[00:00:00] Welcome to Jeremy Chats with Coaches. Today I have Cathy Imabayashi with me. What does that mean in Japanese? Ima means now, bayashi, hayashi is I should have known that I've lived in Japan for two years.
There you go. Fantastic. Kathy, could you start out by just sharing with me and the listeners, who are you tell us a bit about Kathy and how you came to the world of cooking? I'm a Canadian expat. I've been living in Japan for quite a long time. And in some ways, Six other countries. I believe my career has been in education.
So although I have only taken on the official title of the coach the last three years since retirement, basically coaching has been part of my whole career with children and parents and teachers. Fantastic. What drew you to coaching with that title after you left [00:01:00] education? I knew I wanted to do something, and I knew that we were retiring in Japan.
The no brainer job would be to, do some casual English teaching. And I gave it, two minutes of a thought, and it's I've spent my whole life, basically, doing what drove me, what was my passion. And it just didn't seem right that this, the third act that I'm in now that I switch it up.
So I just thought what have I been doing for the last, almost three decades that has really filled my soul. And I knew it'd be a lot of work, but I thought that's exactly what I want to be doing. Fantastic. So tell me a little bit about your niche, who are the, who are your clients, who are the people that you coach?
I am a parent coach, and specifically for parents raising boys.
And what drew you to that niche? I grew [00:02:00] up in a family that was predominantly female, so I really knew a lot about females, and I grew up in the 60s with the women's lib movement, so I knew a lot about empowered women. When I gave birth to our son and I was what they labeled a mature mother I was pleased that it was a little boy because I figured I don't really know what I'm doing.
I know about children. I've worked with children for, a long time, but I thought this is different. I don't really know, I'm going to have to learn. As I'm going along and I didn't realize that's the thing when you're doing this particular niches that you don't realize what you don't know.
So unless someone starts to bring what some of these issues are into the forefront. You just never know what's going on. You still there? Yeah, I'm here. Is mine. Can you hear me? Okay. So anyway, what happened was that when he was [00:03:00] about. Three up until that point, it was just, the normal learning about raising a young child.
And there was quite a lot of information about that. And then as he got older, there wasn't as much information that was specifically targeted to little boys. And when he was about three, I took him fishing, just the two of us. And it was this incident that changed everything for me. When we were, down a little road, it was a, a creek, and it was beautiful, and a little bit isolated, but not so much, and Japan is so safe that I never worried about that anyway.
And when we were sitting there, he's, fishing with his little plastic rod, and we're just having a lovely time, and I could see out of the corner of my eye that there were five or six males walking down the path. And What happened in that moment was completely [00:04:00] instinctive. It was this real guttural feeling of fear, total fear.
There's a gang coming down, and how am I going to protect my little boy and myself? And there was no logic behind it. It just happened. And the boys came down and they were just, they were at the summer age where their bodies were just, growing incredibly. They were moving from elementary into middle school.
That was the age group I was working with at the time. So more than anyone else, I should recognize that, yeah, their bodies are bigger, but they're just these young boys with beautiful hearts and no reason for fear. And anyway, we had a wonderful time and everything was wonderful there, but that night when I went home I'm very analytical, and I kept trying to think why that was the first thing that came to my mind, like, where'd that come from?
And I kept digging and digging and I could not, I couldn't get to that point where I understood [00:05:00] why I reacted that way. But what happened then was that I thought, Okay, I have a little guy who's three years old, when 10 years from now, or 15 years from now, or 20 years from now, is some other female or some other mother going to see my son coming down the path or walking on the sidewalk, and be filled with fear, simply because he's male.
And that was there's something wrong with this picture. And that's when it started. I started to learn everything that I could to try to make sense of what this was about and then what can I do first for my son and his emotional well being growing up and then for all the little boys that are part of my educational world and all the men in my world.
That was the start. Wow. That's inspiring and inspiring start. So what would you say now when you work with [00:06:00] people is the core philosophy behind your coaching? I would say the first thing is to bring in awareness because if you're not aware of what some of the unique considerations or challenges are for boys, then you don't support them.
You don't act upon them. And what happens is that so many parents. find themselves in a situation where they are, that their world at home is quite chaotic because of misbehavior of their little boys. And there's a lot of frustration. So that's usually when they come to me. So the first thing is an awareness of what some of these unique things are that, especially as the mom, We are not considering and we're not, really dealing with.
And then the next part of it is to give some, some tools for them so that they feel empowered, so that they can empower their little boys. So if they have the understanding, if they [00:07:00] recognize some of the biases that are impacting their parenting, and then they learn some ways that they can make the world better for their son and for themselves, Then, everyone that's the philosophy to empower them, give them some tools and strategies and really listen really listen to what they're saying and to what they're not saying.
So how does that core philosophy translate into tangible results for your clients? The first most obvious thing is that there's a lot of aha moments, they'll talk about a situation or an issue or a concern and, after exploring it and the different components of it giving them a few strategies to try.
And then the next time that we speak and we follow up on those things and they've seen something, from their perspective, it's wow, I didn't know it was that easy. And so the, first of all, their home life becomes calmer [00:08:00] and just more peaceful and they really start to feel the joy of having a little boy.
That's probably the most important thing. But in addition to that, and complementary to that, is that little boy starts to feel more heard, more recognized, more understood. All right. So the end result your clients get is a is the joy of having that little boy and the little boy having his own joy and being himself.
Yes, exactly. Fantastic. Could I get you to, without using their real name, share a success story where your coaching methods, made a significant difference in their client's life. Sure. One of the, one of the ones I remember most clearly was a young couple who were expats. And they were both career people very successful in what they were doing.
They had one son who Sorry, can I just stop you just quickly? [00:09:00] I was just thinking I know what expat means, because I am an expat. But I think before I was, I didn't know what it was. Can I just quickly have you define EXTAP for those people that aren't? Sure, the people that are from other countries who have relocated someplace else.
I'm a Canadian, but I'm living in Japan, so I'm an EXTAP. And I'm an American living in Australia. Yeah, so we're relocated. For expatriates. Yeah, which happens to be true about me. I went, I was super patriotic. And now I'm like, wait a minute, people are people around the world. It doesn't matter what country they come from, maybe that's not actually how it's spelled.
Maybe accidentally exactly what it means, but go on. Sorry to interrupt that. No, that was a good clarification. So I started working with these this family and the reason for it was this little boy was really struggling in kindergarten. [00:10:00] And, to the point where there was conversations about him staying back another year, having him diagnosed, he did not have self regulation skills.
Just, there was a lot of issues at school, but, and that seemed to be that was the initial point that brought them to me. They had tried everything, that they knew what to do, they'd read all the books, they'd followed all the things. And they were just stuck and they were right at the end of it. And their son was he was struggling because he was always getting in trouble.
And then he, he said, he's a sensitive little boy. So when his mom would get upset or mad or cry because she was so frustrated, then the little guy would feel terrible about it. So it was just a whole circle of chaos. We started working together, and most of the time, actually, my clients, usually it's the [00:11:00] mother.
In this situation, both mom and dad came on every week, and it was really a lot of fun for me to be doing that, because you have more of a total picture. It's you've got the whole team there. And I think it was quite interesting for them to realize some of the things that about parenting that they were conflicted about.
They weren't able to constructively discuss those things just with the two of them. So we ended up spending we had 12 sessions and in that time and because it takes time, because the first thing is the relationship. We're talking about the most important thing in their world and so it took a little bit of time for us to really build up this trust and start getting a little bit deeper than just the behavior things.
So some of the strategies that they were using [00:12:00] for behavior were very ineffective and the inconsistency of what was happening was There was no chance for success, basically. So every week we would meet and usually there was just one major issue as far as the child went. And then there was usually at least one major issue with the parents themselves.
So every week we would just focus on two things, usually. And discuss it as deeply as we could, understand any part of it that was connected with personal gender bias, and the impact that was having on the parenting styles. Then we would come up with a strategy that was really possible. Something that the parents got excited about trying.
To see if it was going to work. And committing to doing [00:13:00] it for that full week. Trying not to put too much pressure on, because being a parent and having full time careers is enough pressure. But it was like, okay, this is a small thing, it's doable, it might eliminate some of the tantrums, and so then life is going to be better for everybody.
And so that went on for about 12 weeks. At the end of it So we had gone through 12 weeks, and each of the weeks, so I put it all together in a, culmination chart kind of thing. Or where we started, what they had done previously, what new strategies or skills they were doing, and what the results were.
So and then rating it to see, so that it was really clear, because when things start going good and you're together for that long, that was three months, you can forget where you started. And by the end of it they were just, they were happy. That's the best word I can say. They [00:14:00] still had some struggles, but nothing like at the very beginning.
They were enjoying being together as a family. And the little boy, he was thriving. He still had challenges, and those didn't really change until he moved into the next grade level. But Life just was so much better for them. It was really a beautiful time together. That is beautiful. And you mentioned there that they they gave them tasks that wouldn't be too overwhelming to fit into their daily lives.
So how do you do that with, you can use them as an example again, or just with clients in general, how do you maintain a balance between pushing clients to their limits? And ensuring that they don't burn out. I think that the strongest indicator of what how far to go to encourage. I don't like the word push because that's not my job.
But to encourage them to try some [00:15:00] things and to empower them to believe that they can do it so they've got that motivation from themselves, not from me from them. The biggest part of it is listening because so many times. With just a few few of the right questions, they can go inside, they do, they've got all the information, they have, they know what feels right, they just need to be able to pull that out, recognize it, maybe tweak it a little bit, and then implement it.
So I would say it's the listening, like really actively listening to what they're doing, and, empowering them to make some of their own choices.
And it sounded like you would normally focus on one change a week at most? Usually, it depends how, yeah, I know I would say that's right. It's usually one thing. At the beginning prior to a session, I will send them out a very brief little form and I'll say what's your most [00:16:00] pressing concern from this week.
So that it's something that's real and right in the moment and that's causing them, pain. Cool. Now we talked at the beginning about who your clients are in a general sense, they're parents of young boys a bit more specifically, because half the parents have boys, but what are the, who are the ones that actually come to you and seek your help?
Basically, I would put it in two categories. And a lot of my clients are expats who are living in other countries with other systems. They're, meshing cultures and they get stuck because they've got all these different influences and how they're raising their son. And there are so many influences that they just need some guidance and whatever.
The other group of clients that are. There's not quite as many that fit into it, but there are [00:17:00] quite a lot of usually moms, and they are just, they're needing their own support. There will be some things in our sessions that are about, what's happening with the children, but the majority of it is, They need someone who understands what it means to be raising a child in another country where they don't have their, family support system by them and they feel all alone.
Yeah, and that's very interesting that you ended up with most of your clients being expats. Did you advertise that way or did you just find that's who is drawn to you? I'd say it's who's drawn to me, but also that my language of coaching is English. Yeah. And I'm living in a country where the language isn't English, do you coach in person or online, mostly? The majority is online. Yeah. So it's still interesting that you're drawing expats because it could be, you could just be drawing Canadians. Yeah. Yeah. [00:18:00] And that's, I think that all, That always seems to work better when the client and the client is basically the coach five years ago or 10 years ago or whatever.
Yeah, that's, yeah. And it's interesting. I've had the same thing happen where a particular group of people that were like me were the ones drawn to me, even though that's not what I set out to market, but it means. It's amazing. That's exactly what you want is like minded people. So what would be, what's one of the most common challenges that your clients face and how do you guide them through these obstacles?
I would say the biggest problem is that parents will be having issues, often behavior, usually. behavior, misbehavior. And the problem is that the way that they are going about to remedy the problem isn't effective. The strategies [00:19:00] they're using are not taking into consideration the uniqueness of raising a boy or the effectiveness of raising a child and whether any, biases are.
Interfering. So it's the whole thing of not knowing what you don't know. So it sounds to me like the most common challenge is dealing with a behavior from the boy that they don't know how to manage. So they keep trying and trying a variety of things and they're not finding success.
And how do you help them to find what actually works for that specific child? A lot of it is having them think a little bit deeper about some things. Even just a parent might give me a situation where their son has reacted in a certain way in some situation, and the parent has reacted in this [00:20:00] way in this situation.
And if I just ask them, would you have reacted in exactly the same manner your little boy was a little girl? And if they can really think about it, it's Oh, I, I didn't, but yeah, no, I wouldn't. So it's the whole, you're not aware of things until you are, and until you are, you can't make things better.
Yeah, there's a, have you heard about the study they did? It was probably at least 20 years ago, where they would bring in babies. The same baby, half the time dressed as a boy and the other half the time dressed as a girl, and even progressive people who were fully on board with feminism, and treating people equally, found That they treated them differently if it started to cry, then, and if it was dressed in pink, they treated it one way, if it was dressed in blue, [00:21:00] they treated it another way, even, so there's so much unconscious, unconsciousness, when it comes to the way we treat people of different genders.
There's quite a few experiments like that with research. There's a lot of research. And what I find the most interesting is, It doesn't surprise me that's the reaction, but what's really interesting is the people's reaction when they see what they've done, how they've reacted, because almost all of them say, I didn't think I had any biases like they're shocked at what they, at how they have reacted.
That's what I find very interesting. Yeah. And I wonder what would happen with me because I fully. Feel that way. And yet that's the conscious part of myself, not the unconscious. What's your strategy for helping clients? I know particularly from my own ex wife, but also from a lot of single mothers that I've known that it particularly happens, [00:22:00] speaking of gender stereotyping with mothers and mother guilt and never feeling good enough what's your strategy for helping clients of either gender that have to overcome self doubt or a lack of.
Yeah, when they're in this place where they just don't think they can do it. I just don't think that they've done the wrong thing. They shouldn't be a parent. They don't know what they're doing. What's your strategy for getting them over that hump? I think one of the benefits that I have from, 40 some years in the classroom is really deeply understanding how important it is to be recognized for the good stuff you do.
Because as a teacher, it's the same thing, you don't hear anything until something's wrong. And nobody is telling you all those good things. When I'm working with, like I don't know any mom that doesn't go through, mother guilt and feeling inadequate and being just, on the edge of losing everything because they are trying so hard to do [00:23:00] everything, to do it right.
And There is no one there saying, you're doing one hell of a job, take a breath like putting things in perspective. So that's a really big part of it is just being a cheerleader for them so that they can be a cheerleader for their boys. Yeah, same thing. I want to ask then, you specifically coach people that are children of young boys.
Why? What is the what's different here from raising a, a girl or, yeah.
I can work with parents with girls as well. That's not, it's probably, that's a natural part for me, but I think there are so many things, but there are differences. Like we're in society, we've gone through so many. Ups and downs and everything, one, I know one phase of my working with children, it was very much a time of equality you treat your little girls and little boys the same.
You make sure that she's got the hammers and he's got the dolls and [00:24:00] and that was one step along the road, but we're still not at a place where we are saying there are some differences. There are real differences and I think part of the real problem is that it is usually the mother who has that first initial bonding experience and, deeply in those youngest years.
And we are seeing things through our eyes as a female. And we're thinking. Now, everyone thinks the same, everyone communicates the same, everyone processes the same, and that's where we get it wrong. When we can understand, there are differences between males and females. Both genders have, and I know there's on a spectrum, both ends of the spectrum have challenges and have so many beautiful [00:25:00] things.
It's not that one is better than another. It's that we each have things that need to be recognized. And that's where I don't think we're doing our little boys Any service at all, because we are not recognizing that real deep inner emotional world of a little boy. Yeah. So what's one piece of advice that you, or wisdom, what's one piece of wisdom that you find yourself just consistently giving over and over again to all different clients?
 Go for a quick win initially to really get a parent To start to think how easy it could be if you just know. So one of the things that I share with anyone who will listen to me is there are some differences in hearing. There are some differences in like focus, like my husband is extremely [00:26:00] good at single focus to the point that there is nothing that I might as well not even have a conversation.
On the other hand, I can quite competently have ten plates on the go and somehow make them all work. Okay, so getting back to the, for a parent's point of view. A lot of parents will say, my boy just does not listen to me. I can say the same thing over and over, and I've done the same thing, I've been there myself, I made my husband, and myself, and our son get our hearing checked at one point.
Because I thought, what's going on here? Either there's something wrong with their hearing, or mine, because, we're having too many conflicts about this. And the thing is that instead of getting to a point of total frustration, that the child is not listening. especially if they are engaged in something that they are really focused on, or [00:27:00] there is enough distance that the way we are speaking as a female is not coming into the, comfy place.
When men talk, the pitch and the volume is very different than a female's. So it's a consideration to have. If a parent Can constantly think when I need to get a message across to my boy Instead of saying it five times from the other room If I go tap him on the shoulder and say honey, it's dinner time.
There will be no conflict It's so simple and it's respectful. So that's one. Yeah common ones I know i'd love to add to that one as well something that i've found in my parenting journey And I do like to always say that No way that one size fits all books. Every individual is different. But I have definitely found not only that going in calmly and saying dinnertime, but also [00:28:00] half an hour before saying dinner's going to be in half an hour.
It was going to be in 15 minutes, 10 minutes, five minutes at it. Because think of it. Oh, actually, I had. Yeah, I heard one philosopher when he had a kid. He ended up saying, think about it from your perspective. If you're sitting there doing work on your computer and someone just comes and picks you up and take you somewhere else.
How does that feel? And I think that's often. The easiest thing to do is to think, how would I treat an adult in this situation and treat them in a similar way, obviously with a smaller vocabulary and and realizing that they have less emotional intelligence to be able to express their emotions and whatever, but yeah, way too often.
It's speaking to them respectfully, being respectful of whatever they're engaged in. Yeah, I think. So a lot of the coaches I talked to, obviously they're business coaches or whatever that can have tangible results based in [00:29:00] dollar amounts and things like that. For you, how do you measure the impact of your coaching and what does success look like to you and your clients?
It is it really is about mental health. And So I gauge that by how the parent is communicating with, how, like it's really easy to tell when somebody is burdened, or they're starting to feel hope and motivation, like it's really clear. So it's usually directly from interactions with the clients that I know if we've done a good job, if we've hit the target, if they're ready to, Take things by the reins and move on by themselves.
It's usually very clear and also a child. The child is a really good indicator. If the misbehavior starts to really reduce, if the child really starts to become engaged, become seem to have much more self esteem and things like that, then it's okay, this [00:30:00] is this is the golden nuggets that we should be seeing.
Excellent. It's time for Kathy to go on and help somebody else. So is there just a couple of questions to finish off the podcast in there? Just to make sure we haven't missed anything. So no is a perfectly okay answer to either of these questions, but if there is something then let's explore that as well.
So first question, is there anything that we started talking about today that You didn't get to say as much as you wanted to because we headed off in a different direction and ended up on a tangent.
Like I said, this is the first time I've talked about coaching. I'm used to talking about, that the, like really how I work with parents and the one thing that I always make sure that I say if I'm talking about that is for, and it's not just about children, but I think if we all always remember everyone is doing the best they can.
At that particular stage. And if someone is [00:31:00] not doing so well, it's because they can't they're doing the best they can. And when you know we accept that and recognize it, then we can adjust our expectation and just make it a little more peaceful. So that's one thing that I do make sure that I share is an important thing to just remember about being human together.
Yeah. All right. And then, and finally, is there. We've just met, so it's not like I know you that well, Kathy. If, is there anything about you, your philosophy, and your work, that I didn't even think to ask, didn't come up, that you think would be a glaring omission in a survey course of Kathy M. Bayashi? I think, a lot of what, we struggle with is, feeling like we're not good enough. Who are we to be helping, other people? And I think because of where I am in my life, I [00:32:00] have gotten much, much better at that. Because when I can say to someone, okay, I've got my degrees, I've got that part 45 years experience working with parents, children, and leaders, I have I had the privilege of raising a son who is now a remarkable man.
I have taken my first three years of retirement and started a business, learning things up the ying yang, have online courses, I have a website, I have just published my first parenting book. It's I know the struggles parents have. And If someone is looking for someone who is not judgmental, who has experienced a wide variety of children and parents and countries and cultures, and wants someone who can just help them, help guide them into raising these beautiful little boys, [00:33:00] I have something to offer.
Fantastic. And what's the name of your book? Raising Boys Who Become Remarkable Men. Fantastic. I love it, Kathy. Thank you so much. Let me just finish off with this. This podcast is all about giving anyone interested in any kind of self development, the opportunity to listen to all different coaches, points of view and philosophies and learn and glean things from that for free.
But some people listening will listen to a particular coach and think, Oh my God, I really need that. person helping me move forward in my life. If someone is thinking that about you, Kathy, how do they find you? My website is the best place to get in touch with everything and that is sunhoodcoaching. com.
Can you spell that for me, please? S-O-N-H-O-O-D. Fantastic. Thank you very much Kathy, and I hope to talk to you. Talk to you again soon. Thank you. It's been a pleasure to [00:34:00] talk with you.