Look who shows up again. Do you think this is the time to introduce yourself?
Why, what time is it?
Are you stunned? It's two in the morning. It would be polite to let me know, don't you think? You interrupted me while I was fucking.
With Carlos?
No, Carlos I don't know what happened to him: if anything, you should know. If you allow me, I'll finish.
I'll wait here.
(One hour later)
Do you have the money?
Yes.
Well, come in. How bad you look, what happened to you?
Nothing.
I'll take a shower and come to your place.
No please, I can't wait.
Hey, calm down: you haven't shown up for months, why are you suddenly so impatient? Take off your shirt. What beautiful arms, faggy, you are all tanned, have you been to the seaside? Done.
So it's not enough, I don't feel anything.
Look, I don't know what's wrong with you but you're not going to die in my house, okay?
Don't worry, I'm going down the road.
Yes, and maybe under a bridge like the tramps.
I'm going to the station.
Sure, why not. Come on, lie down on the sofa, Anna Karènina: have a good trip.
Alone?
I don't feel like it tonight. I'm going to take a shower.
...
Come to the bedroom.
And the guy you were fucking?
I showed him the door, we were done. Lie down on the bed, you're as white as a sheet.
Are you pissed at me?
No, why should I? I was just wondering who made you like this.
It's not important.
It's not important he says. You're pathetic.
Michelle.
Don't call me Michelle. Never again, understand?
Gherti.
Eh.
It doesn't work, I'm sick.
You're just not used to it anymore.
Relax, you're all tense. I'll give you a massage, do you want?
Yes. Unbutton my trousers, I can't feel my fingers.
You can't feel your fingers in what sense?
I don't know, I don't feel them.
Okay, I'll do it. Corduroy trousers, meh.
I don't dress like I did then.
I see, you look like a land registry employee. What a pain, not even a bit of excitement: you're in a bad way, my little fagot. May I know why you came here? Not for sex, I'd say, and the withdrawal symptoms should be over by now. Or have you been doing drugs with someone else in the meantime?
No. I haven't done it in months.
Then I don't understand what the fuck you came to do.
Finish the job you started, Gherti, please.
Look guy, now I'm getting really pissed off: I don't know what job you're talking about and I don't like what I see at all. I remind you that you are the son of family friends, I don't want any trouble with your relatives. If you really want to get high, let's change type from now on.
In what sense do we change type?
Reduced as you are you can't go on heroin, it throws you even further down. You need some cocaine.
I've never tried it.
It's easy, you snort it. You'll see, it picks you up in an instant. Or some chemical cocktail, a bit of LSD, you're spoiled for choice, but no more holes. Okay?
Okay.
And now try to relax, you're all hard and stiff, except where you need it. What did you think about cutting your hair? You looked great with long hair, you know angels turn me on: now you just look like a wet chick.
I didn't come here to turn you on, Gherti.
I see. Stay down, I'll massage your legs: this calf feels like lead. Can I at least know what the problem is called?
Antonia.
This shitty name again?
I like it very much.
De goostibus. And what's up with this Antonia?
She's getting married to my brother in two weeks.
Was she your girlfriend?
My woman. I asked her to marry me.
And she?
I don't know, she had an absurd reaction: she suddenly ran away screaming.
Really? And yes, you're not exactly a monster. Maybe he didn't care that much about you after all.
No. I'm sure he loves me, we were great together. I don't understand what happened, suddenly he was afraid, terrified.
Maybe he cared too much.
Or maybe he doesn't trust a toxic ex. But what are you laughing at?
Sorry, but looking at you now, the concept of a toxic ex escapes me. And then the situation is objectively comical: I believe he prefers your brother, in his place I would prefer him too.
Enough, let me go: I'm already sick enough without needing to be bullshitted by you.
Negative: it is out of the question that he will let you go away looking like a bastard; you would fall into the first ditch and drown like a mouse.
And stop laughing, can't you see I'm like a dog?
Seriously, fagot, what have you become of me, a romantic asshole? Is this Antonia at least beautiful?
Not as much as you.
So what?
You don't love a woman because she's beautiful, Gerti, but I don't expect you to understand that. Please massage me higher? I have a terrible cramp in my thigh. Higher up, near the groin. So, thank you.
Great life lessons today. And so there are things that I don't understand and my little fagot is in love, but he has cramps in his groin and he lets me massage it.
I love your irony, Gerti: you manage to seem bad even when you're not. I think the cramp is because I haven't had sex in a long time: only once in three months, and that one time was absolutely crazy.
Crazy how?
I don't know, indescribable. As if they had transported me to another dimension.
Among the angels and all the saints?
No, among the Templars: I saw them pass on horseback one by one, I recognized all the armour; Jacques De Molay was also there.
What were you on?
Endorphins, natural stuff. Going back to the cramp, it wasn't easy to repress myself for all that time being with her: maybe now I'm paying the consequences.
So this Antonia is a half-nun?
Oh, maybe. We had made a deal.
What deal?
Forget it, it's too difficult to explain, and then it would be boring for you.
Surely. However, the massage is giving some results.
I'm not dead yet, if that's what you mean; but we both know that you need more than that. Don't worry, I won't inflict my standard measures and helplessness on you.
Kind thought.
Simple acknowledgment of reality.
So I'll stop, what's the point of massage?
It helps me: it cheers me up and relaxes me.
Does it relax you? Shouldn't that excite you?
No, it relaxes me. Continue, please, if it doesn't bother you too much.
In my opinion, your cramp will get worse this way, but you're happy... And what's more, you tell me that this woman isn't even that beautiful.
And he's fifteen years older than me.
Oh, right? I didn't make you so stupid.
I'll tell you again, you can't understand.
I can't understand?
No you can not.
I don't need to understand certain things, boy, I've always known them: it's you who didn't understand.
What?
That love is bullshit. In any case, I don't see the problem: if you like it so much, fuck her, if you can.
I can do it very well with her.
Then do it, right? Marriage certainly won't stop you.
It's not about fucking, Gerti: there was a future to build with her, there was my whole life.
Too bad your brother was there too: a small detail. Haven't you thought about telling him about it? Maybe he would have given up the bone, who knows.
You're joking, right? Do you think he would have left me free rein?
I don't rule it out: he's tough, I've only seen him a couple of times but certain things are easy to understand. From a guy like that you can also expect a chivalrous gesture towards his loser brother.
You're crazy. And then a loser by the horn.
You unquestionably are, faggot.
It wasn't about my brother doing me a favor, but about winning the game with my own strength.
And instead you lost it, chérie .
Rather than be treated like a beggar by my brother, I prefer to hang myself. I don't want his handouts.
So enjoy your defeat, little faggot, what do you want me to tell you? Oh shit, now what do you do, start whining? This trip is all ups and downs.
I am not able to accept this defeat, Gerti: it was the decisive match of my life, I had given it my whole soul.
Your what?
Mine… Oh well, I was all - in .
Oh, okay. And it speaks clearly, right? You slur your words like a drunk. At least I'd keep quiet instead of continuing to babble.
I will never love anyone else like that again. Now I have nothing left in front of me, you understand? Nothing. I don't know where to go, I don't know what to do, I have panic attacks, during the day I'm afraid of the sun, at night I don't sleep because I'm afraid of how I'll feel when I wake up, the two of them walk around my house hand in hand making plans for the ceremony and the reception, school is over, my parents keep telling me that I have to study for the oral exam, I can't talk about it with anyone. Oh God Gerti, it's a nightmare, I feel like I'm going crazy.
But does she care? I mean dear Antonia.
I don't know what she feels: she has the trip of the one who is getting married soon and doesn't think about anything else, she acts as if I don't exist.
And you say he loves you? Little faggot, you're out like a balcony.
He loved me, I'm sure of it.
He loved you, of course. Now, I have always avoided love like the plague, but as far as I can tell one doesn't stop loving overnight and without a reason. Even if the passion is over, something like affection should remain, right? At least that's what they say. I mean, there's no way that woman would care that you're sick if she loved you before. Think about it, little fagot.
I want to leave that house, Gerti. I hate it, it's no longer my home, it's become hell. I can't stand this anymore, and it will be even worse in the future.
Yes, I suppose living in your house won't be very easy for you, with your brother and his wife always around. I also think that you should leave, but without a job it will be difficult to support yourself, even if I see you well as a gigolo : there are some well-preserved fifty-year-olds among my parents' friends, the classic fake MILFs full of money, if you want I can introduce you to them a couple.
No thank you.
As you like. In any case, think about it, it could be a solution: better than dying.
I'll think about it.
I guess your parents don't know anything about this whole thing, and that's why you came to me: you didn't know where to go with your ass. Yes, I think you'll need some coke at this stage, or better yet some crack.
Things?
Synthetic stuff that you inhale with a glass pipe: so we don't risk ruining that beautiful nose. It's also hallucinogenic, a funny cartoon thing: didn't you like cartoons? Come back tomorrow, I'll let you try it. Remember to bring money.
Are you sending me away?
Yes. Put your pants back on and stand up.
But before you said that if I go away like this I fall into a ditch and drown.
Damn you, little faggot, I'm not the one who asked you to come.
I feel terrible, Gerti.
Oh shit, you're not going to cry again now. Oh well, then cry.
I'm so cold.
Now, have a blanket.
Thank you.
Come on, come here. Give me your hands, I'll warm them up a bit: they're frozen. And stop shaking, right? It's okay, I'm here.
Hug me, please: it doesn't matter if it's pretend. Hug me.
If you really care.
Can I stay with you for a while? I beg you. I won't bother you in any way, I swear: during the day I always go to the library to study, I have the oral exam soon. The writing didn't go badly, you know? I will eat a sandwich at the university bar, I will sleep on the sofa in the anteroom near that scary painting, it is so covered with the green velvet drape and it can't hurt me. Then I'm not afraid of ghosts, in my opinion they are just poor people who feel alone.
Oh, but can't you just keep your mouth shut? It's like having a brain-damaged budgie that babbles non-stop. Unbearable. Once upon a time the high didn't have this effect on you, that woman made you completely stupid.
I asked you something, Gerti. Answer me please.
And that's okay, you can stay here. But at most for three nights.
Thanks, you are a treasure. Can you still give me that massage, please?
Still?
Yes, again, like this. It's perfect, you're very good.
But perfect what? Nothing is happening.
It happens inside me. Oh yes, so...
You're dumb, faggy. But really stupid, huh. Not even capable of enjoying like a normal person anymore.
It's true, but then I get over it. Listen, do you want to have sex with me sometime as good friends?
What would sex as good friends be?
Something simple, calm, without obligation, as it comes.
But do you think it's a proposal to make to someone like me? It's a tremendously nerdy thing.
It's just that I'm not capable of doing much in these conditions.
I can see, you're a zombie.
Tonight I feel very weak, but maybe I'll make it tomorrow. You want?
No, I can't do something like that.
Please, please: it would make me feel less alone and you would practically not even notice it, you could even sleep in the meantime. That would be a very nice thing, if you think about it.
A very nice thing? I'll tell you again, you're completely stupid. Nerdy sex with a zombie: this was missing from my repertoire.
At least I managed to make you smile: you were too angry, you only said mean things to me. You looked like a porcupine, you threw all your quills at me, I no longer knew how to protect myself. You've got holes in me all over, look: I'm bleeding everywhere.
Yep, Disney moment.
Come on, play along, please.
Uh, you're a real sieve. What do we do now?
Shall we put some colored plasters?
Good idea. There you go: is this better?
Much better, I'm no longer bleeding. They are magic patches. And you are a fairy: a beautiful fairy.
Then explain to me what fun you find in acting like an idiot like this. Silly me for humoring you. Life is not good, boy: you have to have balls, not  teddy bears and little angels.
There is some truth in what you say, Gerti, but it is also true that life cannot be good if we make it worse than it is. If you treat me badly it's not life that's bad: it's you.
I try to resemble life.
Not me, Gerti. I try to be the opposite, I try to remedy the pain of life, precisely because there is already so much of it. I wanted to make you feel good, you know? I tried, I really did my best, but you buried me under an avalanche of shit, like Antonia.
You know what, faggy? No one asked you. It's not good to meddle in other people's business, didn't your parents teach you that? And then I didn't need you to feel good, I was already fine as I was.
It's not true, you weren't feeling very well. That's why you were so mean to me.
I wasn't mean, I was myself. I chose you because you were beautiful, I fucked you for a while, it's normal and within natural laws. 
For a while I thought I was special because I was beautiful, but I'm just an ordinary person who wants to be loved, that's all.
Because you are weak. You are afraid of what will happen when you get older and are no longer beautiful.
I don't think it's just weakness, Gerti. You are beautiful too, very beautiful, but I always saw that it was dark.
But dark what? But dark where?
Inside, outside, everywhere. You don't give off light, you're not happy. I would have liked you to understand that...
What?
Nothing, forget it, I'd make you laugh. You always laughed at me. Please don't do it again, I'm already feeling bad enough. Can't you just love me a little? Just a little.
I don't know how to love, little fagot. And not you anyway.
Why not me?
I mean, look at you: you're ridiculous. You're stuck to my tits as if I were your nurse. And don't try to suck, huh, because I'll give you a slap. I stick my hand in your underwear and you say I relax you. By the way, what are these pathetic things with the blue ducks?
Pure cotton boxers. Do not like?
They are the most anti-erotic thing I have ever seen. But yeah, you made the chastity pact with her and now you feel like being on my lap instead of fucking. You've regressed to childhood, little fagot.
What's wrong? Don't you like holding me?
You look like a scared puppy. I don't adopt stray dogs, if you do you become their slave.
Slave to me?
Slave to what you feel. I will never be anyone's slave, I'm not like you.
But it's nice to be like this, isn't it?
It depends on tastes.
I like it very much. Try to let go, you'll see that you too feel a kind of warm wave rising.
Do you know what you feel is called? Bad trip: then you get over it. But how did you manage to become like this, especially for someone called Antonia?
I don't know, Gerti.
You're still cute though, even with short hair.
But you just said I look like a zombie.
You don't look like it, you are.
Thank you for agreeing to host me, Gerti: you are very sweet.
Sweet, fuck, don't you dare. But then you look for another accommodation, huh?
When?
Soon. I have my life here and on Saturday I'm going on tour with Roberto and the company. We are doing Elokuu Syyskuu Maa by Carolyn Carlson. I'm the soloist.
Really? How beautiful. Then you are very good.
It's a very demanding thing, it's not enough to be good.
It will all be fine.
The fact is that I'll be gone for a month and you have to leave before Saturday, there's no way I'm leaving my house to you when I'm not there.
But where am I going, Gerti?
What do I know? Maybe I'll help you find a place that isn't a sewer. Yes, I can definitely find a decent hole for you, there's a friend of mine who rents a loft around here, it's nice. You will tell your parents that you need to stay calm to study, there is too much chaos there with the wedding preparations.
Thanks, I'll be fine. Can you leave me something of yours to feel close to me while you're gone? I don't know, a sock, a scarf...
What do you want to do, Isadora Duncan?
I would ask you for a teddy bear, but I don't think you have any.
I'll leave you some cocaine if you pay me in advance. Don't overdo it, it should be enough for a month. Don't overdose, huh: I want you alive when I return. Now sleep, because you need it.
Yes: I haven't slept a wink for three nights and I'm getting really sleepy. A beautiful sleep. Will you rock me a little?
Even the crib now. Alright then.
Tell me the truth, did you miss me?
Why should I have missed you?
Because ours was a very sick relationship, the sickest you've ever had.
What do you know about the sick relationships I've had?
I know. They couldn't be as sick as that with me.
Did you miss me? I do not think so. So I don't see why I should have missed you.
But you missed me. Tell me, I know it's like this anyway.
If I tell you I missed you, will you promise me you'll keep your mouth shut?
I promise.
Okay, I missed you.
A little or a lot?
A little.
Liar.
Now sleep.
Yes, I sleep. You make me feel great when you rock me, you know? Maybe I love you, Gerti. Or maybe it's the bad trip. Good night.
'Night.
Gerti.
Eh.
But in the end, between the two of us, who won?
I think we both lost, faggy.