[Shiloh breathing in and out intentionally] SHILOH: I breathe in stillness and breathe out anxiety. My patience makes me calm. I can do hard things. BREN: Shiloh? SHILOH: My patience makes me— BREN: You don’t wanna be late your first day. SHILOH: It’s all good. My patience helps those around me to be calm. BREN: You really cannot fuck up the job this time. You promised. You need this job. We need this job. SHILOH: Don’t fuck it up. We need this job. BREN: You taking this seriously? SHILOH: Could you legit cut me some slack? BREN: Hey, just a friendly reminder not to lose your shit again. Here, packed your lunch. SHILOH: Thanks. Is this your way of getting me into the right head space? ‘Cause— BREN: —I am stressed, Shiloh. Interest on our mortgage for this glorified closet is killing us. I can’t shoulder it all. SHILOH: You won’t have to, Babe, I’m gonna crush it as a tour guide. BREN: I know. It’s just, you can be very… outspoken. SHILOH: And… that’s a desirable trait for a tour guide? BREN: You know what I mean. I’m saying, sometimes you have to go along to get along. Okay? SHILOH: Bren, this company really seems to get me. They were, like, captivated by my suggestions during training — which I nailed. And super supportive of me not just as an employee but as a whole person. Anyway, at my last job they hated people with disabilities. My technical skills were fine. BREN: Your boss touched the corner of your wheelchair and you told her to lay the fuck off. SHILOH: It was not her first time! BREN: Okay, Shy, we came this close to losing this place until I took extra shifts at the hospital and it nearly burned me out. SHILOH: I know. BREN: It was awful. I really need for you to take this adulting seriously. SHILOH: Trust me on this, ‘kay? I got this. BREN: Truly? C’mere, one for good luck. [They hug and smooch] SHILOH: See why I love you? BREN: So let’s focus, yeah? First day of your new job, and first day of the rest of our lives. Bus pass? SHILOH: Left pocket. BREN: Phone? SHILOH: Right here. BREN: Water bottle? SHILOH: Backpack, locked compartment. BREN: Keys? SHILOH: All set. I’ma bounce now. BREN: You can do hard things. SHILOH: Cool beans, I know it. BREN: Don’t forget your gloves. SHILOH: Wanna walk me to the elevator and press the button for me? BREN: Funny. Hey, you got this. SHILOH: It’s what I’m telling you. Bye! [Door opens & closes; Shiloh rolls her wheelchair into the hallway and the elevator dings as she arrives] SHILOH: Awesome! - HUGH: Honey, have you seen my voice amplifier? I think I left it on the couch last night. BECKY: Here you go. HUGH: You’re the best. Oh, nearly forgot, got something for you. BECKY: Aw, sweet, “Book of 50 Fun Dates”. I love it but— HUGH: Gotta respect date night. BECKY: Hope there’s a lot of ideas that don’t cost much. HUGH: Are we stressing about the renoviction? BECKY: I had that falling dream again. HUGH: We’ll be fine. BECKY: But where’ll we go? Right now I can walk to work. Am I gonna have to commute for two hours every day just to get to work? Just to have a place to live? HUGH: Becks, look: I’m asking for a raise today. BECKY: Seriously? That's amazing but…what if— HUGH: —I’m going in early, Helen’s expecting me. It’s gonna be hard for us to find a new place in this city on what we’re bringing in. More money, softer landing. Tourists are flocking to Vancouver. Company’s expanding. We’re hiring new people. It’s as good a time as any. BECKY: Hope so, Hugh. HUGH: Hey aren’t you going to be late? BECKY: Hybrid day. Gonna work from home as long as we have one. Got your phone? HUGH: Jacket pocket. BECKY: Water bottle. HUGH: Backpack. Okay, on my way, one for good luck. [They kiss] BECKY: You got this! [Door opens and closes] [Traffic sounds as Shiloh makes her way to work] SHILOH: (singing) Go to work, do do do do do do, go to work girl…do do do do do do —ooh, it’s way early, gonna look like a basic noob if I get there this ahead of time. Gonna get that coffee, coffee — And say hey to my favourite barista. BARISTA: Hey, Shiloh, your usual? SHILOH: Thanks, Jay, and lemme pick one up for my new boss. Guess who’s starting a new job today? BARISTA: Sick. SHILOH: Cream and sugar in the bag, please. And put the lid tightly, as usual, thanks. [Payment beeps] BARISTA: Always! SHILOH: Awesome. Byeee! [Doors open and close. Traffic sounds as Shiloh goes to work.] SHILOH: Kay ‘kay, tons of time, I can make this green light, just over the curb cut and across the street…and construction sign blocking this curb cut. Down you go. [Clatter] Past this… uh oh, sign in front of the skytrain elevator… again. “The elevator at the skytrain is broken”. Well, that blows. “Please call the TransLink line at this number”. [Dial tone.] TRANSLINK OPERATOR: This is TransLink, how can I help you? SHILOH: Hey. The elevator is broken at Olympic Village station.  What’s the most wheelchair accessible way to get to Yaletown Roundhouse?   TRANSLINK OPERATOR: You could take the #15 Cambie to Broadway/City Hall. SHILOH: But that’s backtracking and it’ll make me late. TRANSLINK OPERATOR: Oh, um... SHILOH: Aargh. [Phone hangs up] SHILOH: Deep breaths. My patience makes me calm. Number 23 bus. Instead of the Canada Line. No problem, it’s just another block. Let’s go, let’s go. ‘Scuse me, on your left! STRANGER ON STREET: Hey, do you have a license for that thing? SHILOH: Original! Half a block and. Yeah, perf, perf, perf… Power, power. All good. Yes. Made it. [Bus pulls up.] SHILOH: Yay, great timing. Just. Hey, people, sorry, lemme through? Driver needs to see me to release the ramp. Thank you, awesome, thank you. Excuse me, driver, I need the ramp lowered please. DRIVER: Sorry, accessible spots are occupied. Next bus in 12 minutes. SHILOH: Ugh. Fuck. DRIVER: Move aside please. SHILOH: Dammit. My patience makes me calm. I can do hard things. No worries, I’ll wait for the next bus. Only. If the next one doesn’t have an accessible spot, I’ll have to wait another 12 minutes and then… might make it on time, might…“You don’t wanna be late your first day, Shiloh”. “No Bren, I don’t. I really don’t.” That’s it, gonna do this on my own steam. Excuse me, comin’ through the other way. LITTLE GIRL: Mommy, why is that lady in a wheelchair? MOM: The wheelchair helps her to get around, peanut. LITTLE GIRL: But why? Why are you in a wheelchair? MOM: Peanut—Sorry, my daughter is very curious. SHILOH: No worries. MOM: You don’t have to be her teachable moment. SHILOH: Yeah, no problem. Hey, what’s your name? LITTLE GIRL: Jessica. SHILOH: Well, Jessica, the wheelchair helps me to go places because my legs don’t work the way yours do. LITTLE GIRL: Are you sad to be in a wheelchair? SHILOH: No, no, Jessica. Wheelchairs are awesome. Without one I’d be stuck at home but with one, I’ve got freedom. I’m going to work today and — LITTLE GIRL: But how do you get into it? SHILOH: See my arms? They’re strong, and I just lift myself onto my wheelchair and out of it whenever I need to. LITTLE GIRL: Do you sleep in your wheelchair? MOM: Peanut— SHILOH: It’s okay. I sleep in a bed, just like you do, Jessica. Okay, gotta fly— LITTLE GIRL: But how do you go to the bathroom? MOM: That’s enough. SHILOH: I use bathrooms that have been specially designed for people like me. Very nice to meet you both— MOM: That was very kind of you. LITTLE GIRL: Were you born in a wheelchair? SHILOH: And I came out wheels first, haha. No, Jessica, I was born same as you but I have a condition that impacts my legs. Sorry, really have to be on my way. The elevator to the Skytrain was broken and I missed the bus so cheeeeeeers! LITTLE GIRL: She’s fast! LITTLE GIRL’S MOM: Thank you! SHILOH: Hustle hustle hustle or I’m gonna be late. Late late late, for a very important date. No time to wait. ANOTHER STRANGER ON STREET: Hey, do you have a licence for that thing? SHILOH: For real? My patience makes me calm. I can do hard things. No time to be your teachable moment cause I’m late I’m late I’m late— [Speed bump and coffee spills.] Oh shit, the coffee! Aaargh! [Office din] HUGH: The customers love me, Helen. I get the best ratings — my reviews make it evident I’m bringing in business. I love guiding tours, I’ve been here the longest, business is up, and what I’m saying is, I’d like the company to recognize what I bring to the table. HELEN: A raise isn’t out of the question. HUGH: All I ask is for a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy. HELEN: It’s not every tour guide who gets repeat customers. Our older demographic especially, they love you. HUGH: I tell them they don’t have gray hairs, just wisdom highlights. HELEN: Your ratings are solid. No major screw-ups, just that one time two years ago— HUGH: Can’t wave a magic wand and fix traffic congestion. HELEN: You do keep tours on schedule, most of the time; folks even tell us they’ve learned something while having a blast.. HUGH: Appreciate the validation, Helen. HELEN: Look, Hugh, we’re unable to offer you a raise in your current position— HUGH: Meaning…? HELEN: Moving up means stepping into a managerial role. HUGH: Yes! I’m up for that. Absolutely. HELEN: If you’re willing to take on management duties in addition to leading tours for the next while, then frankly, you’re a solid candidate. We believe in hiring internally. Especially candidates who demonstrate leadership material. HUGH: Fantastic. HELEN: We’ve also had several new tour guides start this month. One in particular, could be promising. Fresh energy, quick to absorb our materials in training, also has crisp, progressive new take on city sites. Could be a real asset. Well, could go either way, early to tell — maybe takes themselves a bit seriously for “Funcouver” Tours — but you’ll find out for us, right? HUGH: Sure. HELEN: They're on probation for another two weeks. Also happens to be a member of an equity-seeking community. This new guide could benefit from partnering with a real pro like yourself. HUGH: Okay, glad to show 'em the ropes. HELEN: Today’s their first day on the job. I’ve assigned them to work with you on one of our small group tours. Let’s treat this as our test case, see how you handle a supervisory, mentoring role. And see how our newcomer responds. HUGH: Between you and me, Helen, Becky and I need to find a new place and rents in this city are outrageous. Becks is flipping. A promotion will make a big difference for us. HELEN: I’ll get the ball rolling with HR so they know you’re an official candidate. HUGH: This is terrific. Thank you. HELEN: Hugh, you’ll be watched closely over the next couple of weeks so just, be sure to be your best. [Traffic din, chatter] HUGH: Almost everyone’s here— [Microphone feedback] Folks, what a nice small group we are. Welcome to Funcouver Tours! I’m Hugh, I’m your lead guide for the next 65 minutes and I’m positively e-VAN-gelical about the city I call home. Get it? VANcouver? EVANgelical? [Patrons laugh] C’mon in close now, room for everyone. Can everybody hear me? [Patrons make affirmative noises.] Excellent! We’ll just give it couple more minutes. A new guide will be joining us today and they’re apparently running a bit late, so— Any first-timers to Vancouver? Where you from, sir? PATRON #1: Portland. HUGH: I hear the coffee culture in Portlandia’s really percolating. PATRON#1: Yeah. HUGH: What brings you here? PATRON #1: A tour. HUGH: Hah. O-kay, thanks for choosing Funcouver Tours. How ‘bout you two friendly folk? PATRON #2: Calgary PATRON #3: We’re from Cowtown. HUGH: Canada’s Texas, ’howdy pardners’. PATRON #4: We’re visiting from Toronto. Omigod, your city is gorgeous! HUGH: Thank you. Y’know your Yonge street holds the title for the longest street in the world. Now I thought I heard 'un smattering’ of français. Okay, out of my depth. PATRON #5: From Quebec. HUGH: Bienvenue à Vancouver! All righty, folks, it’s go-time. Welcome to Funcouver tours. Fun is literally our middle name. PATRON #1: It’s your first name. HUGH: Pardon? PATRON #1: Funcouver. Fun is literally your first name. Not your middle name. HUGH: That, my friends, is what I like to call paying extremely close attention. A round of applause and a coupon to you, sir, for our nighttime ghost tour. [Smattering of applause] PATRON #1: No problem. HUGH: We’re going to have a great time today folks. Our last tour group had a great time…at least that’s what the police report says, heheh. [Patrons chuckle.] So, what’s Vancouver all about? Coffee. Mountains. Repeat. Okay, you can go home now. Kidding. Today’s Funcouver itinerary includes highlights of Yaletown, Gastown, and a couple of other popular sites before we return here, to the Roundhouse Community Arts Centre, a provincial heritage site of major historical significance. This Roundhouse originally housed and serviced the great steam engines of the Canadian Pacific Railroad. SHILOH: Hallo, back here! ‘Scuse me, wheelchair user coming through. HUGH: Make some space for the latecomer, folks. We’re standing at the western terminus of Canada’s transcontinental railway. This is also the centre of one of the largest urban experiments, which transformed a few hundred acres into one of North America’s densest inner-city sites. SHILOH: Three more millimetres for my chair to get through… and hey! HUGH: Welcome, ma’am. SHILOH: Oh, but— HUGH: —Folks, Vancouver is Canada's highest density city centre, Yaletown is our densest neighbourhood, and at the center of Yaletown is the Roundhouse whose mission today is to celebrate diversity — of people, values, ideas and activities. SHILOH: Places that embrace different perspectives are linked to better productivity. HUGH: Yes, very true. Folks, this old building was a repair shed for the trains. But as we all know, the one constant in life is change, and diesel-powered engines took over and that ended steam locomotives. Now before we mosey to catch our tour bus, we like to acknowledge that we’re on the unceded ancestral territories of the Musqueam, Squamish and Tsleil-Waututh peoples. SHILOH: Indigenous Peoples have been here for over 10,000 years. HUGH: Someone after my job? No, really, well done! Here’s a coupon for our late night ghost tour; it’s also accessible. [Patrons applaud.] SHILOH: Hey, thanks. Am I working that too? HUGH: Wait. You’re the newbie? SHILOH: Yeah, I’m your new guide! Here’s a coffee. Sorry, spilled a bit. HUGH: Thanks, we don’t do coffee on the job. PATRON #3: I’ll take it. SHILOH: Sure. Hey, everyone. I’m Shiloh. My pronouns are she/they. HUGH: Guess Helen didn’t mention—you’re the first—oh, should I say my pronouns? SHILOH: Yes. I mean, whatever you like. HUGH: I’m he/him. SHILOH: “One constant in life is change”, right? HUGH: Let’s take a moment to welcome you. Folks, Shiloh is the first— SHILOH: — Wheelchair user? HUGH: I was going to say, first person named Shiloh, to ever work with Funcouver Tours! Welcome! SHILOH: Hey Friends! I’m excited to offer a social justice lens to Funcouver tours and I am pumped to lay down what I know. HUGH: You are? I mean, we also have a basic script to follow— SHILOH: With some room for improvisation— HUGH: Within certain parameters. SHILOH: Gonna bring new ideas to one of the world’s oldest professions. HUGH: Pardon me? SHILOH: Tour guides have been a thing since the 4th century BCE. [Patrons chortle.] HUGH: Good one! HUGH: Folks, over there our chariot awaits. Today we’re riding a battery-electric minibus that can travel up to 470 kilometers on a single charge. SHILOH: Gotta admit, the battery gets charged by an onboard diesel generator. But goals, right? HUGH: Funcouver Tours is committed to net zero emissions by 2040. SHILOH: Hey, Hugh, I’ve signed up for the new employee environmental committee. Maybe you wanna be part of it? HUGH: I’ll definitely give it some thought. Folks, here we are— Oh. —Hmm…Anyone here own this car? Or know who does? This car’s in our spot. There’s our bus but our driver can’t pull in ‘cause somebody’s blocked the lane. [Patrons murmur “No" “Not me”] SHILOH: That’s a pretty massive ‘accessible parking only’ sign. And there’s one for buses only. HUGH: Right-y. Well, guess we can kill a few minutes ‘til whomever owns this car returns. Who likes riddles? SHILOH: —I’ve got one: How many people with disabilities does it take to change a light-bulb? HUGH: I was—okay, how many? SHILOH: One to change it and five able-bodied people to tell them they’re an inspiration. [Hugh laughs joined by the patrons.] HUGH: I’ll run over and have a quick word with our driver. ‘Scuse me for a moment. SHILOH: Sure. Sorry, peeps, hopefully this’ll just take a minute. PATRON#2: Getting a late start, though. PATRON #3: Whatcha gonna you do? PATRON #4: Bus can’t pull in while some car’s parked in the way. [Car unlocks with a beep.] SHILOH: There he is. An accessible parking violator. BOO! [Patrons boo.] PARKER: Uh, yeah, this is my car. SHILOH: You’re blocking the bus. Accessible parking only? PARKER: Dudes, hey, my bad, just ran in to grab a latte. SHILOH: For real? PARKER: Yeah, their brewer is on point, like, bright acidity… SHILOH: Dude, whatever. Where’s your permit? PARKER: I always park here. Okay, sorry but their coffee is sooo good— SHILOH: These spots are for people with disabilities. Unless you have an invisible disability? PARKER: Maybe I have an invisible permit for my invisible disability? HUGH: Okay, driver’s ready when we are. Sir, you’re not supposed to park here. SHILOH: For real, dude, your convenience is someone else’s necessity. PARKER: Yeah, this spot is always empty. HUGH: —No need for a confrontation— PARKER: Okay but there was literally no one here ten minutes ago. [Patrons accost Parker.] PARKER: Jeez, you didn’t have to form a mob. Lemme get past you and I’ll be on my way— SHILOH: Yo! Don’t touch my chair! PARKER: All right, jeez, sorry. HUGH: Off you go now. PARKER: Bite my ass. SHILOH: You never. Touch. Someone’s wheelchair. Without. Their permission. [Car door opens and closes.] PATRON #3: Jerk. PATRON #1: Buh Bye, Felicia PATRON #5: Salut! [Ignition turns and drives away.] HUGH: Back to regular programming, folks. Driver, all clear, let’s get this show on the road. SHILOH: My patience makes me calm. HUGH: You good? SHILOH: My chair’s like part of my body, that was invasive. HUGH: What? Oh, okay, got it. Just remember: FUNcouver. Good times. Stuff happens, we roll with it. You’re a professional. SHILOH: Sure. Cool beans. HUGH: The guy was a slime ball. SHILOH: Ya think. HUGH: Need a moment? SHILOH: I can do hard things. HUGH: We guides need to be prepared for anything. SHILOH: Yep, no problem. Never underestimate people with disabilities. I got bug spray in my backpack, mace in my purse and a handful of anti-diuretics in my stomach. [Patrons grumbling impatiently.] HUGH: Folks, heheh, putting that little display of entitlement behind us… Not typical for Vancouver but just like any world-class city we have our heroes and our villains. Sometimes hard to tell who’s who, right? SHILOH: Pretty clear from my vantage point. [Bus pulls up, stops, door opens.] HUGH: All righty, let’s fuel this ride with positive energy. Folks, it’s a full itinerary & we’ll all stay together ‘til we return to this location. We’re boarding a greatly reduced emission minibus…of course that also depends on what you’ve eaten for lunch, sir, haha, little gas joke there, heheh. [Bus ‘emitting gas’ and closing door] Hey, ever wonder… when the driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door? Folks, carry-on items should be stored securely. And note this minibus is fully accessible. Say hi to our driver, Andrea, my partner in crime. DRIVER: It’s all about the customer. I just put up with you. HUGH: You always go the ‘extra mile’. Bus all tuned up? DRIVER: Oh yeah. ‘Course, they couldn’t repair my brakes so they made my horn louder. [Horn toots twice.] [Banging on window.] TESS: —Wait up! Funcouver Tours? Hey, open up. [Bus door opens.] TESS: Tour bus, right? HUGH: Hey there, latecomer. Fortune smiles upon you as we’re running slightly behind schedule. TESS: Nearly fell ass-over-tea-kettle on that dang obstacle course getting here— does this city have some fixation with concrete planters? SHILOH: —Welcome. TESS: Where’s an empty seat? SHILOH: First seat to your left. Yes, sit with me, I’d love it. [Cane clicking navigation.] TESS: Whew. Worked up a friggin’ sweat. Darned elevator was broken at the Skytrain. SHILOH: Had that same encounter. TESS: I’ve got a big-time meet-up on the last stop of this tour. Can’t be late for that. Name’s Tess, you probably saw that on your list. SHILOH: Don’t you worry, Tess, we’ll describe everything on today’s tour and feel free to ask questions. HUGH: Driver, ready anytime. Shiloh, ready to play ball, you and me? SHILOH: I’m game. HUGH: Funtastic! Folks, we’re a small group and Shiloh and I are going to be talking a lot so take these next few seconds to introduce yourselves to your neighbours. [Friendly chatter.] SHILOH: It’s Tess, right? Do you prefer the term blind, or living with sight loss? TESS: Me? Just don’t call me late for dinner. HUGH: Little history as we turn this corner. The Dominion of Canada was established in 1867, and four years later British Columbia joined. SHILOH: Indigenous people had scant say in any of it. Our governments failed to recognize Indigenous peoples' rights, even developed policies to eliminate their cultures. HUGH: Indeed, Canada’s been doing a lot of self-reflection on that front. Now, joining Canada cleared the way for construction of the great railway that links this country from east to west. SHILOH: A train line that basically ran the end credits to a whole way of life. HUGH: Sadly, yes. The railroad also imposed a barrier to American expansion into the Canadian West. On the left of us, the Yaletown-Roundhouse station— TESS: That’s the station I came through, I had to navigate up and down the floors like snakes and ladders, up and down, and up and down… SHILOH: That’s TransLink for you. TransLink pledged to step up their access game for the stations in 2018. By building additional escalators! If only the elevators didn’t take a month to repair, right? [Traffic sounds.] HUGH: Now you may be able to catch a peek straight ahead — of the crown-like retractable roof of BC Place, our state-of-the-art sports and performance venue. SHILOH: BC Place hosts the Whitecaps’ games and big-name acts. Beyoncé and Jay-Z, Metallica… $500 bucks is the average price to watch a live event at BC Place. Premium seats go as high as $36,000. HUGH: What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback, haha. Seriously, BC Place has hosted tens of millions of people since opening. SHILOH: Just remember, Gate F isn’t accessible. Yes, Tess? TESS: ’F’ as in ‘F - you’, eh? Me & Dave, we had our first date at BC Place. You know what? Betcha that’s why he snagged me a ticket for this tour. Little trip back in time before we meet up again today. Dave’s such a romantic. SHILOH: Your Dave sounds legit. HUGH: BC Place provides fans who are hearing and visually impaired with Assistive Listening Devices. TESS: Assistive listening devices? I can hear just fine. HUGH: I don’t get— SHILOH: It’s the word “Impaired”. Drunk drivers are impaired. She’s a person with sight loss. HUGH: Got it, person first language. Person with sight loss. TESS: But I’m a blind lady. HUGH: But— SHILOH: She gets to identify however she likes. TESS: Just call me Tess. Hey, can you tell if my phone has any juice? SHILOH: Nine percent. TESS: That’ll last me to the last stop on this tour, I think? HUGH: Okay, Folks, coming up our right is the Terry Fox Monument, designed by Vancouver artist Douglas Coupland. Terry Fox won the hearts of Canadians when he ran across our giant country on one leg — having lost the other leg to cancer – to raise money for cancer research. He called the journey The Marathon of Hope. TESS: Broken peepers here. What’cha lookin’ at? SHILOH: Oh, it’s four statues of Terry Fox running. The one furthest away is the smallest and the statues increase in size as he moves toward his goal – the Pacific Ocean — and grows in stature in the public’s imagination. [Patrons Ooh and ahh.] TESS: Terry had a dog, eh? HUGH: He did? You sure? TESS: So as the story goes, they chose the dog — name was Lucky — ‘cause he had the same cancer and a fake leg like Terry. But Terry kept tripping on the dog so they got rid of him. HUGH: Doesn’t sound very lucky. PATRON #2: Hey, how come she knows that? TESS: Goes back when I was first going blind. Dave comes in one day— PATRON #3: Who’s Dave? TESS: Dave’s my guy. My ex. Maybe my next. Fingers crossed, right? So back then, I’m losing my sight and one day Dave comes in with a puppy. SHILOH: Sweet. TESS: Nah, I got super pissed at him. Yelled my head off. Because I decide if I want a guide dog, not him. PATRON #4: Dave sounds adorable. TESS: Yeah and I’m the fool. Puppy was half blind. Not a guide dog at all. Dave just thought Bruno would make good company for me. SHILOH: Did you say you were meeting up with Dave at the end of this tour? TESS: Last stop. SHILOH: When was the last time you saw him? TESS: Three years ago. SHILOH: Three years? TESS: Long story. SHILOH: You’re reuniting with Dave at the end of our tour? TESS: That’s the plan. SHILOH: Like, reuniting reuniting’? TESS: Don’t wanna build castles in the air but… SHILOH: Awesome! PATRON #1: Pretty cool! PATRON #4: So romantic! HUGH: Friendly reminder: Bus full of tour customers…. SHILOH: Right. At the end of the block on the right is the Sun Tower, a 1912 Beaux-Arts building and home today of The Vancouver Sun. HUGH: Ah, but did you know it was originally called The World Tower? SHILOH: Because of the World Newspaper. HUGH: Right you are. The 17-storey building was the tallest building in the British Empire when it was built to house our first newspaper. See the nine terracotta “maidens” supporting the cornice. Back in the day these “maidens” were controversial because they were considered to be holding "sensuous" poses. SHILOH: Scandalous! In 1923 the famous Harry Houdini locked himself in a straight-jacket and was hung by the heels on the side of this building. TESS: Beats me why someone’d take chances like that. Hung by the heels at 17 stories? HUGH: Ah, but three minutes later, Houdini freed himself. The Vancouver crowd went wild. TESS. Coulda been a goner. SHILOH: Hashtag: TABS, right? TESS: TABS? SHILOH: TABS, you know it. T-A-B-S. The world’s divided between people with disabilities — PWDs — and the TABS: temporarily able-bodieds. TESS: I know TABS. TABS was me before I lost my sight. Thought I’d sail through my thirties able-bodied but life had other plans. How’d you know about TABS? SHILOH: Me? I’m a wheelchair user. TESS: No way. Get out. HUGH: Up ahead you get a glimpse of Vancouver’s Chinatown. The red lampposts symbolize luck, joy, and happiness in Chinese culture. SHILOH: Two thousand Chinese labourers were brought in by the CPR to work on the railway, right? Paid half of their white counterparts. Hundreds didn’t survive. HUGH: Tragic and yes, true. You’re doing great, just…follow my lead, lighten up a bit. SHILOH: Sure. This area served as a safe haven and second home for Chinese immigrants. Has a pretty hip vibe, and great markets. Even though some have closed because of— HUGH: Hey folks, our driver just gave the sign we need to take a quick detour due to construction. Back with you in a second, just gonna check in with her. Shiloh, these few blocks aren’t in the tour script but I’ve got some stories and riddles— TESS: This better not put us behind schedule. SHILOH: —Oh, I can talk all day about these run-down buildings and developers’ efforts to modernize— PATRON #4: Can we take a little breather from the tour talk? C’mon, Miss, spill the rest of your juicy ex story. SHILOH: Or I can talk about gentrification. PATRON #4: Not gonna lie, that doesn’t sound very fun-couver. PATRON #1: Yeah, let the blind chick talk PATRON #2: Sure, I like a juicy ex story as well as the next guy. PATRON #4: Right? SHILOH: Guess we’ve got a spare minute. If she consents, of course. TESS: Normally the only thing people ever ask me about is how I went blind. Really, you wanna know? [Patrons respond affirmatively.] SHILOH: Spill. TESS: Haha. Okay, I guess. Dave…used to be my boyfriend. Fiancé, actually. Yeah, I know, shocking, right? SHILOH: And? TESS: Before I lost my sight. Broke it off after my diagnosis. SHILOH: Your guy bailed after you got the diagnosis? [Patrons make shocked, outraged exclamations.] TESS: No, you got it wrong. Dave’s the best guy you'll ever meet. Big heart, sweet as honey. Not hard on the eyes. The only thing we ever fought about was my being late. It was the one thing between us. I’m always late. He’s always on time. According to Dave, if you’re five minutes early you’re on time. If you’re on time, you’re late. That’s it. Mostly we were… content. We had our whole lives mapped out and everything. We were talking ‘bout kids. But then, got my diagnosis and it felt crappy to ask him to stay with me after I went blind, so I ended it. SHILOH: What?! PATRON #4: Let her finish. TESS: I had to break up with him. Come on. Final straw was that time I dropped this whole pot of Pasta Bolognese on the floor. Vegetarian because Dave doesn’t believe in eating anything with a face. So I'm carrying this pot of pasta and, well, I missed the whole damn countertop and the friggin' load of sauce just fell on the damn floor. PATRON #2: Vegetarian meat sauce, that’s a thing? PATRON #3: We’re not in Cowtown anymore. SHILOH: C’mon, accidents happen. TESS: For me that was the clincher. I had to harden my heart to do it. So I ended it. For the next two years I was laser-focused on learning how to get along. How to find my tooth brush. Make coffee. Use a white cane. PATRON #4: That’s so sad, poor Dave. TESS: Yeah, broke his heart … that was rough… Don’t look at me like that…yeah, I can tell. Look, I was afraid of becoming dependent on him. I needed to prove to myself that I could make it on my own. SHILOH: So, that was then. What’s the plan today? TESS: I’ve gotten my life together. I’m working again. Found myself thinking of Dave. You know he used to make me popcorn and rub my feet while watching my game shows with me... So one night I’m tossing and turning and I say to myself, “Tess, admit it, you still love him.” So I send him an email you know, just a casual message. It’s 2:25 AM and get this: 2:26 AM and my inbox dings. It’s him. Next thing you know, he calls me up and three hours pass and we’re yakking away like old times and suddenly he asks me if I’m calling because I wanna try again. SHILOH: And do you? TESS: So I go, “Well, I do miss you.” And he goes, “Well I was hoping to hear that. But I can’t have you breaking my heart again.” And I tell him once was all I needed. But I just couldn’t get it together. First time we were supposed to meet, I dunno, I got cold feet. Second time, I chickened out again. But I told him how sorry I was. I really want to be with him. I’m ready. So he’s given me one last chance. He sends me this ticket for this tour and says, we’ll meet up at the last stop.— [Patrons "Awww."] TESS: But… SHILOH: What? But what? TESS: Dave says, “If this is important to you, Tess, if this is real, then you’d better be there. If you don’t show up, thenyou’ll never hear from me again. And I’ll take that as a final ‘No’.” Hey, can we pick up the pace on this tour? SHILOH: Hugh, we’re pretty much running on time, right? [PATRONS, gushing over each other, excited.] HUGH: Welcome to Daves of our Lives. Settle down, folks, stay in your seats. Hey, let's have some fun. How do you get 50 Canadians out of a swimming pool? You say, ‘Please get out of the swimming pool’. [PATRONS groan.] TESS: Hey, this road needs work. HUGH: Ah the cobblestone streets! Gastown is Vancouver’s oldest neighbourhood. SHILOH: Ever tried wheeling around these streets? Spoiler: Not funsies. It’s hell on wheels. TESS: Not ideal for us blind folks either. Cobblestones and white canes do not mix. SHILOH: And there’s no automated street crossings. TESS: Sounds like Gastown kinda sucks. HUGH: Shiloh, I feel like you’re not getting the message. Can you fix this, please? SHILOH: Friends, our beautiful ocean is just beyond those buildings on the right. And back in the day this street would get submerged during high tide, which is why it’s called Water Street. [Patrons "Wow" "Ooh".] HUGH: Today the district retains its historic charm and independent spirit. Victorian architecture houses galleries, restaurants, and a thriving fashion scene. [Sirens in the distance.] HUGH: There’s the famous Steam Clock is to our right. Underneath this city is a series of steam pipes that provide heat to most of the buildings in the downtown core, and steam for the whistles of the Gastown Steam Clock. Every 15 minutes— [The clock whistles. Ooh’s and ahh’s from patrons.] HUGH: There you go. Pass this clock at any time of day and you’ll see a crowd like this, surrounding it, like bees to honey. SHILOH: Gonna let you peeps in on a little secret: it’s actually not powered by steam, it’s electricity. HUGH: Appearing to be a remnant of the Victorian era— SHILOH: But was put there in 1977. So it kinda draws bees to, I dunno… TESS: Aspartame? [Patrons laugh.] HUGH: Maybe someone’s got a little too much steam winding their motor… SHILOH: It’s a funny story. HUGH: Yeah, and I was just getting to it. SHILOH: Oh. Sorry, I— TESS: You two’s squabbling better not slow things down. [Phone dying sound effect.] Shit, my phone died. HUGH: No squabbling, we’re just… confabulating. So that’s the steam clock, folks. SHILOH: Voted the world’s worst tourist attraction for a record 10th year, after being labelled “pointless” by the World Travel Awards. It’s funny, isn’t it? PATRON #2: It’s no Big Ben. [PATRONS chortle.] [Cruise ship horns in the distance.] HUGH: Canada Place. May through October, a million tourists on cruise ships hit up our fancy port. Always packed with these big boat hotels. Go ahead. I can tell you want to put your spin on it. SHILOH: Well, we’re just blocks away from Canada’s biggest unhoused population. HUGH: My Lord. SHILOH: Hey Tess, FYI there are seams in the sidewalks in front of Canada Place, hazardous to wheelchair users like me and people living with sight loss. TESS: Thanks for the tip. I like to keep my teeth in my face. HUGH: Folks, we’ll pull over here just long enough for you to get a good view of the Olympic Cauldron. SHILOH: Or as some of us refer to it, the Paralympic Cauldron. [Bangs on door.] TOURIST: Hey can you open the door? [Bus door opens.] DRIVER: Sorry, not in service. TOURIST: Whaddaya mean, ya got people riding. DRIVER: Hugh? HUGH: Sir, this is a private tour. SHILOH: Anybody wanna guess how many medals Canada won in the 2010 Paralympic Games? 19 total medals, 10 of them gold. TOURIST: Look, I’m off a cruise ship, got two hours. You take American money, right? [Paper cash rustling.] HUGH: Sir, I’m going to ask you to step off. Shiloh, carry on. SHILOH: Canada won a record number of gold medals for a host country of the Winter Olympics - fourteen. Team Canada’s women and men’s ice hockey team won gold over the good ole’ US of A. TOURIST: Huh? The US will take your team nine times out of ten. SHILOH: With Canadian players. And in the 2010 Paralympics, Canada came in 3rd winning 19 medals. TOURIST: Paralympics, big whoopie do. Who needs to see a bunch of cripples getting their jollies off? HUGH: Excuse me? SHILOH: What the— TESS: Hey, watch it! TOURIST: Whoa, you watch your cane, blind lady, Oh, sorry, didn’t see you. Oh, haha, that’s funny, ‘cause she can’t see— SHILOH: Get off the bus! TOURIST: Huh? SHILOH: NOW, YOU STUPID FUCKING ABLEIST PRICK! [Patrons gasp.] TOURIST: What the—? I thought Canadians were nice. [Patrons “whoa”. Bus door closes and pulls away, honking.] HUGH: Sorry about that folks, more excitement today than you can shake a stick at. One more site to survive, I mean— SHILOH: Hugh..? HUGH: Shiloh, can we have a confab? What that guy did was not okay but what you just did there totally crossed a line. SHILOH: I’m sorry. I mean, but he was — Yeah, I lost it, it won’t happen again— HUGH: —I’ll take over this last site. SHILOH: Uh oh. TESS: You snapped. It’s okay. I once used my cane to trip a guy who pushed past me on an escalator. SHILOH: I think I’ve screwed up big time. I’ve made a terrible mistake. Oh my fucking Lord. Bren. Bren warned me not to lose my shit; to go along to get along. She’s going to murder me. I can’t deal with job hunting again. I’ve been rejected a million times. HUGH: Folks, our last site, Stanley Park, is 1000 acres. It’s 60% coastal temperate rainforest, providing a valuable habitat for wildlife. TESS: We’re not going to Stanley Park, we’re going to Robson Square. Is Stanley Park close to Robson Square? HUGH: Not at all. TESS: Look, I need to get to Robson Square to meet Dave. HUGH: I’m afraid you’re mistaken, ma’am— TESS: You don’t understand, I can’t be late. HUGH: We’re on a fixed route. TESS: Dave bought me a ticket to Robson Square – as advertised. HUGH: Shiloh, you checked her ticket, right? SHILOH: Pass me your ticket, Tess. HUGH: Stanley Park is named after Lord Stanley who was our Governor General when the park was established in 1889. There’s a sports award named after him, can anyone guess? PATRON #3: That's the Stanley Cup, bud. HUGH: That’s right, the Stanley Cup. TESS: We gotta stop. Stop the bus! DRIVER: I don’t take marching orders from you, lady. Sit down. HUGH: Better pull over, Andrea. DRIVER: Hang on folks, changing lanes. [Bus accelerate, patrons lurch.] HUGH: Ma’am, there’s been a mistake. Terribly sorry about this but we can… let you off at the next stop. Robson Square is five blocks away, you can walk— SHILOH: We can’t leave her stranded in the middle of downtown Vancouver. TESS: I get around fine on my own. SHILOH: I know you do but you won’t make it in time. Won’t he wait if you’re just a bit late? TESS: If I’m not there on time he’ll leave. I know it. SHILOH: You for real don’t think he’ll wait for you? TESS: Damn! My first bus was late. The skytrain elevator was broken. Now I’m on the wrong tour bus. SHILOH: Oh my God. I’m so sorry. Her ticket is for another tour that runs parallel to ours. It’s my fault. HUGH: What the—? SHILOH: In the rush of getting her settled I didn’t properly check her ticket. TESS: You mean—? SHILOH: It’s my fault. I’m so sorry, Tess. How can I make it right? TESS: Get me to Robson Square! SHILOH: Hugh? Hugh, this is the guy she almost married. You heard her story. HUGH: Like I had much of a choice. TESS: What do I have to do? You want money? Here, take my wallet. Driver, step on it! HUGH: Please, settle down. TESS: Listen to me. Robson Square is… it’s where Dave and I met. In the zip line line-up at the Olympics. I got my mitten caught in my jacket and Dave— he, he helped me with the zipper. That’s why we have to meet at— SHILOH: Robson Square, where you first met. TESS: You gotta get me there. [Bus pulls over screeches to a stop.] HUGH: Well, we’ve pulled over now. No way are we making schedule. Dangit. TESS: No! Driver, don’t stop! DRIVER: Lady, sit down. Folks, make up your mind, we can’t stop here forever. [Clang.] HUGH: Whoa, swing your cane like that and someone could get hurt. SHILOH: Tess, not a good idea. TESS: Driver, Robson Square! Driver! [Clang.] HUGH: Get a grip, the business end of that cane is no joke. SHILOH: Tess, listen to me. Can’t you contact Dave and tell him to meet you at Stanley Park instead? TESS: I can’t reach Dave, my phone died. SHILOH: You could use my phone. TESS: You think I memorized his phone number? Do you know your partner’s phone number? SHILOH: No. TESS: You? HUGH: No. SHILOH: Sorry, I thought—maybe blind people memorize..? HUGH: Interesting fact: Einstein didn’t memorize his own phone number. TESS: Who gives a rat’s ass about Einstein? SHILOH: I feel like we need to help her somehow. HUGH: She’s putting us in danger and behind schedule. [Clang.] TOUR PATRON 1: Oh please, I feel perfectly safe. TOUR PATRON 4: Can we stand in the way of true love? TOUR PATRON 2: This tour is messed up. Let’s ask for our money back. HUGH: You see? They paid for a tour through an iconic Vancouver park. SHILOH: C’mon, Hugh, we can have some flex, right? There was construction back in Chinatown, we took a different route then. HUGH: That’s different. SHILOH: When I was in training they talked a lot about improvising when things go down unexpectedly HUGH: That’s about traffic and cruise passengers backing up the streets and incidents like that. TESS: We’re running out of time. [Clang.] Ow! HUGH: Watch where you swing that—What is wrong with you? TESS: Mind your own business. Want me to walk you through my optic nerve damage like it’s a tour? SHILOH: Hugh, that’s a very rude question to ask a person with a disability. PATRON #2: This blind chick has balls! PATRON #4: You numpty, she called herself a blind lady, not a chick. And what is men’s obsession with their balls? PATRON #2: It was a compliment! HUGH: This is a total loss of social order. Shiloh, no joke. We have a professional responsibility. Lord, our jobs are at stake. SHILOH: Come on, you’re a middle aged, able-bodied white guy. Your job is secure. HUGH: Are you kidding? You’ve just described the least secure demographic of the 21st century. PATRON #1: Let’s get the chick, er, lady to her boyfriend. PATRON #4: Kinda wanna see this Dave guy for myself. PATRON #2: Yeah, we got parks up the yin yang in Cowtown. [Clang.] SHILOH: Tess, sit down. Sit! Thank you. Give us a minute. SHILOH: Look, Hugh, I know this is my first day and all and maybe we didn't start off on the right foot. HUGH: You mean because you bash everything, make everyone feel guilty for stuff we weren’t even alive for. We’re called FUNcouver Tours, not Grievance Tours. I’m not caving to these brash demands. SHILOH: Hey, I love Vancouver! I’m just keeping up what I did in training. HUGH: Yeah, relentlessly. SHILOH: Well they loved it. HUGH: I’m not convinced you heard them correctly. SHILOH: What? How would you—How would they— Are you saying they pretended to like my perspective? HUGH: No, I’m not saying anything of the sort! TESS: What is happening? SHILOH: Hang on, Tess! Okay, Hugh, let's focus. What’s more important, giving this tour for the millionth time or reuniting two people who are meant to be together? HUGH: Get real. This is your first day on the job, you do realize most new employees take a back seat, right? SHILOH: Not so much in my nature. HUGH: You think this Dave guy is even real? How do you know this isn’t some kind of scam? I mean, they say love is blind, but— [SHILOH clears her throat.] HUGH: Gimme a break, stop acting the woke pain in the rump. SHILOH: That's a shitty thing to say. HUGH: Sorry. Crap. I didn’t mean that. [Shiloh takes a deep breath.] SHILOH: My patience makes me calm. I can do hard things. Hugh, listen. I just… maybe this really is true love she’s talking about. And if it is, how can we not? Like, I can't imagine my life without my Bren. She always has my back. She’s also the biggest pain in my butt. But if I just had one last chance to be with her, I’d do everything… I mean, you get it, right? HUGH: No I don’t get it. I could get fired for going off route, got that? I can’t afford to be kicked out of this job. For crying out loud, my wife’s relying on me. We’ve had to move three times in the past five years. I need a promotion and Helen’s already reminded me of that one damn stain on my record when I went off schedule— SHILOH: You’ve had to move three times? I get it. Our place needs accessibility upgrades and Bren’s been the sole breadwinner so how fair is that? Aargh, that’s Vancouver. Come on, Hugh, it’s just a small route adjustment— HUGH: —That they’ll put on my record. They’re going to point the finger right at me. Crap, I’m supposed to prove I’m a competent manager. Doing a stupendous job, aren’t I? SHILOH: I am kind of… extra. PATRON #5: What she said. PATRON #1: No doubt. SHILOH: What do you say, Hugh? Just, this one time? [Cars honking.] DRIVER: I gotta move the bus. TESS: Please! SHILOH: Thirty seconds, Tess! HUGH: All I want is to run a carefree tour, get folks tickled about this town, get my promotion… SHILOH: Hugh, Helen raved to me about you. She trusts you to always do the right thing for the customers. They’ll get it. HUGH: Will they? Changing the route will demonstrate my leadership? Convince them I’m ready for bigger challenges? SHILOH: Leaders aren’t afraid of change! HUGH: So, shake things up, do something different… SHILOH: Yes! And Robson Square is “the jewel in Vancouver’s crown”, right? HUGH: It’s an internationally-recognized masterwork that put Vancouver on the map, it’s— SHILOH: You love to tell these people about Arthur Erickson, don’t you? HUGH: He’s a hero of mine but that’s not relevant right—. SHILOH: —Reason it, Hugh, most tourists plan a day at Stanley Park anyway. Who visits Vancouver and doesn’t go to Stanley Park, am I right folks? [Patrons respond affirmatively.] SHILOH: And you’d get to talk about the Art Gallery. Christchurch Cathedral is sitting right there… the oldest church in town… HUGH: When it opened in 1889, it was a basement with a temporary roof. Wait a minute— SHILOH: Blame me, Hugh! I'll take the fall. HUGH: Stop it. Stop it! Let me think. There are rules. A policy book. There’s a clause in the policy book… SHILOH: Something in the fine print? HUGH: Quiet for a second! Clause 119 of Funcouver Tours Policy Handbook states, “the customer’s positive experience is the most important outcome”. SHILOH: I know you care about company policy, Hugh. HUGH: I could say, we’re legitimately fulfilling our customers’ request. SHILOH: Exactly. HUGH: You think I won’t write you up? SHILOH: Folks, whaddaya say? How about we mix things up and take a different route? PATRON #3: Go ahead, change the route for the blind lady. PATRON #4: It’s a chance to witness a real life romance. PATRON #3: What the hey, Stanley Park another day. [Patrons chant.] PATRONS: What the hey, Stanley Park another day. SHILOH: Folks, you’ll stay close and not wander off? [Patrons respond affirmatively.] SHILOH: You’ll give him five stars on Yelp? [Patrons respond affirmatively.] SHILOH: You hearing your customers, Hugh? HUGH: My Lord. I mean…I can’t believe I’m doing this. Dammit. Why not…? Leadership means stepping up, showing some spine—Sorry, spine, is that..? No? Okay. It’s about taking risks. Not being afraid of change! Next stop Robson Square. DRIVER: Next stop, Robson Square. Hold on! [Bus pulls away. Patrons cheer.] TESS: Dave, please wait, please wait for me, please wait for me! HUGH: Well, let’s give these people some value: On your right is the Hotel Vancouver, one of Canada's grand railway hotels. We’re in the financial district of downtown Vancouver, and near two SkyTrain stations. TESS: Are we close? SHILOH: We’re coming up to the Vancouver Art Gallery, which backs onto Robson Square. Moments away, Tess. HUGH: Vancouver architect Arthur Erickson was asked to design a new courthouse and proposed a 55 story building in the Brutalist Style. Masses of foreboding concrete. SHILOH: Foreboding, my favourite. HUGH: City council had imposed a height restriction on buildings (40 stories), to help preserve the views of the mountains and the natural light downtown. So Erickson took the 55 story design and said, “Let’s turn it on its side and let people walk all over it.” SHILOH: Erickson had able-bodied walkers in mind, that’s for sure. But that’s interesting info, Hugh, thanks. HUGH: You’re welcome. The Plexiglas dome covers an open-air skating rink in the winter, and in the summer it’s used for things like Salsa dancing classes and concerts. SHILOH: It’s a big place; where are you supposed to meet Dave? TESS: He said, “at the top of the V”. HUGH: The top of the V? Never heard of it. SHILOH: What does it mean, Hugh? V as in VAG? HUGH: Vancouver Art Gallery? DRIVER: We’re here, folks, Robson Square. Can’t park here for long. [Bus stops.] HUGH: Off the bus, everyone, let’s stay together. PATRON #4: Stick close, but not too close. Hey! PATRON #1: Field trip! HUGH: Here we are, Robson Square. A serene system of landscaped terraces and waterfalls making up a vast urban landmark stretching for three city blocks. Built over six years starting in 1973, check out the simple and rectilinear forms, the verticals, horizontals and terraces, softened by the pools and green spaces designed by landscape architect Cornelia Oberlander. SHILOH: Super engaging info, Hugh, but gotta find the V; focus. TESS: Why did Dave make it so hard to find him? SHILOH: Let’s turn left here. HUGH: Maybe the V is in the design of the Erickson stairs…folks, see what I’m talking about? The brilliant combination of stairs and ramps: Stramps. TESS: Sounds rude. PATRON #2: Maybe the V stands for Viagra. PATRON #3: God help her. HUGH: This series of stairs and ramps does look like a series of V’s. TESS: Is Dave there? SHILOH: I don’t see anyone. PATRON #4: Hey, that red sculpture kind of looks like a V. HUGH: That one’s called “Spring” TESS: Is he there? Dave? Dave? SHILOH: I don’t think so. Your Romeo has us on quite the scavenger hunt. Give us a clue, what does Dave look like? TESS: Dave has gentle hands. A good heart. Smells like Old Spice… HUGH: It’s gotta be these interconnecting V’s. SHILOH: The sight of these stramps makes me wanna barf. Ugh, can’t stand this place. We’ve been begging the city for ages to add hand rails. HUGH: Come on, maybe Casanova is at the top. TESS: Shiloh, you go in front. I’ll hold onto Hugh. Hugh, gimme your arm. I’ll hold onto your elbow like this and we’ll follow her. Okay. Everyone else behind us. Come on, Shiloh, we can’t waste time! SHILOH: Coming through, people. For crying out loud. HUGH: To quote Mr. Erickson: "The steps here, which are part of this wonderful public space, have stairs and ramps so that everybody can enjoy it.” [Shiloh breathing heavily.] SHILOH: Yeah, loving life right now. You know what? Fuck Arthur Erickson! It's terrifying that you can't even tell where one stair ends and the other begins because they're all the same colour. TESS: Are you okay? SHILOH: Thanks for asking. PATRON #4: You got this. TESS: Where’s Dave? Dave? SHILOH: He’ll turn up, Tess. HUGH: The City considers these ramps “ornamental”. SHILOH: So people like me aren’t supposed to actually use it? Which is it? For everyone to use or ornamental? Make up your mind. HUGH: These are beautiful, sculptural stairs. People rave about them. TESS: Dave? Come on, let’s keep going. SHILOH: Going, going. Tess, give us another clue what Dave looks like. TESS: 6’3”. On the heavy side. Kinda looks like a lumberjack, butfor real. Oh, Dave has this old red tuque he loves to wear for no good reason. SHILOH: No sign but we’re al— TESS: Are we almost there? SHILOH: Hugh, I’ve seen the comments on social: ‘This is so good for wheelchair users’… ’this is how you do great accessible design’— HUGH: So what’s the problem? SHILOH: Hang on a sec, I’m dying here. Ok, on the upside, it’s sparking real talk on making spaces accessible. But can’t you tell? It doesn't work for the people it's supposed to help! Okay, one more push. TESS: Dave? SHILOH: Made it. HUGH: So here we are. TESS: See anything? HUGH: No lumberjacks. Nope. Actually, nobody at all. TESS: Dave? Oh my God. We’re too late. He’s gone. He’s gone! SHILOH: We’re only a few minutes behind. TESS: Dave, where are you? Dave? He’s not here! [Dog barking.] TESS: I’m such a dolt. This whole thing has been a fool’s errand. I’m sorry, everyone. Stop that. Hey, someone’s licking my hand. Dave? Wait. Bruno, is that you? Ohh, Bruno! DAVE: Tess? Tess? TESS: Dave? DAVE: I’m so sorry, I was late, I got caught in traffic. I tried to call you and couldn't get through. I almost didn’t make it. I’m so sorry. How long have you been waiting? TESS: Not very long. DAVE: I’m so glad you’re here. You look wonderful. SHILOH: You didn’t make it easy to find this place. DAVE: But—but I thought this ramp-stair combo was famous for being accessible. TESS: Bruno remembers me! DAVE: He had a bath today. Me too. I mean, I showered, I mean. Tess, I nearly lost it when I heard your voice. Then I lost his leash. But he found you. You’re the best boy, aren’t you Bruno. TESS: He’s the best boy! Patron #4: This isn’t how I imagined it. Patron #3: You’re probably a cat person. TESS: Aw, Dave, I should never have ditched you. DAVE: Listen—. TESS: No, you shut up and listen. It’s taken me this long to realize, I’m the same person I always was. And if you’re the same person, then you’re my person, and we can probably be each other’s again - like we were then. Just different. Anyway, I really do wanna try. DAVE: No more doubts. TESS: I’m here on time, aren’t I? DAVE: Hey, who’re all these people watching us? TESS: These people brought me to you. Thanks. All of you. HUGH: Mister, you better take care of her after all she put us through. DAVE: This woman… She’s beautiful and kind and… I’m going to do everything in my power to deserve her. TESS: And I’m gonna not be afraid to ask for help. DAVE: Asking for help isn’t a— TESS: —isn’t a sign of…weakness. I get it now. Hey, gimme your arm? Thanks. TESS: Shiloh? SHILOH: Hey Tess. TESS: Thanks for saving my bacon. Hugh, don’t screw it up for her. DAVE: Tess, remember when we used to dance at the beach? So I brought my old boom box — remember Boom Box Betty? [Tess giggles.] DAVE: How about one dance as… reunited lovers? TESS: Gross. Yeah, okay. HUGH: You’re actually not allowed to play music here without a licence— [Shiloh and Patrons shushing.] PATRON #2: What a buzz kill, that guy. DAVE: You put your hands here, and mine will go there. Just like old times. Hey man, can you hit the play button for me? [Sensual music plays.] PATRON #4: Aw, look at those two. SHILOH: Mission accomplished. HUGH: Mission completed, anyway. Better get back to the bus and return these people to the starting point. SHILOH: Now we have to go down these stramps? Seriously. F my life, ugh… um, Hugh, can you give me a hand? It was hard enough coming up. Going down’s a lot worse. I could really use some help. Do you mind? I’m afraid I won’t have the arm strength to control my chair going down. Yeah, yeah, it’s okay to touch my chair when I ask you to. Wouldn’t be a good look if I fell over the ledge. “Tour Guide dead from leading patrons over foreboding concrete ledge”. HUGH: Of course. Let me get around you. Okay, got a solid grip. Here we go, nice and slow, nice and slow. Whoa, that is one sharp turn ahead. SHILOH: Careful! It’s literally a drop off with no railing. HUGH: It’s okay, I’m slowly doing the switchback. This cannot have been built to code. SHILOH: Code was different in 1973. HUGH: I’m taking it ve-ry slowly… This is a major safety hazard. Once more around the switchback and…. SHILOH: Hate hate hate these cursed stramps. HUGH: I’ve got you. There, safe on flat ground again SHILOH: Yay. Okay, bus is still there. Hey folks, you can make your way back in. [Patrons chattering.] SHILOH: Look, I get it, Hugh, maybe I’m not Funcouver Tours material. I just have to figure out how to explain this to Bren. HUGH: I never said you weren’t Funcouver material. SHILOH: Back there you said—Hugh, what’d you mean back there? Were they just condescending to me in training? HUGH: Well— SHILOH: Wait, am I the “diversity hire”? HUGH: No! Shiloh, they genuinely believe you could be a real star. It’s true! Helen was just hoping, well, you know, people don’t usually tell you your flaws; they want you to figure them out for yourself. SHILOH: My flaws? HUGH: Shiloh, don’t get me wrong, all your facts are straight, I can’t argue with your ‘what’. But the ‘how’… you're so…confrontational. SHILOH: I care that we tell the truth! I thought with this company I finally have a platform to call out injustice… okay, so, a minibus. HUGH: A Fun-couver minibus. You know when people enjoy themselves, when we’re positive, it releases dopamine? SHILOH: I get my rush from telling the truth. HUGH: Shiloh! Can’t we hold more than one truth at a time? SHILOH: I don’t think you understand how hard it is to be in a world that’s always reminding you it isn’t built for you. Do you want me to promote this city as if it has no barriers? If it isn’t a set of stairs or stramps, it’s a broken-down elevator, or no curb cuts or… I wanna be real about this city, tell the stories people need to hear if we're going to move forward. HUGH: That sounds…hard. You know you can catch more flies with— SHILOH: With honey than with vinegar. That’s what Bren tells me. But then I say, you can kill more flies with a flyswatter. Sorry, I didn’t mean to turn Funcouver tours into a combat zone. HUGH: It did feel like you wanted a piece of me. Aren’t there some things about this city that are pretty good? SHILOH: If you’re asking me whether I can balance the negative with the positive…then the answer is…probably? HUGH: Want to stick around, give it a chance? SHILOH: Do you mea—? HUGH: —Look,… I’m not writing you up. SHILOH: I thought— wait, you’re not? HUGH: Nah. Your heart’s in the right place. And those “stramps” really are a travesty, aren’t they? SHILOH: Right? HUGH: I think, we should be exposing stuff like this. You know, we could get permission to add this site to more of our tours. Reveal it as the mockery of accessibility that it is. Hell, we can even petition the City to make this place more accessible. Once I get into management, I’ll have more sway… SHILOH: Wait, who are you again? HUGH: We’re all works in progress, right? SECURITY: Are you this group’s leaders or something? HUGH: Officer, is there a problem? SECURITY: Not if you have a licence. There are bylaws about formal gatherings here— SHILOH: We’re just on our way, officer, no worries. HUGH: Give us five minutes. SECURITY: Five minutes but you’ll have to move away from this corridor so people can pass, here let me give you a hand — HUGH: Whoa there, sir. You can’t just go and touch someone’s wheelchair like that, buddy. SECURITY: Sure thing. Countdown starting now, five minutes to gather up and move on. HUGH: You believe that guy? SHILOH: It’s okay, Hugh. HUGH: That was not okay. He can’t just come along and… SHILOH: Well, your response was little performative but we’ll get there. Hugh, you mean it? You think this, me, it’s gonna work? HUGH: Yes, I really do. [Upbeat music plays.] SHILOH: Wow. I’ve got Bren’s voice in my ear right now. She’s telling me to say: Ahem. Hugh, it’d be a privilege. To learn from you and work alongside you, Hugh. And for real, Hugh, I mean it. You’re pretty cool. PATRON #3: Hey, turn up the music! Tell the driver — no, better, tell her to come over here. Just one dance, okay? PATRON #4: I’m not saying no. SHILOH: Just one more, friends, then we’re outta here! HUGH: We got this! [End of play. Music continues.] That was Disability Tour Bus, written by Amy Amantea and Rena Cohen, and Directed by Rena Cohen. With Cadence Rush Quibell as Shiloh Lenard Stanga as Hugh Amy Amantea as Tess Mack Gordon as Dave, Parker, and the Tourist Caitlyn Bairstow, Ian Hanlin, and Lauren Jackson were everybody else. Disability Tour Bus was dramaturged by Dennis Foon. Produced by Realwheels Theatre with the co-operation of the Union of B.C. Performers. Production Management by Jordyn Wood Stage Management by Kayleigh Sandomirsky. Sound Design and Editing by Malcolm Dow, With graphic design by Marie Hoyt-Pariury. Special thanks to our funders: the British Columbia Arts Council, Canada Council for the Arts, the City of Vancouver, the Province of British Columbia, the Hamber Foundation, McLean Foundation and the Deux Mille Foundation. In the near-future, this podcast feed will be a home for artist-talks, community-engaged content, and plenty of stories that we’re just starting to get excited about. To stay up to date, you can follow us on Spotify, Apple Music, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can also find us on Instagram and Facebook @RealwheelsTheatre. Thanks for listening, and come back soon.