I don't love you
(August 1997)

Thank you, Michael: just put everything on the table. You are very kind.
Won't you offer me something?
I don't know if you realize it, but it's almost eight o'clock. You've never come to me this late. I understand that you only did it to bring me groceries and I'm grateful, but I don't want to keep you any longer: you'll have to go out with Laura. Go ahead, don't keep her waiting.
Nobody's waiting for me: I said I was going to Caprera. And then Laura isn't well.
What's wrong with her?
I'm a little worried: the x-rays show a lump in her breast. We are waiting for the biopsy results.
Oh no, poor girl: I'm sorry, I hope it's nothing serious. But why aren't you keeping her company?
She preferred to stay home with her family. She is a little shaken, understandably, she doesn't want to see anyone.
Stay close to her, Michael.
That's what I intend to do.
I feel guilty: you lied to her and your parents to come and bring me the groceries.
It's not your fault. It's been a long time since we've seen each other, I wanted to have the whole evening for the three of us.
For me and the baby? But then why did you dress like that?
I've been dressing like this all the time lately, Antonia.
I find that strange, Michael. And it's also strange that you tell a lie.
It's just a half-lie: tomorrow night I'm going to Caprera for real, with Frédéric. We also have a weekend planned in the mountains, in the Deux Alpes.
A weekend with whom?
With Frédéric, don't you remember him?
Of course I remember. But why Frédéric?
So: we're friends, right?
But why are you going to the mountains with Frédéric? Does that seem normal to you?
Why shouldn't it be normal, excuse me? Since he got married I don't see him much, he's almost always in Switzerland with his countess; so when he happens to be around here I take advantage of it to go skiing, play tennis or bridge. What's wrong? Do you have something against him?
No, nothing.
So what?
Do you remember when I told you that you're too positive to see the negativity in others?
Of course I remember. Why?
Nothing, you can't understand.
I trust your intuition.
Heh, let's call it intuition. Maybe one day I can explain.


We'll have time for explanations. But aren't you eating? I'd take you out to dinner, but you have to stay home with the baby.
Yes, I'm eating now. I have to prepare something, I don't have anything ready. I think I'll make myself a soup with the vegetables from the garden that I picked today.
A soup? I love soup.
Really? Since when?
I've always liked it. If you want I'll keep you company and help you prepare it: I have a special recipe.
But I have no second course.


Do you have any leftover pasta and eggs?
Yes, I have.
So let's prepare the pasta omelette: it's delicious.
Since when do you know how to make an omelette?
I haven't always been a career manager, Antonia: it may seem strange to you, but there was also a time when I was a child. As a child, I often wandered around the kitchen when Grandma Carlotta was cooking.
It's hard to imagine you as a child.
Yes, I know: everyone tells me that, and I don't like it at all. In our house the child has always been Emmanuel, as if no one remembered that I was little too. In a certain sense they always took it for granted that I needed to grow up quickly, as if my childhood was just a useless waste of time.
I'm sorry, Michael: only now do I realize how many things I don't know about you.
It's not easy to know them, I'm used to hiding them well.
I liked helping Grandma in the kitchen, and in the meantime I learned a lot of things. She was an old-fashioned woman, one of those who never throw anything away and recycle leftovers in a brilliant way; she always told me that to eat like a king, all you need is some leftover pasta and a few eggs, if you know what to do with them. So trust me, I won't disappoint you. In the meantime, let's have an aperitif.
I don't have any aperitifs in the fridge.
Surprise!
A bottle of Dom Perignon? You're crazy, Michael, it must have cost you a fortune.
There was a discount, I took advantage of it. I shake it and pop the cap.
Be careful not to hit the cat!
Cheers, Antonia.
…
The dinner was great: you were very good.
Thanks to Grandma Carlotta. Now let's wash the dishes and go to bed.
Would you do me a favor? While I wash the dishes, could you go to the baby's room and spend some time with him? I'm always anxious when I leave him alone.
I'll go right away. But then you'll join us.
I'll hurry, there are very few dishes to wash.
That long red and white checked shirt looks good on you.
Do you think so? Don't I look like a walking kitchen towel?
No. You just have to take off the label that's hanging on the back.
Oh god, I didn't take it off?
Um, no.
So today, when I went out with the stroller, I had the label hanging off the back?
I suppose so. It's typical of your absent-mindedness, Antonia. No problem: give me the scissors, I'll take it off.


…
Here I am, I'm done.
Could you bring me some champagne up to the room? I'm still a little thirsty.
Sure. I'll take the bottle and two glasses.
There's a book on the nightstand: what are you reading?
St. Augustine, the Confessions. I reread them directly in Latin, I love his style.
Are you planning on going back to college?
I don't know yet, Michael.
You should: you were very good.
They don't pay enough; I'll have to decide to teach.
You don't like teaching.
It's the only thing I know how to do.
You can think about it calmly: as long as I'm there to provide for you two, you don't need to work. Will you keep me company with champagne?
I can't keep taking advantage of you, Michael. Champagne, yes, please.
Honestly, Antonia, I wish you would dedicate yourself to your studies again: I was happy when you wrote those complicated articles with all those absurd names. I, with my accountant mentality, felt completely left out, but I liked watching you while you were completely immersed in your books.
For me it was like being among old friends. How this champagne fizzes! The bubbles tickle my nose.
Why are you laughing?
So, I don't know, maybe the tickling. It all feels very strange right now, though…
Though?
Michael, help: I'm falling!
What's wrong?
I feel dizzy.
And does this make you laugh?
Yes, I don't know why. I know it's not the right time, especially since you're worried about Laura. But it's all so strange and funny... Sorry, Michael, I don't know what's wrong with me.
You're just tired, you laugh to release the nervous tension. Don't just stand there, lie down here on the bed next to us: with a good sleep everything goes away.
Yes, thank you. But who is here, the baby? Did you put him in the big bed?
Yes: we waited for you for a while, we changed his wet diaper and then he fell asleep here. So when I go away, you are not alone.
It's already very late, Michael, don't you think that...
What, Antonia?
You must be tired too, maybe it would be better if you stayed and slept with us.
Yes, you are right, maybe it is better. Do you have a sofa bed? 
No, I only have this bed. 
So? 
So what? 
You don't want me to sleep on the carpet. 
Of course not: you sleep here, in bed. 
In bed with you? No way, Antonia. What is it? What are these tears? 
I have no place for you to sleep. This house is small, although very nice: there is only one bedroom, apart from the child's room. I need to buy a sofa bed, but I don't have the money. Go back to your villa, thanks for visiting... 
We'll buy the sofa bed. Listen, if you want I'll stop here: I sleep dressed, I promise I'll keep my hands to myself. 
It's certainly not a big effort for you. 
Why do you say this? 
Because I'm sloppy and ugly.
Oh no no Antonia: you're just in home version, let's say. Now why are you laughing again? 
I don't know, it's incredibly funny to think that I'm a walking checked tablecloth and instead my ex-husband has become horny: I never thought this could happen, never, ever!

Not yet ex. Horny in what sense?
Are you kidding me? You show up here with your ponytail, your earring, your bracelet, your skinny jeans, your Gant shirt, your black leather jacket, your Ray-Bans, all smelling good and tanned: fuck Michael, don't tell me you don't know the effect you have on a woman.
Since when do you say fuck?
Since I got drunk. It brings up so many things for me.
My brother's phraseology, I'd say. Anyway, they're not Ray-Bans, they're Persols.
Worse still, they are more elegant. You never did it with me, not even in the early days: you were always in a jacket and tie, at most a sweater and corduroy pants. Now why do you show up like this? Do you do it to humiliate me who have become fat and have a dangling label?
Don't cry, come on: I don't want to humiliate you at all. And then we removed the label.
Instead, yes, it is humiliating.
Oh no, how humiliating… Come on, what can I do to cheer you up?
Maybe a massage. You're good at giving massages.
You forget that Laura is here now.
Don't make excuses: there's not only Laura, there are also the others. Do you think I'm stupid? It's not just because of the move that you haven't shown up, do you think I haven't understood? Two months of moving, sure, of course: and you do the moving with the bracelet, the earring and the Kingsman jacquard silk tie. You must have moved a lot of furniture, to get all those muscles. What's more, you tell me that you can have sex with whoever you want: for you it's like riding a bicycle, right? But with me you don't even try, you don't even want to sleep with me. The truth is that you don't like me anymore: at least admit it.
Antonia, I don't know how to tell you...
Don't tell me, really, you would offend me too much. You're right, I've become ugly, but if you turn off the light you can't see it.
So I leave it on, for two very good reasons: first, you haven't become ugly at all; second, if you need a massage I'll have to see what I do. Now I take the baby back to his room: poor little thing, he sleeps like a log. The cat has gotten into the crib, as usual.
Our Gino is a great cat.
Is his name Gino?
Yes, that's the name Emmanuel gave him.
There you go, baby and cat settled. Now lean your back against the pillow and let me unbutton your nightgown. It's a little wet with milk, that makes it more interesting.
Didn't you say you can have sex on command?
No, Antonia, not with you. Sorry, you'll have to settle for the massage. I'll get the cream, let's put on some relaxing background music too.
What is it?
Oh my lover. It's from a few years ago, I don't think you know it. It's about a person who looks like you.
How does she look like me?
Then I'll explain it to you. Now let go, you're too tense.
This music doesn't seem relaxing to me at all, quite the opposite: I find it exciting. But since when do you care about this kind of music?
For a while.
Are you sure it's you? Did they replace you with a lookalike?
Let me think: yes, you are right, I must be my lookalike. Later I will talk about it with my alter ego and try to understand which of the two is the real one.
As in Plautus' Amphitryon?
Yes, exactly.
Seriously Michael, what's happening to you?
Antonia, you may not have realized this, but I have had a few sleepless nights in the last few months and I have had a lot of time to think. My brother's room was open and his records were on the shelf. Relax, don't tense your muscles like that.
So have you listened to his records?
Yes, I listened to some of them, just to realize who my brother is.
And did you understand?
No.
Can I let your hair down?
Certain.
Oh my God, Michael, you are so sexy…
It's that you're drunk, Antonia. Stay down, don't think about anything. Hold your hands still! Let's massage this little belly well: after a pregnancy and a birth it deserves it.
Sorry, I'm wearing some really terrible white underpants, I didn't think to change them.
We're not here to have sex. And then I find them very intriguing, in their chastity.
Michael, that's not the belly though.
Of course it's the belly. Now turn around, it's the back's turn.
But that's not the back.
Why not? The edge of the back. Relax, little sister.
What did you call me?
Nothing, relax.
How can I relax? Can I unbutton your shirt?
No. Don't distract me. You're too tense, lie down again.
How do you unbuckle this belt?
Hands off the massager! Breathe deeply, close your eyes and visualize an isosceles triangle.
You're crazy, Michael: you're just like your brother, you two Kellermanns are crazy!
It's about time you realized that, Antonia.
But you are crazy with a crazier kind of madness.
A crazier kind of madness: an interesting concept, worthy of further study.
Yes, but not now that I'm drunk. Are you sure we can't do that?
Absolutely sure. Open your arms, like this, palms up.
Strange, because it seems to me we're already doing it.
It's just your imagination, Antonia. Now bend your knees and spread your thighs.

…

You know what I was thinking?
No, tell me.
That if all this hadn't happened I would never have discovered that you can live well even without the villa on the hill, with the soup from the garden and my brother's cat. I was lucky to discover it.
That's nice of you, Michael, but you belong to another world and you can't abandon it; it wouldn't be fair and I wouldn't allow it: it's your world.
I have no intention of abandoning it, also because I can't leave my father and mother alone. And not even Laura, especially at this time.
Yes, you have to be close to her. She is the right girl for you: I was the one who was out of place. Your parents must be wondering what you are waiting for to divorce.
My parents need to learn not to poke their noses into matters that don't concern them. I'm in no hurry to divorce.
Me neither, but it would be logical.
We'll see. Not yet.
As you wish, Michael.
Ultimately, if you think about it, the solution was simple: just reverse the roles.
In what sense?
In the sense that now the official woman is Laura and the clandestine one is you.
What would it be like to reverse the roles? Was Laura your clandestine woman before?
No, but she would have liked to be.
She has always been in love with you. After all, she was only fifteen when you were together, it was impossible for her to forget you.
She tried it on with me several times even when we were dating, you know? And even after.
And you're only telling me this now?
Once I found her in my bed after a party.
Oh, there you go. And of course you took advantage of it.
No, I didn't take advantage of it: it wasn't the right time, you had just left.
I had just left and you were partying?
Not me, my parents: it was their wedding anniversary.
Got it. And the other women?
There are no other women.
I can't believe you.
I'm honest. It makes me laugh, you know?
Why?
It's not every day that you invent a pretext to cheat on your lover with your wife. Funny, right?
Funny, yes, but that's not right: I'm your lover now. It's the perfect role for me, I much prefer it to that of wife.
How can you be so childish, Antonia? It seems like you enjoy it.
I'm happy, Kellermann: happiness makes you a child again.
Are you really happy? Don't you miss my brother?
I will miss your brother forever, you know that.
This should give you some food for thought, Antonia, don't you think?
No, I don't think so. There's no point in thinking about it. Luckily I have his son, it's a bit like having him back.
If I may, it's not exactly the same thing. Anyway, I miss him too, it's been too long since I've seen him.
Let's not think about that now, let's focus on our role: tell me I'm your secret lover.
Yes, you are my wife and my secret lover.
Why don't you marry Laura? Your parents would be happy and she would be over the moon with joy. I would be content with my new role.
Antonia, listen to me: I respect your point of view, but you have to come to terms with it. Sooner or later I will have to clarify with my parents and with her too.
What do you mean?
I love Laura, but she is not the woman of my life. I will stay by her side as long as she needs me, but that doesn't change things.
I'm not the woman of your life either, Michael: I've demonstrated all too well that I'm not.
Maybe. I'll wait until the day I can meet her, this phantom woman of my life, but until then I'll never marry again.
As you prefer. But you can come visit me whenever you want: we are well hidden here.
Like two kids in a barn.
Yes. So everything is fine.
You should know one thing, though: I'm used to giving expensive gifts to my lovers.
Your lovers?
Yes, I say in general: at this moment I have only one, and that is you. I fear that you will be forced to accept my gifts. Open this box.
Michael, are you crazy? This bracelet is a dream!
Put it on, come on.
But these are diamonds, they are not suitable for me… Look, my hands are so ugly, all ruined by the laundry, I don't even have nail polish. And then I wouldn't even know where to keep it: I don't have a safe.
Let's do this: you will wear it only when you are with me. Then we will keep it safe, I will take care of it. Now put it on, Antonia, please.
Michael, I would like to make it clear that I am not for sale: you can make love to me as many times as you want, there is no need to pay me. Thank you for this gift, it is wonderful, but I cannot accept it.
I'm not buying you, Antonia: I'm just getting you used to your new role as lover.
It's not easy, even though that's what I want.
Why?
It bothers me a little to think that you have sex with other women too. I know it's inevitable, but please, don't talk to me about it anymore: do what you want with whoever you want, just don't talk to me about it.
Okay, I won't tell you about it anymore.
The only thing I ask is that you don't leave me alone.
I won't leave you alone, Antonia: I'm fighting against the whole world to be with you. I'm fighting against you above all: you are your own worst enemy.
I know.
I was completely taken aback, believe me: it took me several months to regain control of the situation. I had to accept the logic of madness, because you are all crazy, Antonia, from the first to the last: I couldn't be the only sane one. I never thought of being with two women: but if I have to be with someone else to stay by your side, I will do it. I'm already doing it.
I don't love you, Kellermann.
I know: everything would have been easier if you had loved me, but like this I'm forced to make do as best I can.
I don't love you, Kellermann: I adore you.
Luckily I don't love you either, otherwise it would be a problem for me to be with another woman.
Do you have to get up early tomorrow?
Sorry, what do you mean I adore you?
What time do you have to get up?
I have to be in Caselle at seven, I have an appointment in Frankfurt. But it doesn't matter, I don't care.
Then let’s do it again, Michael. Please, will you put your shirt and tie back on? I like watching you undress.
I don't understand, Antonia: you've never been so hot, or at least not with me. Little crisis of nymphomania or did you miss me?
I missed you so much, I didn't know how to tell you; I filled the void as best I could, but it was humiliating, believe me.
I believe you.	
And you're incredibly attractive, too: how did I not notice that before?
It's just that you've always been very distracted, love.
Listen to my proposal, if you like: now we'll do it again, then you sleep a little, then we'll do it again, then you sleep again and so on.
And we go on like this all night?
Yes, all night long.
Tomorrow I'll be completely dazed, but never mind. But now, if you want me to put my shirt and tie back on, put on this bracelet.
Is this blackmail?
In full compliance.
All right. It's beautiful, but look how it clashes with my hands: they look like those of a washerwoman.
We'll also think about the manicure. Here we go: now untie my tie and unbutton my shirt.
What's happening to me? I feel all weird…
I see it.
It must be this perfume... what perfume is it?
Bergamot, pepper, sandalwood etc. etc.
It drives me crazy.
You really are a bit of a nymphomaniac, you know, love? It's better that you take your nymphomania out on me. Consider me your safety net.
Yes, Michael, it is better, much better. The net is working very well. Thanks for being there.
I told you I would find a solution, Antonia.

Game, set and match, Mr. Kellermann.