This Episode of the Shadowbrook Files contains depiction of death, underage drinking, alcholhism  and sexual and child abuse. If these topics are difficult in any way please stay away from these files and come back to us for a different investigation. Thank you.
[tape recorder crackles to life]
Brittain: No one will believe us. I can’t hold that against you, I would not believe us either, but I  need someone to hear our side of the story, at least. What happened wasn’t our fault or, if it was, it was a lot of other people’s fault, too. We didn’t get the way we are by ourselves. We aren’t evil, any of us and…I won’t say what happened was an accident. In fact, I think it was rather a long time coming, but we aren’t solely responsible for it. If you want to blame us…fine. But at least listen to our side first. That’s all I ask. Given everything that’s happened, I think I have a right to ask that much.
[sighs] Right, then. Here goes. 
It started with the four of us. Me, Juno, Eloise, and Thea. We were inseparable. I wouldn’t say we were popular, we weren’t, but everyone at school knew us as a unit. None of us did well by ourselves. We were always meant to be together. The four of us. We would walk the halls, do our studies, and usually take the same classes. We complemented each other, it was perfect. We needed each other, less in the way friends do and more like…how a parasite needs to hang on to its host. We each drew strength from the others and that was alright because each of us knew the others were doing the same. It was codependent, but it was also necessary. In a school like Shadowbrook, everybody would just as soon stab you in the back as shake your hand. You needed friends like that, friends that were almost an extension of yourself. You put so much of your own personality in them that you never really had to feel alone. We wouldn’t betray each other because we were each other. We hated each other, sometimes, in the way you hate yourself, but…If one of us went away, it…everything would fall apart. 
[pause]
It’s been a month since Thea died.
[recording stops and starts again]
B: My name is Brittain Jonssey. I was the leader of our quartet. I didn’t exactly choose it, but I suppose I was simply the most capable one. Well…I acted like the most capable one. Eloise and Juno were at each other’s throats more often than not and Thea was just such a sweetheart, she’d never be able to boss anyone around. 
I didn’t have the most money (that sort of thing always matters in a private school), Juno did, but her family was new money, freshly printed, the paint still bleeding. I was a Jonssey. We were as old as it got. We were a mediaeval castle being rented out for weddings, patched together with modern plaster and full of the sort of cracks and shabby edges that everybody pretended not to notice. If someone were to google my net worth, they would most likely be unpleasantly surprised. I carried myself with enough weight to make them forget that my family name was technically worth more than my family’s estate. Juno had all the wealth and I had all the appearance of it. At Shadowbrook, all you really needed was to have a good front. If people believed your facade, it didn’t matter who you were underneath. My father taught me that. [a beat, she doesn’t like mentioning her father]
Anyways. I was the leader. I kept us all together, despite Juno’s rude comments and Eloise’s snapping and Thea’s naivete. I knew them better than I knew myself…which is to say I didn’t know myself and didn’t care to. We were all liars…well, maybe not Thea, but the three of us were all putting up fronts. I didn’t look at theirs too closely and, in return, they didn’t look at mine. It was a delicate balance, the four of us. 
I loved playing chess. It’s a game of balance, strategy…and, honestly, I tended to black out often enough that playing against myself was comforting. I’d set up a board and make the first move and then get blackout drunk. When I woke up again, there’d be another move on the board. In my chaotic brain, chess made sense. Being able to keep a strategy at that, even against myself, made me feel like I might be able to maintain our friend group. And I did. I made sure it persisted as long as it could.
[recording stops and starts again]
Juno: Alright, boys, what are we thinking for break?
Eloise: Staying here.
J: That’s depressing.
E: It’d be depressing if you were staying with me. As it is, I might finally get some work done.
J: My folks are taking me to a ski lodge, why don’t you lot come with?
B: That sounds nice.
E: How much does it cost?
J: Don’t worry, love, I’ll cover you.
[pause]
B: Juno, don’t–
E: I’m not a charity case.
J: Sweet Jesus, I didn’t say you were, I’m offering to pay for you, that’s what friends do–
E: Is that what we are?
J: …yes. We’re friends, El, what are you talking about?
E: With friends like these.
J: No one is making fun of you, you’re doing this to yourself. No one cares how much money you have except you.
E: Oh, don’t they? Lovely, I suppose all the emails I’ve been getting from the tuition office have been inquiries about the weather.
B: …why is the tuition office emailing you so often?
E: Fuck  off.
J: Eloise, are you having trouble paying?
E: What the hell did I just say? Fuck off.
B: Juno, leave it.
J: You know, if you need money–
E: Oh my god! Stop! 
J: I’m being a good–
E: Friend, yes, I know what an excellent friend you are–
J: –and you’re making a big deal out of absolutely nothing, I’d offer this to any of my friends who were struggling–
E: I am not struggling, my main problem right now is dealing with you and your sanctimonious fucking–
B: Stop it! Both of you, just stop. [pause] Eloise, I’m sorry for bringing it up. We know if you want our help you’ll ask for it.
J: Do we?
B: Stop. Apologise.
J: What? I didn’t do anything!
B: Just apologise, Juno, you know she’s…you know it’s a personal subject. Just do it.
J: …fine. I’m sorry.
B: Eloise?
E: Thank you. It’s fine.
J: …if you really have to stay on campus, I’ll stay with you. I know Brittain’s staying too.
E: I don’t want your–
J: It isn’t charity, I want to stay with you. And Brittain.
B: I was going to stay either way, so. This’ll be nice.
E: Why? Don’t you want to see your family?
B: …they’re busy. I’d rather stay here. Our house will be pretty empty this time of year anyway. All the cousins haven’t started flocking in for Christmas and all that.
J: …in that case, if we’re all staying, we’ll have a great time. We can do all kinds of shit, we’ll have the school basically to ourselves as long as we avoid the two or three remaining teachers. We can spray paint the walls–
B: Not doing that.
J: –shit on the headmaster’s desk–
B: Absolutely not doing that.
J: [gasps] We can talk to the ghosts!
E: She’s lost her mind. However much of it she had in the first place.
J: Oh come on, everybody knows Shadowbrook’s chock-full of them. The other second-years were telling me that they played the knocking game and they actually got knocking back, all night even. It’ll be fun, it’s the perfect time, all grey and misty, we’ll be all alone.
B: There’s still a few weeks before break, make sure you buy a ouija board.
J: Oh, I’ve already got one.
B: I was joking.
E: She’s insane, I keep telling you.
J: If I’m insane, what does that make you for hanging out with me?
E: A masochist.
J: Can’t argue with that.
B: We have a few weeks, so let’s ask Thea and then we can plan.
Thea: I’m staying.
J: Jesus Christ, you scared the shit out of me.
E: Have you been there the whole time?
T: Yes, I’m always here. 
B: I can’t believe we didn’t notice you.
T: I’m sorry…I’m staying on campus.
B: [ignoring the creepiness] Alright. Great, it’ll just be the four of us then. 
J: And the ghosts.
E: Three of us if I finally snap and kill Juno.
J: You love me.
E: I’m sorry if I’ve ever given you that impression.
T: The four of us. It’ll be grand.
B: …yeah, it will. Absolutely.
[recording stops and starts again]
B: It’s been a month since Thea died and everything is grey. The sky was grey the morning of the funeral and it stayed grey for the rest of the day and it’s been grey ever since. It’s like she took the colour with her. That’s cliche, but…
During the funeral, we all sat together, of course. The three of us, limbs of a four-legged creature now unable to walk. Everyone gave us that polite look, where you glance at a person and look away before they can catch you looking. Our school sweaters and skirts are black, so Eloise and I wore those. Juno wore slacks and a blazer she’d gotten from home. It was cold that day, the wind was picking up. October’s usually a cold month for us, but this was different. It was almost bitter.
They’d styled Thea’s hair for the casket in flowing waves over her shoulders. It looked lovely and nothing like her. She’d always worn braids. By the time the three of us came down to the common room in the morning, she’d already be there, sitting in one of the armchairs and braiding her hair, pinning it in place without looking. She did it perfectly every time, a crown of hair falling into place effortlessly from years of practice. It looked wrong to see her with her hair down, like she was naked.
They put her in a white dress. It felt wrong to see her out of her uniform, too. With the hair and the clothes, looking at the casket made me feel like I was looking at a stranger. I was at someone else’s funeral and my friend was somewhere out and about. There was a stranger in the coffin and that stranger’s parents were sitting across from us and sobbing. That stranger’s little sister was staring at her, uncomprehending, as the priest finished the sermon. That stranger’s headstone announced that she was a dutiful and loving daughter and sister. Thea…my friend Thea, who made tea and did her braids before the rest of us woke up, who wrote us all letters in quill pen over summer break, who stitched up tears in Eloise’s hand-me-downs for her…our Thea was somewhere else. She wasn’t dead, she couldn’t be. It was the four of us. Without her, we were off-balance, tottering around like a lame racehorse.
But we were used to lying and putting up fronts. So, during the funeral, I sat with my hands clasped in my lap and my ankles crossed, staring at the ground. Eloise sat on my left side, both feet planted firmly, digging her nails into her palm where only I could see. Juno sat on my other side, one leg folded over the other, arms crossed. None of us shed a tear. None of us reacted at all as they lowered Thea into the earth.
That was the day before break started. The sky was grey. The wind was bitter. Thea had died.
[recording stops and starts again]
B: …does anyone want anything? Water? Tea?
J: You aren’t hosting us, Brit. Our friend just died, we’re all in the same boat. You don’t have to serve us right now.
B: I’m not…I’m just being helpful.
E: Are you?
B: …that isn’t nice.
E: No. Thea was the nice one. Remember? Thea’s nice, I’m poor, Juno’s rich and you try to help everybody and end up helping no one.
B: You can yell at me if it’ll make you feel better.
E: It will not make me feel better, nothing will make me feel better, my best friend is in a casket, Brittain!
J: Our best friend.
E: What?
J: Our best friend is in a casket, you didn’t have a monopoly on her.
E: You really want to get on my dick about word choice right now? Really?
J: I’m just saying, you’re not the only one feeling like shit, El.
E: And that’s meant to make me feel better?
J: No, it’s just a fact.
E: Well, thank you for that fact, Juno. It’s alright that I’m in pain because I’m not the only one. Maybe this’ll bring us all closer together! It can be a bonding experience! We can write a memoir about it by the time it’s over!
B: Please…
E: And now I’m stuck at this goddamn school for a month with you lot. The oh-so-tough rich girl who had clothes imported for a funeral and her friend who isn’t even rich anymore, who’s always playing fucking chess with her own self like a lunatic, who covers up the fact that her hands start shaking if she doesn’t have a drink every three hours–
B: El, please–
E: Who’s always trying to be helpful and nice and to fix everybody else because she doesn’t want to take a look at herself in the damn mirror for once and realize that she’s the most fucked up of all!
J: El, shut up. Stop it.
E: Oh, Juno, don’t be silly. That’s Brittain’s line.
J: El.
E: And now she’ll tell me to apologise for hurting her feelings and say that I didn’t mean anything by it because I’m upset. Guess what, Jonssey? I’m not. I’m not fucking upset. I should be. I should be fucking sobbing, like Thea’s parents were, but I’m not. I’m pissed. You wanna know why?
B: …please just stop…
E: You wanna know why, fearless leader? Because it should have been you. If any of us had to die, it should have been the one who doesn’t have a fucking personality beyond sticking her nose in everybody’s business.
[pause]
B: …are you done now? You’ve told me that I’m useless and annoying and you’ve touched on my alcoholism, that was good, and you’ve told me I should be dead instead of Thea. Very well. Are you done?
E: …yes.
B: I hope this did make you feel better. I hope making me miserable is bringing you some sort of peace because, if it is, I’ll let you do it. Scream at me some more, El, that’s what I’m here for. Never mind that Thea was my friend too, never mind that I miss her. Yell. Hit me if you want. Throw things. Fight. Do something so I can react because I don’t know what to do otherwise. Do something. Like you said, I don’t have a personality because I’m too busy reacting to the stupid, ugly shit you do to do anything by myself, so by all means, keep going. 
E: …I’m sorry.
B: No, you aren’t. You lie to everyone, don’t lie to us.
E: Brittain, all we do is lie to each other. That’s why this friendship hasn’t fallen apart yet. If we were honest…if we were honest, it’d be over by now.
B: Look at yourself. It’s over anyway. 
[pause]
J: …this’ll be a fun month. 
[recording stops and starts again]
B: Like I said, we’re all liars. My family is an expert at putting up fronts to cover up our rapidly dwindling wealth. We lie about many things. For example, my father isn’t drunk most of the time. My mother doesn’t deal with his affairs by taking expensive prescriptions she doesn’t need. When my sisters and I fall asleep, we don’t listen to my father walk down the hallway towards one of our bedrooms. We never feel afraid of him. When he comes into our rooms at night, nothing happens. Nothing happens. Nothing awful, nothing to hide.
My family has nothing to hide.
You see? I’m excellent at lying. But the point of this recording is to tell the truth, for once. So, the truth is…
I started drinking when I was thirteen. My father had gotten plastered the previous day and he left some wine bottles laying around the kitchen table. I tipped one back to drink the dregs. It didn’t taste good, but it made me feel warm in a way nothing in that rotten house ever did. So I started stealing from his stash. Wine, whiskey, tequila. 
My sisters wouldn’t talk to me. The horror of what was happening to each of us in turn was too big to step over, so we didn’t discuss it. Nobody noticed until I started showing up to my high school drunk. The headmaster recommended rehabilitation. My father told him I’m not a fucking psycho. So I got sent to Shadowbrook.
Where everyone has secrets and several people have thriving liquor selling businesses. The perfect place for a girl who flinched when her father pulled her into a hug, who had lined her suitcase with tiny aeroplane liquor bottles.
I’m a good liar. But concealing the hangovers and the red eyes and the cramps was too much, so the others found out, of course. Thea found out first and, after looking at me with an inscrutable expression for a few moments, she wordlessly started to have coffee ready for me by the time I woke up the morning after a bender. She was lovely like that, just offering support without comment.
Juno made a few jokes about it, of course. Offhanded ones that didn’t mean much to her because she didn’t know…she couldn’t know why I did it. What monsters waited for me every time I closed my eyes, the ones I had to make myself black out to avoid. Even when I fell asleep drunk, sometimes I woke up to the feeling of someone’s hands on me. But it was fine. Juno would make jokes, that’s who she was. I understood.
Eloise was worse. Eloise was quiet most of the time. She kept her head down, worked hard, earned her place in a world that had made places for the rest of us. I admired her, most of the time. Her dry wit and sharp sense of humour made her hilarious…when it was aimed at someone else. When it was aimed at me, it…well, she didn’t set her weapons to stun and no blow was too low for her. That might have been the reason I never brought up my family around her. I knew she’d use it against me the next time she got pissed. She used the drinking to insult me, of course she did. She’d crawled her way up to her place in the world, kicking and biting. She’d had to fight dirty and she didn’t stop just because we were friends. Just because we were…us.
Thea could calm her down. I helped reconcile her and Juno fighting, but Thea genuinely got through to her. She knew what to say and when not to say anything and simply give her a hug. I was managing, Thea was empathetic. Thea was the best of us, without question.
The three of them. My knights. I used to think I was the queen, but, if I’m being honest, for once, I was the king. Barely moving, needing all of them to keep me safe. We might have won if there’d been three of them, but Thea was gone, so the game was out of balance.
We’d all known we needed her, but it became so much more clear when she was gone…I tried. I really did, I tried to hold us together, but I wasn’t a good enough leader to figure out how to reconcile while I was trying to defend myself from Eloise’s insults. I couldn’t do everything at once. God, I tried, though. Maybe it would have been better if I hadn’t.
[recording stops and starts again]
B: What was that thing you were talking about, Juno? The knocking game?
J: …do you really think now’s a good time to look for ghosts, Brit? It’s only been a few days.
B: Yes, but do you really feel like doing homework right now?
J: I don’t feel like talking to the spirits of the dead.
B: …I’m just trying to come up with something to do that isn’t snapping at each other. It’s just a game, it’s just a bit of fun…maybe if we did something together, we’d…
J: …stop screaming bloody murder at each other?
B: Yes. That would be nice.
E: …alright.
B: Really?
E: Let’s do it before I change my mind. 
J: …alright, well, it’s late enough, I suppose. It still looks grey outside, huh? That’s weird.
B: Clock says it’s almost midnight.
J: Oh, witching hour, lovely. Alright, lock the doors to the common room.
[sounds of doors being locked]
J: We need a flashlight.
E: A lot of preparation is required for the supernatural, huh?
J: Fuck off.
B: I’ve got one.
J: Alright, give it here. [clicks it on] Now, when I turn this flashlight off, the knocking should start and then it’ll stop again once the torch is on.
E: And what’s the point of the game exactly?
J: To not get scared.
E: And if it doesn’t start?
J: Then we’ll have a good laugh about it.
E: Just like all the other good laughs we’ve been having lately.
B: Turn it off.
J: Here goes. [clicks it off]
[pause]
E: Well, this was fun–
[knocking]
J: [laughs] I told you!
B: Turn it on again.
[Juno clicks it on, the knocking stops]
J: I told you, it works, I read about it on–
E: Shut up, listen.
[footsteps]
E: What the fuck is that?
J: I don’t know, it’s supposed to stop when–
B: Turn it off again.
[knocking resumes, there’s a noise from outside the door]
E: What the hell is this?
J: Wait, I think it’s saying something, listen.
[faint, garbled, from outside the door: “Hear”]
B: Hear?
 [the voice: “Turn it on!”]
J: [clicks it on]
E: What the fuck are you doing?
J: It told me to!
E: Yes, by all means, let’s listen to the creepy voice from the beyond! I’m sure it has no ulterior motives, Juno!
B: The knocking stopped.
[the voice: “Off…no”]
J: What?
E: It’s coming through faint.
J: We should open it.
E: Why are you acting like a horror movie protagonist? 
J: If we open it, we’ll hear it better.
E: Somehow I doubt that’s how it works.
J: The light’s on, it can’t hurt us.
E: Says who!?
B: Enough! [gets up and opens the door, as soon as she opens it, there’s a gasp or a yell from outside, Brittain exclaims and slams the door shut again]
E: Jesus Christ…
J: What the hell was that?
E: Jesus Christ, it wasn’t supposed to work…
B: I don’t know, I don’t know, turn the lights back on.
J: Okay, okay. [goes to turn them back on]
[pause]
B: …it might have been the wind.
E: Come off it, there was a voice.
B: Maybe it…maybe–
J: Maybe it’s Thea.
[pause]
B: That isn’t funny.
J: Did that seem funny to you?
B: Don’t say that, Thea’s…
J: Dead, exactly.
E: Thea wouldn’t haunt us, why would she do that?
J: Well, we’re all being proper dickheads, I’d want to yell at us too if I could!
E: You can and you do.
J: If I was dead, Eloise.
E: Don’t tempt me. 
B: It was a stupid game and a stupid idea. We probably just scared ourselves.
E: There was a voice–
B: I don’t care, it isn’t Thea.
E: There–
B: It isn’t Thea!
[pause]
E: Why are you so scared of it being Thea, Brit? Scared of what she has to say to you? What her unfinished business might be?
B: I’m going to bed, I don’t have to listen to this.
E: Sure, go to bed. How many of those tiny bottles do you have left? I bet you’re running low by now, it’s not like you can ration.
[the door opens]
J: …Brittain, didn’t you lock it?
B: …yes, I did.
[pause]
E: Thea?
[recording stops and starts again]
B: No matter what happens after this, no matter what the others say, I…I promise I did my best. It may not seem like it when you hear what comes next, but I promise I did. We all did. We’re awful and mean and we hurt each other for fun, but that isn’t fully our fault. We all have secrets, we all lie, we’ve all had terrible things pushed onto us by people who were supposed to protect us…and I was a very bad leader, but I tried all the same. It’s just that when the secrets…all the secrets started coming out, just trying wasn’t enough anymore. I wasn’t enough to hold us together…but I tried.
Please remember that.
[recording ends]
This episode of The Shadowbrook Files  stars Olivia Spreen, Tessa Prodromou, Emma Rensin, and Rose Madsen. It was written by Thomas Malinovsky and edited by Olivia Spreen. Original music is composed by Val Zvyinatskovsky and the rest is from epidemic sound. Cover art is by our friend on instagram @scribblingsenate. Special thanks to our patrons, Tessa Prodromou, James Harper, and Jennifer Parlett. If you’d like to support The Shadowbrook Files and any future podcasts check us out on our patreon at at malinovksyandspreen and on our instagram at @malinovskyandspreen. We really appreciate it. Thank you for listening. Join us next week as we continue our study of the strange case of the Shadowbrook Files.