, I could go on and on and on…. HIRO AKASHI Public places! Where are you getting away with that? SASHIRO MINAGAWA You never told me this. Why are you holding out on me? TRAGEDY DECKARD I’m not holding out on you SASHIRO, and you, JACQUES, better stuff it. Besides, how would you know the places where we do it? JACQUES MOTHMAN I mean you can’t keep your hands off each other. TRAGEDY DECKARD But, We are still newlyweds! HIRO AKASHI How long have you been married? JACQUES MOTHMAN It’s been what… almost 50 years. Shouldn’t the honeymoon phase be over by now? HIRO AKASHI Fifty years! God, I hope Black and I are still going at it like that in 50 years. TRAGEDY DECKARD His true feelings are emerging! Seems like there has been a little secret Hiro’s been hiding. SASHIRO MINAGAWA You didn’t! Did you and Black finally, you know take the plunge? HIRO AKASHI Hey… I never said that… Look, I can’t say anything here. I mean, Black would kill me if I did. [Simon from the sound booth chimes in.] SIMON Akashi, I have Black on line 1, and Tragedy, I have your husband on line 2. Who should I patch in first? TRAGEDY I’M GONNA NOPE RIGHT OUT OF HERE. [Tragedy and Akashi run out.] HIRO AKASHI WAIT FOR ME! JACQUES MOTHMAN Look at them, they are running for the light! Like a moth to a flame. SASHIRO MINAGAWA Get back here you cowards! JACQUES MOTHMAN They exited stage left. If their respective partners hurry they should catch them before they leave. SASHIRO MINAGAWA Well, I guess that is it for the night. Wait, who were we talking about when this show started? JACQUES MOTHMAN Good question. I believe it was Uri. SASHIRO MINAGAWA Right right. Argh and now we are out of time. What am I going to do with them? We will get to the bottom of who’s the bottom with Uri in our next episode.